Parents over - reaction to moving (job, college, moved to, house)
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We moved to Cary from Long Island ,NY 5 years ago(made a huge profit on our home). My single adult sister also moved with us for a new start. My younger brother(married) lives in Brooklyn. I have the only grandchildren.
Did or does anyone elses parents (mainly mom) throw a complete fit because "you left your family". My mom cannot handle that we moved. She picks fights all the time makes crazy statments " you couldn't hack it in NY". "you don't love your family" "why do you want to visit your friends, you didn't care about them since you moved". I know she is hurt that we moved, but do you think this is normal? How do you handle your parents? How did your parents and extended family handle you moving away?
Slynn, has your mother and her family lived in Long Island for a couple of generations? How many people have moved away from the extended family?
My parents both had to move away from their families to go to college and to persue their careers, so when the time came for me to move away with my husband, they were understanding because they'd been in that situation before. I hate that I don't get to be a part of their daily lives anymore, but they've never made me feel the least bit guilty for moving. They wish me love and peace and happiness, no matter where I am. We stay connected through telephone calls and traveling to see one another a couple of times a year. Gotta love the miracles of modern life!
I hate to sound so cruel and frank, Slynn, but it appears to me that your mother has developed a terrible habit of verbally and emotionally abusing you. I imagine that your children will be better, happier people growing up far away from her negative, manipulative influence.
I agree with Mrs Steel and MAtoNC...unfortunatley, you just can't reason with unreasonable people...and even with family, you aren't obligated to explain your decision and choice over and over again. has your Mother come down to visit for holidays, maybe you could ask her to come for an extended visit abd that might give you the time to really talk through what she is upset about.
My mother had a similar response when we moved this July to Chapel Hill. She is angry and afraid (she's 82) and has no family nearby. Now, before I moved I lived an hour away and we saw each other infrequently, but I think she felt that she had back-up if she needed it. I find it interesting that she is so upset given that she moved away from her family in Pittsburgh when she was in her early 20's and never looked back. When we were looking for a house here, I told her to consider moving with us and that we would look for a house with an in-law apt or enough land for a guest house. But really her support system is in the town where she has lived for 35 years and that is where she is best off for now. She is constantly remarking that all of her friends' children live in the same town. I don't tell her that is because her friends are nice to their children and support them (and I don't mean financially)...not to mention that a few are employed in a family business. Oh well, I have to live my life and I can't live it to make her happy...she's not really the happy type. She has informed me that I am not to put up my Christmas tree until she arrives on Dec 20. Um, I'm gonna put it up when it is right for my family and she'll be mad at me again. In fact she'll be mad and miserable through her whole visit, but that is HER problem, and not mine. No one can make another person happy. That is not to say that I won't be nice, welcoming and pleasant to her...but I can't make her happy if she chooses not to be.
Judy
Thanks for the opinions so far. My parents have never left NY and their parents grew up in NY and so on. My Dad had many opportunities to move throughout his career, but my mom would always hold him back.
They do come down for holidays, but it always ends up being the same old fight. My mother isn't happy unless you do what she says.When we go to visit its the same story. We also never got along when I lived on LI. If she didn't like what I was doing (choices) she would let me know about it over and over again. My mother is the queen of beating a dead horse.
Kind of look at it she the Lioness and you are her cub and the Lioness always will try to protect her cub from the unknown.
It took me awhile to grasp this but being the youngest in our family My mom use to drive me bonkers.
My sweetheart was grateful to explain to me that she is just being a "mother" and doesnt mean no harm and only wants the best for you.
You have to be firm but gentle with her say something like "I understand where you are coming from Mom but I am happy and isnt that what is important"
She will always say things to get on your nerves but you have to analyze what she is saying and repeat quietly to yourself "She is just being a Mother, She is just being a Mother" It works for me and when I visit her I have often when Im at my breaking point tell her nicely as I can Love You Mom but it time for me to go.
It helps to try to talk this out with her as well I have said this to my mom before " I love you moim but I think as an adult I am capable of making these decisions now so could use please not nag me about this issue I would appreciate it since I have learn from you to be this strong.
We live on the east coast and my husbands job wants us to move to the west coast. Our house is on the market. I have not told my mom yet. It will not go over very well. Can I send her a post card once I get there???
I haven't had the chance to read the posts of others, but I was always told that, if parents do their job right, they prepare their kids to be fully independent, to move away. So, I think it isn't really, well, appropriate for your mother to be doing this, but she's hurt and worried.
On the other hand, some families just stick together forever and that's nice too - not that I think you have to do that.
I had a friend whose mother was saying these things - well, really, even though the family has 8 kids, my friend was the one designated to live nearby in a small town with no opportunities to be close to the mother. I felt very badly about the situation. I encouraged my friend to do great things and pursue her dreams, but I also couldn't tell her to ignore her mother altogether. It wasn't my place and she, psychologically, couldn't do that. Somehow she found a great job in the same state, but many hours away - like 4-5 by car, and that seems to have worked for them. Not that I think you have to do that either.
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). My single adult sister also moved with us for a new start. My younger brother(married) lives in Brooklyn. I have the only grandchildren.
. "you don't love your family" "why do you want to visit your friends, you didn't care about them since you moved". I know she is hurt that we moved, but do you think this is normal? How do you handle your parents? How did your parents and extended family handle you moving away?
