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I'm just so torn, people that we'd been friends with for over 20 yrs. - I met them through my husband who had known them for longer. I though I was friends as well but since he passed in March, not so much. Initially, one of the guys he considered a best friend and his wife stepped up and said they'd pay for cremation (found out that two of his sisters helped as well) - since: He called me once (I was still pretty much out of it), called his wife once when I was really losing it, talked but haven't heard from her since. One sister took me out to lunch a couple months ago - haven't heard from her since.
Anyway, had gotten a Save the Date card from the BF's son & fiancee months before he passed - I have since received an invite - not sure if they feel obligated or they want me to come. It would uncomfortable enough to go alone (it's not terribly far but far enough, there is a hotel option which is still a drive from the venue) - this would involve spending money for the hotel (I'm on a SERIOUS budget, can't afford to stay here), not sure if anyone even wants me to come (I've always been very friendly, sociable, helpful, etc.) - it's an odd dynamic with the family.
Sorry this is so long... Would really like some objective opinions (and I don't have many friends here so would love to catch up but not if they don't even like me.... )
if it would be a hardship don't go. some people are uncomfortable talking with someone who has experienced loss. they don't know what to say, if they should bring up the lost spouse or not bring them up at all. I am sure they still care for you. maybe give them a call and ask the wife to a movie. tell them you are feeling a bit better and hope to be able to be a bit more social. don't wait for other people reach out.
I'm just so torn, people that we'd been friends with for over 20 yrs. - I met them through my husband who had known them for longer. I though I was friends as well but since he passed in March, not so much. Initially, one of the guys he considered a best friend and his wife stepped up and said they'd pay for cremation (found out that two of his sisters helped as well) - since: He called me once (I was still pretty much out of it), called his wife once when I was really losing it, talked but haven't heard from her since. One sister took me out to lunch a couple months ago - haven't heard from her since.
Anyway, had gotten a Save the Date card from the BF's son & fiancee months before he passed - I have since received an invite - not sure if they feel obligated or they want me to come. It would uncomfortable enough to go alone (it's not terribly far but far enough, there is a hotel option which is still a drive from the venue) - this would involve spending money for the hotel (I'm on a SERIOUS budget, can't afford to stay here), not sure if anyone even wants me to come (I've always been very friendly, sociable, helpful, etc.) - it's an odd dynamic with the family.
Sorry this is so long... Would really like some objective opinions (and I don't have many friends here so would love to catch up but not if they don't even like me.... )
I'm wondering if after your husbands death you think of yourself as friendly sociable helpful eye but you are withdrawn sad and jaded. Death affects oriole differently. They could of been reaching out to you and unconsciously you pulled away? You can always call them and catch up. Thank them for the support etc
Good luck
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I found that over time, people who were my husband's friends for the most part, did drift away. There are a few reasons. One is that you're no longer a couple and they felt awkward inviting me over with other couples, and two is that they were his friends from work or college or childhood, and even though we were together for over 40 years, their first loyalty was to my husband. It's gotten so that we don't even exchange Christmas cards anymore. Plus, I moved to AZ from CO, so the opportunity to get together isn't there. But, in the scheme of things, it's the not being part of a couple anymore that's the hardest thing to overcome. It's tough, and I miss these people, but I do understand. I would be awkward with them, just as they'd be awkward with me.
I'm wondering if after your husbands death you think of yourself as friendly sociable helpful eye but you are withdrawn sad and jaded. Death affects oriole differently. They could of been reaching out to you and unconsciously you pulled away? You can always call them and catch up. Thank them for the support etc
Good luck
Flamingo13, as for the invite, my advice is -go if it is an event and people you will feel good around and have some fun. If not, don't go...simple as that. You've suffered a terrible loss, I am so sorry. You must be feeling alone, abandoned, scared and sad. If you could only tell your friends how you are feeling I bet they'd be all over you with apologies and hugs. Most people are so dang busy rushing through daily life anymore they'd be shocked so much time has passed between calls. What's that old saying "you wouldn't worry about what others think of you if you knew how seldom they did"....something like that.
If you're missing your friends, call them up and tell them.
I know what you mean all my husbands friend eventually faded away after he passed and I had to get out and make new friends and that is what you should do when you are ready . New phase , new friends . Old friends drift away and they wont be around much cause you are no longer a couple you are a single and you should make new friends like I said . Good luck and God bless .
Flamingo13, as for the invite, my advice is -go if it is an event and people you will feel good around and have some fun. If not, don't go...simple as that. You've suffered a terrible loss, I am so sorry. You must be feeling alone, abandoned, scared and sad. If you could only tell your friends how you are feeling I bet they'd be all over you with apologies and hugs. Most people are so dang busy rushing through daily life anymore they'd be shocked so much time has passed between calls. What's that old saying "you wouldn't worry about what others think of you if you knew how seldom they did"....something like that.
If you're missing your friends, call them up and tell them.
I agree with what you you wrote...I've experienced (big) "holes" and "vacancies" in my life over the past couple of years. (Since all of my family members passed-away.).. I don't expect friends to rush in and fill-up all of my "holes." (Well, I think I had a lot of expectations in the early stages. It took me awhile to come down to earth and face reality.)...The truth is, my friends are busy with their own lives. And, I used to have a busy "family life" too. (Before everyone died.)... I pick up the phone and call my friends if I don't hear from them in awhile...I know they care! They're just busy!...I have tons of free time now and they don't! We're in different "places" today. That's all!
I found that over time, people who were my husband's friends for the most part, did drift away. There are a few reasons. One is that you're no longer a couple and they felt awkward inviting me over with other couples, and two is that they were his friends from work or college or childhood, and even though we were together for over 40 years, their first loyalty was to my husband. It's gotten so that we don't even exchange Christmas cards anymore. Plus, I moved to AZ from CO, so the opportunity to get together isn't there. But, in the scheme of things, it's the not being part of a couple anymore that's the hardest thing to overcome. It's tough, and I miss these people, but I do understand. I would be awkward with them, just as they'd be awkward with me.
This is exactly it. After my husband died, I realized that most of our friends were his. I've lost touch with all but a few, and I don't talk to them very often. I haven't seen them in a while.
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