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The difference is janellen is that elston has known me for years--my dh of 27 years passed away Sept 2014.....it has been an ugly hard struggle. While I can see where keeping busy and not letting the grief control your life there are times when I would love to have the control not to let it happen--but I don't always. There are no 2 people that will grieve the same and there is not any one person who has the answers on how we should grieve--that is a very individual situation. That is what I am working on and with the constant caring and encouragement from the group that regularly comes here--it will happen. Elston has read my posts from different parts of CD from before my husband ever got ALS and then I started first the caregiving thread and then I came here...we have been friends here on CD for I'd guess around 8 years and all he does is care! Who could ask for more? Neither you noameridreamNot's know any of the history so sometimes it's difficult to make a remark without the history! 8 years ago I moved 2,000 miles to this very rural area and do not have family or friends near to talk to---these are my friends! And I feel very blessed to have them!
Thanks for the explaination noamericandreamNot's--and yes our loved ones would not want us sad and in grief....it just takes time. Everyone is different.
I felt pretty good and things were moving along the first month---what I didn't realize and have had explained to me since by my therapist is the first 3 months we are often in a "fog" and when that fog lifts we start to see reality in a different way--not everyone but many!
Last edited by cynwldkat; 02-25-2015 at 06:40 AM..
We all will become dirt at some point in our lives. Life is just that, we do not live to grief and mourn too much that our soul no longer feel life. Let it be known that we control our lives, our actions, our words, our emotions, our moods, and it is in the act of our doing that will help answer many things. Loneliness will fade when our brains are busy concentrate on certain goals we want to accomplish. You already have many goals, go and achieve them.
The opening words describing the process of "becoming dirt" is what I took and take strong exception to. I cant imagine telling a recent bereaved widow or widower or parent that their beloved is becoming dirt. Why go there.....especially when you don't even have a "how do you do" acquaintance with the person and a relationship from which to speak so bluntly.
Our dear friend Cyn....has courageously embraced life for the last couple of years that her husband was dying and after his passing. She handled funeral arrangements, assumed the responsibility for family fiancés, supports her sister long distance (who is ill and cranky) She has reached out into the community; started attending church and reconnecting with her spiritual side; she cares for her house pets and a small colony of feral cats; she has made friends with her neighbors, she attends groups where she receives and gives support; she started this thread which has been of support to her...AND TO MANY OTHERS. She is also exploring returning to school to gain employable skills...Cyn is doing all the right stuff....and she has a professional therapist to advise her .... when she needs that type of guidance. On this thread we try to support and encourage ... not provide shock treatment to snap her out of it.
She is taking things "as she is able" and is accomplishing her goals.....as she is able. There is no time table for grief. It would be deleterious for her to deny her loss and her emotional reaction to it and try to put it all aside, and be superwoman.....she is doing very well and we love and support her for it. We all want to see her overcome and go forth.....and have confidence that she will.
Elston your words flow so eloquently and I read your words as though they were a poem. You amaze me and I thank the Universe for all of the blessings you give to Cyn and to the rest of us reading your words.
When people have not experienced deep loss, they can't identify with grief. Grief is not a emotion we create within ourselves, grief is the loss of the person, the love we feel so deeply for that person and our connection from heart to heart, from soul to soul. We never get over the grief, we just learn to manage it. Eventually through time grief doesn't have center stage.
Many people also suffer from PTSD being a caregiver and they do not realize they suffer from this. I learned this the other day and PTSD is manageable but like grief it takes time.
