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But what if they don't want to go? Who "wins"? If we have the right heart attitude, then they should, right?
IDK, it just seems like our society is getting more and more selfish (not referring to you or your post, because in theory, it does make sense and would be a good compromise), and it seems like things like warm weather and living in a more exciting place mean more than family relationships and our obligations to those who have done a lot for us and deserve to be repaid for that.
Unfortunately, there are few "winners" in such a situation.
Sometimes, in order to advance in this society, one has to leave their family behind and strike out on their own. The "warm weather" of a particular place is almost a non-issue. For instance, if Barack Obama had not been "selfish" and remained in Hawai'i to take care of his ailing mother and grandmother, he might have been a "good son", but he probably wouldn't have been elected President of the United States. The Story of Barack Obama's Mother Barack Obama's grandmother dies
However, Obama's sister, Maya Soetoro-Ng, did stick around to take care of their mother and grandmother, but she'll probably never achieve as much as her brother, despite having multiple graduate degrees. Maya Soetoro-Ng - Wikipedia
This isn't about warmer weather...people move away from their hometowns all the time, whether it's for weather-related reasons or not. But it gets harder the longer you wait, and I wouldn't do it with parents in their 70s or 80s. I moved away when I was in my early 20s when there wasn't that obligation to help out elderly parents.
Unfortunately, there are few "winners" in such a situation.
Sometimes, in order to advance in this society, one has to leave their family behind and strike out on their own. The "warm weather" of a particular place is almost a non-issue. For instance, if Barack Obama had not been "selfish" and remained in Hawai'i to take care of his ailing mother and grandmother, he might have been a "good son", but he probably wouldn't have been elected President of the United States. The Story of Barack Obama's Mother Barack Obama's grandmother dies
However, Obama's sister, Maya Soetoro-Ng, did stick around to take care of their mother and grandmother, but she'll probably never achieve as much as her brother, despite having multiple graduate degrees. Maya Soetoro-Ng - Wikipedia
I think different dynamics also come into play for both of them, namely cultural interaction. Meaning, for a more "rich" cultural interaction in the case of Obama, ha had to come to the mainland, whereas his sister doesn't, when considering their backgrounds.
I think different dynamics also come into play for both of them, namely cultural interaction. Meaning, for a more "rich" cultural interaction in the case of Obama, ha had to come to the mainland, whereas his sister doesn't, when considering their backgrounds.
Actually, it's probably more of a "birth order" or "gender" dynamic than a "cultural interaction" thing. Maya got degrees from universities on the East Coast (Barnard College and NYU), like her brother Barack; however, she felt that she had to return home to Hawai'i to take care of their ailing mother and grandmother.
My mom and I have always been very close, and my dad an I, too - there was a period of five years where we didn't talk because he couldn't get behind an ideological attitude of mine (him: Jesus rules! Me: Jesus sucks!), and it was really tense. I ended up moving out on my own at 16 as a result, and we only started talking again before I moved out to CA (we lived in MA). I'm glad we did, because a couple years after I moved out, he was called to service in Iraq. We'd been talking again, and I came out to visit a few times before he deployed, even if for just a few days, because I was terrified - what if he died? What if I never saw him again?
All of a sudden, the worst thought I could imagine, and the scariest thing in my mind, was that I could lose my dad without telling him that I do love him, even if he didn't seem to think that it's possible because I rejected Christ. We did a lot together and both rediscovered how similar we are: we are both really into cars, we both have a fairly ribald sense of humor that he'd suppressed for years because he felt like he had to be a moral beacon for me and my sisters. Once those barriers came down - because of the situation we were in - we got much more close.
I also had to sit down with him and my mom and talk about what would happen if he died. What funeral home his remains were to be sent to. At what point, due to the condition of his remains, he'd prefer to be cremated. Life insurance policies, deeds to family properties, what I needed to do for my mom and sisters: basically, that I'd now be the family patriarch. I'd move back to MA and do what I had to, to keep the family going.
Thankfully, he made it back mostly okay - he's been ruled "100% disabled" by the government, but still teaches professionally. He's had a few surgeries and I've gone back when he's had them. The PTSD ebbs and flows. Whereas he'd always been a pretty healthy, stout guy, and people on his side tend to live pretty long... now, we're not sure, and we're not sure what things are going to be like, the longer time goes on. My maternal grandma is in her late 70's and her doctor said she's got the health of a 40-year old; everyone on that side lives well into their 80's and 90's.
