Can a woman desire to enter a lesbian relationship for non-sexual reasons? (lobby, stereotypes)

[croftylot24]

This is an opinion that I've seen on some forums that's actually quite unpopular and I have a real life experience with it. I want to know what you think about it. It's a long post so bear with me please.

One of my sons friends has lesbian parents who are in a quite happy and fulfilling relationship. The thing is though, his mother was previously married to a man from a very traditional African culture and decided to divorce due to difficulties along with her sons issues with her husband.

You might be saying like a lot of people online that she realized that she was attracted to women and finally came to terms by difficulties with being married to a heterosexual man by divorcing him and marrying another woman. That's totally wrong according to her.

She says that she was alright in her relationship. She enjoyed sex with her hubbie and men in general seeing as she dated two men in her twenties when living in Kenya two decades ago. She considered herself attracted to men only and didn't consider anything else.

Now most who share this sentiment will largely claim it's because they are straight and don't feel attracted to anyone else. For her though, it's another story. When talking to her, she told me that she never felt like being in a relationship with another female until she started having major problems with her husband after moving to Europe along with her sons issues. She distanced herself from her husband and tried to console her son who was having problems with school, father, self esteem etc.. A few times, she mentioned that she would divorce her husband to her young teen son and he suggested that she should 'marry another nurturing woman'. She scoffed it as ridiculous since being gay is 'taboo' in a Africa along with the fact that she had never considered her sexuality but 5 years later, she married another woman even to her surprise and is comfortable in the relationship.

Now people will say "She was a bisexual or lesbian woman who just discovered herself" but she begs to differ. She says that she disliked the overbearing masculinity of her older husband and didn't want to risk the same thing with another man, so she married another woman since in general women raised in liberal households/areas of the West are non-agressive and more nurturing compared to men. One interesting thing is that she found that she enjoys the sex with a woman despite only entering to give her son a more nurturing parent. She herself doubts that sexual orientation can be so 'fixed' and that personal factors can change it.

What do you think about this? A lot of users here like to stress how different men and women are so if you can agree that men are more agressive and 'tough' on their wife and kids and a woman are much more nurturing and less/non-agressive, is it silly to think that someone can choose to be in a romantic and sexual relationship not on what they feel like sexually but their preferences on behavior and personality in their ideal partner based on typical gender dynamics?

[ericsvibe]

Anyone touching this subject is going to get torched from both sides. The Gay lobby wants people to believe that being Gay is something you are born with, and you can't choose, or ignore it. They want this designation because it affords them special privileges in regards to protections in the law. If you are "born" this way, you can't change it, and you are a minority. My older sister has been married to men, and women. She has children. She also doesn't consider herself as bi-sexual, or lesbian. Her exact words are that she can experience sexual pleasure from a man, a woman, or a piece of plastic.


I am sure that there are many out there that are like this. However, the Gay lobby has a very powerful voice in this country, and they are the ones setting the terms right now. They have lots of power. I myself can't wait until gay marriage is normalized so that these people can move on to something else.


As a Libertarian, I think that all marriage should be allowed, including polygamy. The government doesn't have any right to tell a free person whom to marry.


As to her comment that men are too aggressive, that is just her opinion. In my home, I am the nurturer. My wife is the more aggressive person. Our kids will go to Dad first, before going to Mom. Each person is unique and has their own personality, and people can't really be put into stereotypes like that.


I personally don't find men attractive, so to me the answer of my sexuality was very easy. I do however have many Gay and Lesbian family members, so I have discussed this topic at length with them.

[ABQConvict]

Your topic title is misleading. You say the woman entered the relationship for non sexual reasons, then you mention she enjoys sex with her female partner.

If it is neither sexual nor romantic, it is not a lesbian relationship, in my opinion. They are cohabiting friends.

On the other hand, if she is having consensual sex, enjoying it, and married to a woman, she is a lesbian.

She may have entered a friendship and come out with a lover.