One of things I have found for myself if I tried to force myself to do things that I especially wanted to do but it felt like I was hitting a block wall, I was willing to retreat, it wasn't time. I remember asking my Doctor how long is this going to take for me to get over this grief and PTSD? I don't know how much more I can take. She smiled and hugged me and she told me she really could not answer that for me. I really was getting tired of feeling depressed, sad, no energy, feeling no emotion and empty and numb inside and it was hard for me to do any task, my energy would be depleted quickly. All in good time I was told. You can't force it to go away, as many times I tried. Through the process of living everyday life, you take baby steps to ebb into a new life that feels comfortable to you. Like emerging your body into cold water, you gradually emerge, toe by toe, foot by foot, lower legs. You let your body get use to the cold water and feel comfortable until you emerge into the cold water a little bit more. If you emerge your body too quickly you hyper ventilate and take that part of the body out of the cold water, you start again inching slowly. Creating a whole new life for yourself, a whole new identity, meanwhile still having financial responsibilities is a challenge. The biggest challenge was going from a married woman to being widowed. I remember filing out forms and if they did not have widow on them I would leave them blank. This was the first year. I just could not accept I was single. Single women are not invited often to married couples homes. Married women hang out with married women. Single women hang out with single women for the most part. Couples gather together and do things together. Although, I do things with married women, I am still not involved in all of the activities. I often feel like the odd woman out. Couples don't seek out singles, they seek out other couples to do things with.
The opening words describing the process of "becoming dirt" is what I took and take strong exception to. I cant imagine telling a recent bereaved widow or widower or parent that their beloved is becoming dirt. Why go there.....especially when you don't even have a "how do you do" acquaintance with the person and a relationship from which to speak so bluntly.
Our dear friend Cyn....has courageously embraced life for the last couple of years that her husband was dying and after his passing. She handled funeral arrangements, assumed the responsibility for family fiancés, supports her sister long distance (who is ill and cranky) She has reached out into the community; started attending church and reconnecting with her spiritual side; she cares for her house pets and a small colony of feral cats; she has made friends with her neighbors, she attends groups where she receives and gives support; she started this thread which has been of support to her...AND TO MANY OTHERS. She is also exploring returning to school to gain employable skills...Cyn is doing all the right stuff....and she has a professional therapist to advise her .... when she needs that type of guidance. On this thread we try to support and encourage ... not provide shock treatment to snap her out of it.
She is taking things "as she is able" and is accomplishing her goals.....as she is able. There is no time table for grief. It would be deleterious for her to deny her loss and her emotional reaction to it and try to put it all aside, and be superwoman.....she is doing very well and we love and support her for it. We all want to see her overcome and go forth.....and have confidence that she will.
no elston...I meant to say it in a positive way...don't perceive it as it is a direct saying she will become dirt. We all are at a certain point in our lives...will gradually return to earth. My words may not be poetic but I like to get straight to the point. After all it is a grieving and mourning forum so I can understand it is very sad and tragic but you do let this go. I have been through enough of these to relate to. If she herself sees my point is as positive, how is it to you seeing it as being negative?
Elston is not seeing it as negative--just the way it was said in the beginning was rough and he is my forever protector--boy am I one lucky person! He really has my best interest in his heart and I am blessed for that! We must all be patient...
For the "American Dream Not" poster I can see that what you said....is your truth.....and that your bluntness was probably not meant to be cruel.....I am sorry that I jumped all over you; but please don't assume that what works for you is the right and only way to deal with grief, and I won't make that assumption either.
I do know that cyn has needed the support of friends and I have established a long term friendship and from that basis offer support and at times counsel.
I wish you well, dealing with your own life issues.
Elston is not seeing it as negative--just the way it was said in the beginning was rough and he is my forever protector--boy am I one lucky person! He really has my best interest in his heart and I am blessed for that! We must all be patient...
He sure is your guardian angel. You are (we all are here in this blog) lucky to have him.
Cyn I often try to visualize the kind of place you live. I get mesmerized when yuo say huge yards, horses next door, dirt paths where a car might get stuck. It all sounds too amazing.
I am sorry about the horse though.
What a great article, Elston. It's expressed so well, and it's intuitive when you think about it- or when it's pointed out to you. Thanks for sharing this.
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comfort in.....dump out...circles of caring
