To Those Who Have Left Behind Elderly Parents Just to Avoid Cold Weather... (school districts, living in)
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how in the world did you do it? Did your parents end up moving with you, or were you able to just walk away without a twinge of guilt or remorse?
The reason I ask is because my dh wants to move to another city that is 800+ miles from where we live now in about two years. I would also love to do it, but I just don't see how we can when we have parents who will be in their mid-70s and 80s when we leave. I feel an obligation to them, to take care of them in their old age just as they took care of us in our early years. My dh feels that his dad will just follow us, but in reality, how many people move, or even want to, when they're eighty and have lived in the same place since 1955? My mom is firmly entrenched here and would never, ever make a move anywhere. This leaves us either canceling our dream or abandoning our parents in their old age.
I am a nurse in a LTC facility. Everyday at work I care for residents whose kids have left them for greener pastures. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see how lonely they are, or how desperate they are to hear from their kids who live far away. One lady has a son who lives in Maryland (we are in Michigan) who said that he would call her on Easter by 8 PM. She was waiting by the phone from 9 AM on yesterday and telling everyone that her son was going to call, that's how excited she was, and it was heartbreaking. I don't want that to be my mom! So many of our residents have kids who have taken off for places like California, Florida, or South Carolina because they were tired of winter. I'm tired of winter too, but what about family? What about obligations?
Can anyone share their personal experiences with this problem? I just don't understand how so many people here on C-D can post things like, "I can't stand one more winter here, I'm moving myself, my wife, and our three kids to ______, tell me where the good school districts are." Don't they think that their kids need their grandparents and vice versa? Has our society changed this much?
That's some seriously heart-breaking stuff about the person waiting for the phone call from their son in MD.
I know that if my parents or in-laws were getting to that age and were needing assistance, or would be soon, that I would have a hard time just picking up and leaving them to fend for themselves. They've lived here their entire lives...why should I expect them to move across the country just because I'm not man enough to put up with a midwestern winter.
Basically, I look down on these wimps who move for no other reason than not liking our weather. I hate our winters too, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to throw away everything we have here to escape it.
I feel an obligation to them, to take care of them in their old age just as they took care of us in our early years.
I totally agree. Now in my mid 30s, I have a deep appreciation for the love, nurturing and patience my parents showed me-especially when I was a terrible teen(What a handful I was). It is an honor and privilege for me to help them now that they are in need of comfort and care.
However when kids are in their twenties they want to go out and explore what the world has to offer. I can't fault them for doing that. I went all over and am a better person for it.
But folks, you only have one mom and dad(many people don't even have that) and I count my blessings every day, of which they are among my most treasured.
So even if you don't live nearby, please keep in touch with your parents. Im pretty sure they miss you and think about you all the time.
Thanks, McLaren, that's how I feel too. There is more to life than just being on a warm beach somewhere, KWIM? One of the things, if not the biggest thing, that makes life worthwhile is relationships with other people that you love and that love you too. To leave everyone behind who has meant everything to us and move to a place where we would know no one would be kind of depressing once the novelty wore off, that's what I'm thinking.
The example that I gave of the lady waiting for the phone call from MD was just one example. I see the same situation played out every time I go to work. These people are just desperate for time with the people that they love. Yesterday another lady's son and daughter-in-law, whom I have never seen before, maybe they were in town for the holiday or something, came to visit her and stayed for a little while then asked her if she wanted to go back to her room, go sit in the living room to watch some TV, or sit with a group of other ladies in the dining room. She just looked at them with pleading eyes and said, "I don't want to do any of those things, I just want to keep visiting with YOU!" It broke my heart. It seems like families used to care more and that taking care of one's parents, or at least being nearby to see them often, was a priority. Again, I don't want that to be my mom or my dh's dad. I just don't see us moving away under the circumstances, even though my dh has some health issues that would benefit from a warmer climate. It comes down to, whose needs to you honor, yours or your parents'?
Last edited by canudigit; 04-25-2011 at 09:18 AM..
I totally agree. Now in my mid 30s, I have a deep appreciation for the love, nurturing and patience my parents showed me-especially when I was a terrible teen(What a handful I was). It is an honor and privilege for me to help them now that they are in need of comfort and care.
However when kids are in their twenties they want to go out and explore what the world has to offer. I can't fault them for doing that. I went all over and am a better person for it.
But folks, you only have one mom and dad(many people don't even have that) and I count my blessings every day, of which they are among my most treasured.
So even if you don't live nearby, please keep in touch with your parents. Im pretty sure they miss you and think about you all the time.
No one is forcing them to stay. Take them with you and they can live nearby.
But what if they don't want to go? Who "wins"? If we have the right heart attitude, then they should, right?
IDK, it just seems like our society is getting more and more selfish (not referring to you or your post, because in theory, it does make sense and would be a good compromise), and it seems like things like warm weather and living in a more exciting place mean more than family relationships and our obligations to those who have done a lot for us and deserve to be repaid for that.
I struggle with this myself. I'm in my mid 30's and my folks are now in their 60's. They are in TN and I am in CA. Luckily for me the weather in TN isn't as bad as it is up north so if I had to move back it wouldn't be that bad.
I feel like it is very selfish to leave your parents at this time. I would never leave my mother by herself in 75+ years of age.
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