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My daughter at 21 got pregnant after an 8-wk relationship. She and the boyfriend have had a rocky relationship, at times, but have made it for seven years. My husband and I have given them trips and a ton of $$ to help them out, hoping that this would eliminate some of their stress. I've been taking care of my granddaughter, now five, for several days per week, since she was born. We were paying for her swimming lessons, part of her preschool, etc. My daughter's boyfriend's mother has been cheating on her husband for the past three years, and we were friends with her husband. It was difficult to keep this secret quiet, but my daughter told us we could not say a word. Then my daughter told me last fall that her boyfriend's mother was seeking men "no strings attached" on the Internet (!) My apartment manager informed me that he saw my granddaughter with the other grandmother at a lake with one of her boyfriends. My granddaughter was also showing up at our home with kids' tatoos all over her body, in in appropriate places, placed there by the other grandmother. My husband and I were very concerned that the other grandmother was placing our granddaughter in jeopardy, with these men she'd met in bars and on the Internet. Who knows who these men were she's going out with are?? My daughter has not shared any of this with her boyfriend, and frankly didn't think it was a big deal. I informed our daughter that the other grandmother has "crossed the line" by seeking men on the Internet, no strings attached. My husband and I decided to blow the lid off things. We told the grandfather about his wife's secret life. He didn't seem surprised, and said "this wasn't the first time..." My daughter was so livid we spilled the beans, she has not let us see our granddaughter since January 1st, and we have not seen her newborn son - born on Jan. 30. She's also threatened us with a "restraining order" if we step foot on her property. Has anyone has a similar situation? How does one deal with this kind of pain? Her boyfriend also went crazy on us and said it was "none of our business." My daughter and the boyfriend continue to be very friendly with his parents who are still together.
From an outsiders perspective, based on what you've shared, I have to say that my honest opinion is that it was/is none of your business. You cannot control what other grandparents do with the grandchild when they are with her. You cannot control the parents and their decisions, you cannot make decisions for anyone but yourself. By "spilling the beans" you interfered, and your daughter has a right to be upset, as it seems she felt she had her trust in you that she could speak with you about things, and in her mind you have betrayed her trust.
What the other grandmother, grandparents, and parents of the child do is their business. Unless you saw something like unexplained bruises or serious signs of abuse, there was no reason for you to say or do anything.
It's just so difficult to stand by when you see so cases of murdered children on TV, where the innocent child was subjected to a preditor. Be it the mom or the grandmom who is exposing the child to many, many men... especially men met on the Internet for relationships "with no strings" attached, and the child goes along with grandma to meet the men.
P.S. Could be I over-reacted, because this grandma wasn't watching my granddaughter when she was 12 mos. old, and she fell into a wood burning stove and burned one hand. More often than not, she would come home with scratches or bruises. Then when she was 4 years old, the grandma wasn't watching her and she was in a pool, sinking to the bottom when my daughter drove up. My daughter dove in the pool, and saved her daughter. Nothing this grandmother does is wrong in the eyes of her son or my daughter.
Kinda hard to go back now, but you should have spoken to your daughter about the concern over the grandchild instead of telling the bfs father about his wife.
My thoughts are, why isnt your daughter concerned about the tatoos placed on her daughters body in places that they shouldnt be?? Not to mention ALL of the other things you have said. Maybe you could have a one on one talk with your daughter and explain how you made a mistake, and deserve a second chance. From what you have said here, I would try whatever it took to get back into my grandchilds life so that I could watch out for her!
P.S. Could be I over-reacted, because this grandma wasn't watching my granddaughter when she was 12 mos. old, and she fell into a wood burning stove and burned one hand. More often than not, she would come home with scratches or bruises. Then when she was 4 years old, the grandma wasn't watching her and she was in a pool, sinking to the bottom when my daughter drove up. My daughter dove in the pool, and saved her daughter. Nothing this grandmother does is wrong in the eyes of her son or my daughter.
Those things warrant talking to someone about, certainly. That sort of negligence is cause for major concern.
