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I'm not sure where to put this topic, but if its in the wrong place I would appreciate a MOD moving it.
I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, so, I turn to my friends here on CD.
My MIL is dying---dh mother. She probably won't last the night. Its a combination of things, but essentially she's on "hospice" care. I do mourn her passing, but certainly not as much as my dh, and his family. I live in another city. A problem one is hesitant to discuss is the funeral, and costs. MIL has no life insurance, and no assets. Her son and his wife live with her, they don't have any assets, either. I'm sure her passing will occur in 24--48 hours, per her doctor.
We feel we should contribute towards the funeral, but we're short on money, too. We are in the frustrating position of paying down our cc debts, contributing to our dd college, etc, etc, so we don't really have much to contribute. Actually, in this situation, we would not contribute, we would foot the whole bill. I just am nervous as to what it could turn into. They own the grave plot which is next to her husband, also, the marker has a place where her name can be inscribed, so at least they have those assets. We've all agreed cremation would be the best route. I understand one should scope out funeral homes before the death A cremation would be cheaper and acceptable to us all, including MIL, who expressed her desire to be cremated awhile back.
Her husbands grave is a VA marker. I understand they can add her name to the marker, or remove and make a whole new marker that covers both graces. Any idea how costly/efficient this is? I just suppose her ashes could be immunered alongside her husband, but I would have to see the rules.
I've seen some with a basic cremanation $675, but that doesn't include the urn, opening and sealing of the urn, name plate, flower holder, etc So, the "simply cremation could end up costing about double the $675 Then, funeral service at church, the transporation to funeral home, the transportation to cemetery also cost, Things as simple as folding chairs, tents, for family and visitor can add up. At one funeral they were handing out bottles of water-----with the funeral home logo! I'm sure they were charged for that.
For my parents and grandfather, we did the whole funeral procedure, including the viewing for 3x, processional to cemetery, service at the church and another service graveside. Then followed with a reception at a nearby restaurant. They were expensive, but we had plenty of life insurance to not have to worry. I believe both funerals came to about $10000 each and that was back in the 1980s'
It appears we will such up the majority of the cost. After you can't tell a man who's worked hard al his life to cut corners and bury his mother in a coffee can
Its just that MIL has been rude to us over the years, never endearing herself to any of us, If it were my choice I'd sell her to the glue factory, but, I understand that's frowned on
I found a list of low-cost homes in their area, but none are next to her husband, which she desired. To get into the cemetery her dh is in would be about $2000 more when you figure everything in.
My dh and I feel we could contribute $2000 maximum. I know that doesn't buy much, even though she already has the plot and headstone. I really hope others contribute something,
even a few hundred for flowers. There will be 4-6 people total
For a reception, we might just all go out to eat Probably more cost-effective that way.
I understand his family is grieving and money is not the first thing on their minds, but I'm afraid they would go overboard with extras, especially if its not their money.
MIL survived the night, although still in grave condition.
Reading over my post I know I sounded cold, but I'm just being practical. I don't know how to interject myself at this point as the financial decision maker without sounding uncaring. Its usually best to leave such arrangements to a person who is somewhat detached, so emotions don't rule. Like I said, we all have limited means,
I did find some websites on low-cost funerals. I hesitate to forward them to the daughter, who is making the arrangements, as it would appear callous. However, the harsh reality is that funerals cost money. If we are paying the majority of the costs, we should be included in the decisions. I don't want to be handed a bill for $10K---$15K later, and told, well YOU said you would pick up the costs.
OTH, perhaps best NOT to be involved in any arrangements? If WE sign for anything, WE are responsible. If they decide to pick the most expensive route, and sign for it, well, that's not our financial responsibility. Perhaps best to just hover in the background, let the pieces fall as they may....seems no matter what I do it will be taken in a negative light. I'm either inteferring, or being a "cheapskate". The way I see it, MIL played favorites with the rest of the family over the years and did nothing to have any positive relationship with us. She could have taken out a final expense policy, but opted not to. If one does nothing to provide for their final expenses, then, others can't be expected to financially burden themselves. My DH and I have bought niches and have final expense policies so our kids won't face the same dilemma.
I rather like the "glue factory" alternative and admire your honesty and sense of humor.