I'm still here in California, now in my late 20's. I've made a career for myself here, and I plan on being here more or less indefinitely. I love it here. But then, I remember when I was a kid and we'd drive for six hours through the Oregon desert to get to my paternal grandparents' place, I remember my mom dropping us off with her mom for the night and ordering pizza and being read stories. I would love for my kids to experience that... I'd love to be there to help out around the house - my dad and I built a deck for my grandma one summer when I was 12, and starting around the age of 9, I'd use the riding mower to mow the lawn.
They've been talking about relocating out here eventually, now that my younger sister has moved out this way, too (my other sister still lives at home)... but I don't want them to, really. We moved around so much because of the military, and New England is where they chose to settle because they loved it so much.
I worked in hospice in Seattle for awhile, and saw these people who had basically been abandoned by their families. A lot of them were from rural areas in WA, OR, ID, MT, or AK. I ended up sitting bedside with WW2 vets, well into the night, telling me about the finest moments of their lives and the excitement of seeing Europe - the only time they really "got off the farm." They'd lament that their sons or daughters never really brought around their grandkids after they moved away, and so they'd never hear these stories from grand dad. Women would tell me about their first date with the man they were married to for fifty or sixty years, and then tell me that they never told their daughters, and that they'd tried, but they'd cut the conversation short because they needed to do something more important. Or there'd be a couple, married for decades, sadder than all hell because their kids, for whatever reason, couldn't rip themselves away from their lives to be there when their parent passed away. So, I ended up being a stand in.
I really don't know what I'm going to do when the time comes.
Thankfully, I've got a few years to figure it all out.
I'm an only child and I haven't lived in the same state as my parents since they were in their late 40s. They're now in their mid 70s and live with harsh winters in the midwest, while I live in the Sunbelt, where it rarely snows. They're retired, but they don't like the heat here and they know that I don't like the winters there! They're not going to move to anywhere near me and I have no plans to move near them.
The kind of work I went to college for and did when I left was not available in my hometown, so there was never an expectation that I would live where they live. Now the kind of work my wife does is not available there, so there is no possibility we'll move within 50 miles of them unless she changes careers.
My dad had the same issue when he was my age. He grew up in a very rural place and ended up doing very specialized work that wasn't available in his hometown. Then he changed careers and ran a small business for 20 years that kept him tied to the local area.
Last edited by Bo; 04-26-2011 at 07:14 AM..
Reason: spelling, grammar fixes
What do the parents say? Isn't their opinion important? Do they live among a lot of friends or other relatives or are they loners? If they aren't all alone up there with you gone they may not be bad off. What would have happened if you had to move for a job reason?
I think it goes both ways.
As a mom, when my son becomes of age, and if he wishes to move to "timbuktu" if that's his dream..whether or not, I'm elderly/incapacitated, I won't stop him.
Life is short, and "elderly" is just around the bend for us all.
The same way I think its selfish for grown children to disregard their elderly parents completely, I also think its selfish for older people to think their kids will stay with them forever. They lived their life, so wouldn't they want their kids to live there's?
Its a real tug o war and struggle.
My parents are not elderly yet. They're 50s-60s.
But..the thoughts do cross my mind, and yes it worries me to be so far..but again, they had a choice to make in their younger years where they wanted to live, and now I've made a choice too. It doesn't mean that at times it doesn't break my heart..
Each situation is different too.
Not everyone who leaves for "warmer weather" is a careles,insensitive selfish ego maniac.
canudigit - I see you are still trying to put the pieces together for a possible move out of state. I'm afraid I can't help you make this decision based on how I structured my life. I had the adventure of living in different parts of the country during my career while my parents were younger. As I neared retirement, which gave me the option to live wherever I wanted, I found myself drawn back to the mid-Atlantic where I grew up. Although it wasn't the sole reason for moving to Philly, the fact that my parents (now in their mid-70s) are only 2 hours away is fantastic.
It seems in reading all the threads you've started, you know what you want. It's not for me to advise you, however. Just look into your heart, gut or whatever, and listen to yourself.
I guess I'm more independent than some folks. You don't have to take care of your elderly parents. That's why there's retirement communities ... when the kids (who are grown and have families of their own and are very busy) nor the grandparents can take care of themselves.
Nobody should expect you to put your life on hold.
In the same breath however, I do not agree that simply moving over weather should be an excuse. Only real excuse to move is for a job or you absolutely hate the city/area.
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