I spoke with my daughter plenty of times over the years. The bf is very overbearing, and intimidating. My daughter just never reacted to anything. Very disheartening as a grandmother. I thought I knew my daughter better than this. I'm getting involved in volunteer work, and trying to fill the gap, as I used to spend so much time babysitting my granddaughter.
Wow...First I think that it is way out of line for you of all people to spill those kinds of beans and break up a marriage...Second, it is your dd's 'job' to oversee who her dd associates with, not yours. Granted you were concerned for your grandd's safety, but still,,,you should have discussed all of this with your dd. I know the other grandmother may not watch the grandbaby as well as you...but it is the mother of that child that oversees her care. You should have taken issue with your daughter before you made any kind of move...IMO I think you way overstepped boundries and I would be pissed as well... I would never not let family see kids because the kids are the ones who suffer...but I would be very very upset. Sorry. That is just my honest opinion...
Wow...First I think that it is way out of line for you of all people to spill those kinds of beans and break up a marriage...Second, it is your dd's 'job' to oversee who her dd associates with, not yours. Granted you were concerned for your grandd's safety, but still,,,you should have discussed all of this with your dd. I know the other grandmother may not watch the grandbaby as well as you...but it is the mother of that child that oversees her care. You should have taken issue with your daughter before you made any kind of move...IMO I think you way overstepped boundries and I would be pissed as well... I would never not let family see kids because the kids are the ones who suffer...but I would be very very upset. Sorry. That is just my honest opinion...
It sounds like to me, with daughter removed, this poster shared a terrible secret with a friend that was really hard to keep, as I would if I felt that it was this damaging, especially to my own family. I also believe I read that they two did not break up the marriage.
She also gently brough the concerns up with the daughter to no avail.
The woman is putting her grandchild in danger. I would have been taking pictures of the bruises, complete with dates and the story that the grandchild had behind it. I would have journaled all the stories the daughter told her, like the little girl nearly drowning and getting burned. That's pure negligence. I would see if I could find the othe rgrandmother online, not to find out what she was doing but to make dang sure that pics of her do not include the grandaughter.
You are right, the child is the one that WILL suffer, not seeing grandparents she knows, loves and take good care of her and WILL suffer when left along with such a negligent woman.
My MIL would sometimes say things about my parents and I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Neither of my parents see my kids much because they are abusive and negligent.
To the OPer, I would be very concerned. I would have reported the abuse. About the only thing you can do now is talk to the other granfather if he's willing and keep trying to talk to your daughter. Good luck.
It sounds like to me, with daughter removed, this poster shared a terrible secret with a friend that was really hard to keep, as I would if I felt that it was this damaging, especially to my own family. I also believe I read that they two did not break up the marriage.
She also gently brough the concerns up with the daughter to no avail.
The woman is putting her grandchild in danger. I would have been taking pictures of the bruises, complete with dates and the story that the grandchild had behind it. I would have journaled all the stories the daughter told her, like the little girl nearly drowning and getting burned. That's pure negligence. I would see if I could find the othe rgrandmother online, not to find out what she was doing but to make dang sure that pics of her do not include the grandaughter.
You are right, the child is the one that WILL suffer, not seeing grandparents she knows, loves and take good care of her and WILL suffer when left along with such a negligent woman.
My MIL would sometimes say things about my parents and I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Neither of my parents see my kids much because they are abusive and negligent.
To the OPer, I would be very concerned. I would have reported the abuse. About the only thing you can do now is talk to the other granfather if he's willing and keep trying to talk to your daughter. Good luck.
Unless the OP's own daughter is an uncompetent mother, the mother is the one who should be dealing with the so called abuse. I would have to question the mother of the grandchild before the other grandmother. Who on Earth would leave their own child with a person AGAIN after finding them at the bottom of a pool? Bruises? Burns? At some point I think the questioning needs to be focused on the mother. Breaking the 'cheating' news does nothing to benifit the grandbaby or the dd of the OP. Call CPS if you're that concerned about child abuse. Don't put your own daughter in a very volitile situation by outing an inlaw for cheating. What would that do? Other then cause more problems. If there is honest concern for a child's well being, call the appropriate people. You can even do it anonymously. I just don't get all the extra drama if the well being of the child is of concern...
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