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I met my husband while travelling for work and moved to his home town 5 years ago.
He is happy here - has family and old friends around and recently bought in to a local business which gives him a good income.
I found it quite difficult to settle here. It is a long way from my own family. To see them requires a few hours drive to an airport then a couple of hour flight, then they pick us up from their nearest airport which is close to an hour drive from where they live.
It's also quite a small rural town and cliquey, most people have known each other since elementary school. Most of my husband's friends are nice and have become my friends too but some of their views I find hard to deal with. Two of the friends' wives in particular regularly share racist viewpoints.
I'm from a more liberal area and sometimes find people small minded. They don't really look beyond their town.
On top of this as bad as it sounds I also don't particularly enjoy being in the same town my in laws.
My mother in law likes to drop around unannounced to offer unsolicited advice and just in general they are quite domineering personalities. I would prefer to see them just for set holidays etc.
I was quite clear from the start of the relationship that I preferred to move and didn't want to stay long term but we have now planned to stay longer due to things that have come up such as the opportunity for my husband to buy in to the business.
He is getting better at listening to my feelings but it has felt at times that we have just done what suits him for example buying in to the business which postponed any plans to move by years wasn't really discussed with me. But then it is hard to argue with when it allows us a good income and I earn so much less than him.
We have a long term plan to move closer to where I'm from for a different sort of business opportunity but believe we will still be hear for at least another 5 years to build up money for the move from the current business.
At times I just feel desperation to get out of where I am and don't think I cant stand over 5 years more but I don't know whether this is logical or not. I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere.
I know my husband's family think I'm unreasonable for trying to take him away from them and a good job.
I'm now expecting a baby and am worried this is going to make the desperation to leave worse.
Can anyone relate? Does it seem reasonable for me to want to move?
I met my husband while travelling for work and moved to his home town 5 years ago.
He is happy here - has family and old friends around
and recently bought in to a local business which gives him a good income.
I found it quite difficult to settle here.
I'm now expecting a baby and am worried this is going to make the desperation to leave worse.
How long were you together before you decided to marry him and agreed to settle in there?
Quote:
Can anyone relate?
Of course. Millions have made these sorts of choices.
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Does it seem reasonable for me to want to move?
Wanting to really isn't a question that counts for much.
Last edited by MrRational; 09-15-2019 at 04:57 AM..
Most people move for a better job, that takes the decision of where to go easier.
Being in love could have clouded your feelings his hometown waybackthen but if the two of you talk about it now you have a chance for give-and-take.
Is it fair that you have changed your mind after 5 years? I think it's fair but he may not. People change their minds after living with something/someone/someplace.
But if he isn't looking for a job elsewhere, and you say he has a good job now, and you are expecting a baby then face facts that this move isn't happening this year and probably not next year.
I'm retired and we are happily long-distance moving to be closer to family (his) and moving is bloody hell.
My suggestion to you: do a small move in your current area, to a better school district (that's a good excuse), farther away from whoever you dislike most.
You married into the life you have. Worst case scenario is you say "I'm divorcing you if we don't move". Examine that very, very carefully.
OP, I suggest trying harder to "bloom where you are planted." Maybe try harder to develop a new hobby or a skill that takes your mind off the things that are bothering you. Given this economy, having a stable job is very important!
Also, if you are away and busy, there will be fewer problems with drop-in inlaws -- OR just don't answer the door or your phone. There is no law that says you have to.
Maybe you can make more money and send your relatives plane tickets or gas money so they can visit with you longer over the holidays or you can go to them.
Can you go visit your folks? Not just for holidays, but go and spend a couple months with them here and there?
... My mom wants to see a baby type of thing .
OP, I suggest trying harder to "bloom where you are planted." Maybe try harder to develop a new hobby or a skill that takes your mind off the things that are bothering you. Given this economy, having a stable job is very important!
Also, if you are away and busy, there will be fewer problems with drop-in inlaws -- OR just don't answer the door or your phone. There is no law that says you have to.
Maybe you can make more money and send your relatives plane tickets or gas money so they can visit with you longer over the holidays or you can go to them.
Also, there is nothing wrong with people who expect a call first before you "drop in". My one brother encourages people to "just drop in" but, of course, if he is gone it is a wasted trip. OTOH, my other brother always expects a call first, and if he is busy or not up for company he will honestly tell you to visit a different time.
IMHO, if your in-laws are used to just dropping in, it may get ten times worse after they have a grandchild to visit. You and your husband need to start setting some boundaries.
That’s exactly how I felt for most of the last 8 years. I was living in Los Angeles with plans to move to Las Vegas, then I met my wife up in Portland and we started dating, I moved back, but didn’t want to be there (my original home town). The first few years it was no issue, I had a lot of friends there, my family, and her. Gradually it started wearing on me again, but not to a major extent just not happy where I was. After about 6 years I pretty much said I am not going to stay here so we can do long distance or make a plan but I’m miserable here and this place sucks hardcore so I need out. She understood I had moved just for her and also didn’t like the place, just her family there, and finally just before our wedding we closed on a new house and moved the day after the wedding.
I couldn’t be happier. God bless the people who talk about making the best of a lousy place but nothing matters as much as the place. Give me a great place and I’ll build my life there, but a lousy place I don’t care who lives there, it still is miserable. I don’t know how anyone tolerates living in a small town though, it’s just beyond hilarious, two hours to get to an airport?! I can get to the airport in 12 minutes! You gotta get out of that dump.
Why do y'all keep making permanent decisions when it's clear that you are very unhappy??
This isn't a question about moving. It's a question about why two people who claim to love each other don't LISTEN to each other.
You say you were quite clear that you would want to move. Then he bought a business??
Now you're gonna have a baby, and if you dislike your in-laws now, just wait until they keep coming over wanting to see their grandchild.
If I were you, I would seek out a counselor to help you deal with your dissatisfaction without literally going crazy, and then get him to come along for some marital counseling because the two of you need to learn how to consider the other person and not read into their words what you WANT to hear.
You can make money anywhere. You should never live somewhere terrible just for the money, it doesn’t make any sense. There are opportunities in every major city without needing to be stuck in one of the bad ones. And family is no excuse to be miserable - let the idiots live out their days in some hellhole just because there are family members there. What a stupid reason. If everyone did that nobody would ever move. Someone has to make the move and let the smart family members follow. The dumb ones will stay there in the middle of nowhere and that’ll be their existence. To be unhappy for work or money isn’t worth it. There are always alternatives.
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