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I agree with you.
My viewpoint has always been: if you disagree with a parent's rules, or feel the parent's rules are truly unreasonable, then don't look after the kids.
I'm 100% against this 'popular' viewpoint of 'when they're in MY home things will be done MY way'- I'd almost like to smack individuals who take that approach. In my opinion, it's less about eating unhealthy food than confusing kids- instead of having a clear set of rules, the 'rules' depend on where they are or who they are with.
If I were in your position, I'd make it clear that the rules you set are the rules to be followed, and if the grandparents insist on violating it then don't leave the kids with them. And tell them why.
Reality check. The rules do depend on who where they are or who they are with. The best thing we can teach children is how to act and respond appropriately in each situation. And if gma overfeeds them, than the appropriate response is a simple "no thanks".
Parents are not the sole influence on their children, nor should they be. Grandparents are a very safe place to learn to see that their parents and the world at large may differ. These little experiences helps set them up for hearing all those differing opinions from Mom and Dads when they get to school and peer pressure really kicks in. If all anyone does is parrot the parents exact message and rules they aren't learning any critical thinking or learning how to address differing opinions.
Remember the adage "it takes a village?" Don't we want our kids to learn to do things because they are right and not just because we said so? Well, the OPs daughter likely learned a very good lesson about over eating and its consequences which ultimately just supported the notion that her mothers rules are for her benefit. If any thing it is a great teachable moment. Instead of responding by cutting the grandparents out, teach the child that "Hey grandma means well, but sometimes other people don't know what is best for us, right? Maybe you should listen to that voice inside you that told you you were full and tell grandma you don't want any more." How empowering would that be down the road! Thanks gma!
Reality check. The rules do depend on who where they are or who they are with. The best thing we can teach children is how to act and respond appropriately in each situation. And if gma overfeeds them, than the appropriate response is a simple "no thanks".
Sooo ... situational ethics???
I don't think so. The rules go with the child. If the child "has" to enforce it by saying "no thank you," the grandparents should honor it.
If your daughter is old enough to express "Grandma overfed me", then she is old enough to say "No thank you" when offered too much junk. Empower her by giving her permission to say no.
As far as the multiple McDonalds meals go, I'd ask why. Was it because the kids fussed for it? Are the grandparents on a Micky D's type budget? My in-laws were, and they saw no harm in taking my boys. Honestly, I don't either. I would have preferred a more balanced diet, but for a couple of days? No worries.
My very thought!
Also....McD's has improved a ton since my kids were little. Lots more healthy choices.
Maybe the grandparents lacked ides where the kids could safely play with other kids...Assuming their McD's had the play equipment.
OP I get that you feel your rules were disregarded. The big picture will become clearer as you get older....Time with Grandparents....priceless.
I don't think so. The rules go with the child. If the child "has" to enforce it by saying "no thank you," the grandparents should honor it.
Rules are not ethics.
For example, the ethic maybe that we want to be polite and respectful to others. But one adult may prefer being called Mrs. Last name and another may prefer Mrs. First name. Different rules but both appropriate and "right". Same goes for schools. What maybe a rule in one classroom maybe not in another. This is even more true as we become adults and work with others. I have two administrators, one prefers deadlines being met over completion and would rather you turn in unfinished work but at the exact time. Another prefers deadline be shifted to in order to be finished. Different rules but both appropriate. Hell, kids learn at a very early age that the rules from parent to parent differ. Dad may let you do way more crazy things that mom would say are definitely against the "rules" (or vice versa). The notion that rules are universal in all situations at all times is just not true. In my home it was a "rule" to be respectful to adults, probably yours too, but if an adult tried to harm your child I doubt you would expect them to follow the "rule" in that situation right?
BTW, children should always be taught to say "No thank you" rather than expecting the world to follow the parents rules. Really, expand that outside the family and you will see just how ridiculous and down right dangerous it is to not teach the kids to be able to say "No thanks". And yes, the family is the perfect place for the to be safely taught, because your family does have your child's best interests at heart. The world? Frequently not so much.
You can do both. There can be rules that intelligent adults can follow, and kids can help police themselves.
If the kid had a diagnosis that required certain rules be followed but the grandparents just didn't "believe" in them ... That's ok?
The OP is not wrong here.
Why are you muddying the waters here with scenarios that aren't pertinent to the situation?
The mom may not be "wrong", but she is misguided in my opinion. Nothing the grandparents did caused any more than an upset stomach (which the child could have prevented by saying no). However, the mother could do lasting damage to the grandparent-parent-grandchild relationship by making a fuss over it.
You can do both. There can be rules that intelligent adults can follow, and kids can help police themselves.
Exactly! I did state that the OP was right and her parents were wrong in my first post. I also pointed out that breaking the rules is not a good reason to stop grandparents visitation. Especially when the outcome for breaking those rules was tummy ache.
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If the kid had a diagnosis that required certain rules be followed but the grandparents just didn't "believe" in them ... That's ok?
Holy strawman batman! You might as well ask "What if the grandparents made the child do porn?" You have created a vastly different scenario and held it up as the same. McDonalds for a healthy child and McDonalds for say a child with diabetes are vastly different. One is simply not following moms rules, the other is child endangerment. Unless you consider not following moms rules the equivalent of child endangerment.
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The OP is not wrong here.
See my first post.
But hey, the OP can be right and still be wrong. Especially when being right means denying her children access to their grandparents.
Obviously y'all haven't had the pleasure of dealing with a grandparent who "doesn't believe" autism is a real thing. Or grandparents who really do seem to get a perverse thrill out of subverting their own kids' rules.
Anyway, I trust the OP to judge her own family members' motives.
I asked my mom not to give my son chocolate because the caffein kept him awake at night. So one night shortly after he couldn't sleep and he said gramma let him have chocolate cake with chocolate ice cream on it. It was so blatant that I never let her babysit again. I really lost a lot of respect for her because she knew we had to get up early since I worked at 7am, and she gave him double chocolate just to spite me.
I think some Grand Parents really just want to get under your skin to cause friction- mess. I had this problem with my Mother whom I fell out with back in 2006. I have four children 3 boys and a girl. The problem here was pretty foul to me. I have a 2 son with disabilities and my mom was a Registered Nurse at the time. One of my son's needs medication - enzymes to eat- his body doesn't make enzymes on it's own. He is also on nebulizer treatments 3 times a day. Back then , I thought since she was a nurse it may have been fine to leave the kids with her since she was a Nurse. I left the kids there for the weekend and my daughter was the first to tell me that she didn't do any of my son's meds!! Wow. He was beginning to look a little pale like sickly. So, I addressed the fact that she didn't give him his med's and she simply told me that -she didn't believe in sickness and all of that crap! So, I was hurt because my kid could have died in her care. Not. to mention after that she only wanted to show favoritism to one of my son's in which she didn't want to buy anything for the other children period. When we would pull in the driveway she always ran out to hug one kid and made the other children feel sad. To all of the grand parents reading this thread that feel she was still right - you can put a sock in it!!! this is foul behavior that I simply won't accept by anyone I don't care how old you are. I fixed the problem by not bringing the children around altogether for nearly 10 years. I would still call and send a card to express our differences but if she couldn't treat my children fairly then her care was not accepted. Today, she has much respect and my children are old enough to know that she can be out of line. this is behavior that no parent should tolerate. I hope this helps someone that understands. As some may not!
Last edited by kalfur; 09-30-2015 at 10:52 PM..
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