[convextech]

A lesbian is a homosexual. If you aren't having sex, you aren't a lesbian. You're just friends.

[croftylot24]

Originally Posted by convextech

A lesbian is a homosexual. If you aren't having sex, you aren't a lesbian. You're just friends.

She is having sex however, her case goes against those of mot women being 'lesbian' as an innate aspect of themselves as opposed to a preference.

She says her dislike of a masculine figure for her son and herself is what drove her to close off entering a second relationship with a man. Not that she believes all masculine men are 'evil' 'agressive' or 'violent' but rather she entered a stage in life where she preferred to have a more stable and 'nurturing' partner.

I hope people don't take this the wrong way and assume that she or I believe that sexual orientation is any less valid. I do believe there are people who innately are only attracted to women or men of the same gender, I just don't buy into the narrative that it a relationship with done by a choice of preference is any less legitimate than one due to orientation.

[Sonic_Spork]

People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons.

I object to the entire argument of whether being gay is a choice or a thing you're born with. I hate it. Frankly I wish the gay community would step back and look at it differently. Because if it is a choice, then you can ignore it or be converted or some such foolishness, but if it is something you are born and cannot help, then perchance biologists and geneticists and pharma could work on "curing" it. Which is equally horrid to think about. Really the ultimate answer for me is, "Who the heck cares WHY a person is gay, what matters is that they are free to pursue their own happiness. If they're happy then nothing is broken, nothing needs fixed, and causes don't matter." To even pursue an answer to what causes people to be gay is to possibly imply that it should be otherwise. Or at least that is the danger, in the society we live in. THAT is the fight that needs to be fought. Not whether a person is able to choose or is born that way.

But in my personal world and way of thinking (and this is part of why I'm not on CD that much anymore) "normal" =/= "right."

I personally think that some people probably have some sort of physiological disposition. I would expect more of them to be gay men, as I see more additional traits presenting in some gay men, which I wonder if they are hormonal or genetic or something. Some people just have more cognitive flexibility, and that could be nature or nurture. Those might simply be more willing to try different things with different partners and accept that they could like something unconventional. And people enter into relationships for all sorts of reasons that are valid to them, whether they are valid reasons for others or not.

I have enthusiastically consented to sex with an appealing partner, only to find it unfulfilling and never want to be with that partner ever again. I have gone ahead with sex, with partners I was not very attracted to in the first place, only to find that they blew my mind, the experience was amazing, and later to fall head over heels for 'em. I have had intense crushes where the chemistry didn't make for good sexual connections. I've had experiences with both male partners and female partners. I've enjoyed relationships where I was not really sexually interested in someone, it was ok, but the friendship bit was fantastic.

I've always felt ultimately that I fall in love with a person's mind and personality, after that...we can work out what we want to do with our bodies to make each other feel nice. I don't select partners for what is in their pants. Maybe what began as a marriage of logistics and convenience and sensible logic evolved into loving feelings and even sexual enjoyment. So what?

[ClaraC]

I think that for many women, their sexuality is very suggestible. I know a few women who have done just what you say - they were in long term relationships with a variety of men (or one man) and got so burned that they don't want any more of THAT, thank you!! And yet they want to be in an intimate long term relationship, and so they choose a woman. And maybe years down the road might switch back to men.

I don't think men are like that. I think male sexual preferences (even very specific ones, like the preferred appearance of a partner, not just the gender) are set basically from birth.

[steiconi]

I think sexuality is not gay vs straight, it's a sliding scale. I think many people are going to stick to one preference most of their lives, but others might be more into men now, and prefer women at another time in their life.

There are a lot of reasons to choose a particular person as your partner. Emotional support is important.

[Nov3]

Nothing wins a conversation like irrational thinking.
Her definition is hers to spin.

[hunterseat]

I think men are in it (mainly) for the sex, women are in it (mainly) for the companionship.

people are people. If someone loves you hopefully they'll consider your feelings.