I don't know how you keep the costs down....but the family needs to know your financial limits......and your husband needs to avoid taking on responsibility.....perhaps someone else can negotiate with the funeral home...otherwise he is probably going to become responsible. The $2000 should be more than enough for the cremation and the simplest most basic of containers for the cremains. My mother and father each were returned in a black metal box about the size of a shoe box...I think that container was less than $100.00. The funeral director was very helpful and didn't try to push the cost up.
The $675 sounds about right for the cremation. The ashes are returned to the family in a heavy cardboard box. You can buy urns on the internet, even at Costco.com, very reasonably.
If the family is that small, why even have a viewing? We didn't have one for my father. He was cremated immediately after death, and a couple of months later my mother arranged a memorial mass, followed by a dinner at a local restaurant.
His ashes sit on my mother's bookcase in a beautiful rosewood box that coast about $250.00 (but that was the high range for what we found online). Her empty urn sits next to his. When she dies, we will intermingle the ashes and have them buried in the plot they own.
I wouldn't let the penniless in-laws bully you into spending money you don't have.
I feel like her children should discuss the funeral or cremation matters. Right then, your spouse should tell the others your limit on each. That way, they have to figure out their share of the cost. Usually two children will go make the arrangements, ask spouse not to be one of them. Emotions run high when a parent dies, and however the lady acted; she still was spouse's mother. It's not fair, but sometimes, no matter they say one of the children will never pay - they are the poorest.
I was in a similar position with a former employee and neighbourhood friend who died penniless, and whose older parents were burdened with debt from her illness. So, I don't think you are being callous. You are right not to spend money you don't have, or let someone assume that you will be giving some large amount into the kitty.
I really don't see any other way than your husband biting the bullet, and telling the sister in charge what he can afford to give before she begins to make arrangements quickly when the time comes.
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,829,999 times
Reputation: 10348
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
MIL survived the night, although still in grave condition.
Reading over my post I know I sounded cold, but I'm just being practical. I don't know how to interject myself at this point as the financial decision maker without sounding uncaring. Its usually best to leave such arrangements to a person who is somewhat detached, so emotions don't rule. Like I said, we all have limited means,
I did find some websites on low-cost funerals. I hesitate to forward them to the daughter, who is making the arrangements, as it would appear callous. However, the harsh reality is that funerals cost money. If we are paying the majority of the costs, we should be included in the decisions. I don't want to be handed a bill for $10K---$15K later, and told, well YOU said you would pick up the costs.
OTH, perhaps best NOT to be involved in any arrangements? If WE sign for anything, WE are responsible. If they decide to pick the most expensive route, and sign for it, well, that's not our financial responsibility. Perhaps best to just hover in the background, let the pieces fall as they may....seems no matter what I do it will be taken in a negative light. I'm either inteferring, or being a "cheapskate". The way I see it, MIL played favorites with the rest of the family over the years and did nothing to have any positive relationship with us. She could have taken out a final expense policy, but opted not to. If one does nothing to provide for their final expenses, then, others can't be expected to financially burden themselves. My DH and I have bought niches and have final expense policies so our kids won't face the same dilemma.
She could have taken it out and she should have in my opinion... My husband and I both have direct cremation in our wills..no caskets no embalming no nothing....so there is no expenses that anyone has to pay for.......we will cover it.. I don't want to spend money on that.. To me it is a waste.... I will be dead but dont want money used for unnecessary things... They nickle and dime you...my mom died suddenly and she had a small life ins policy.... Of course you're shell shocked talking to the funeral home.. They try to talk you into everything... My mom passed on a Monday..by Thursday her ashes still weren't ready so we had to RENT AN URN for $400...to have on the table.....she wasn't in it and we had the lady put a towel on the inside in case some idiot opened it up since they just loan them out....thought that was a rip to have an empty urn sitting on a table for $400. Then her priest was unavailable so they called another priest...for $200../who said stuff about her and he didn't even know her...talked to us about her for 15 minutes truing to figure out what to say....my brother in law tipped him too...
...
Hope it works out when the time comes.... Good luck.. Keep us posted..
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,829,999 times
Reputation: 10348
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
The $675 sounds about right for the cremation. The ashes are returned to the family in a heavy cardboard box. You can buy urns on the internet, even at Costco.com, very reasonably.
If the family is that small, why even have a viewing? We didn't have one for my father. He was cremated immediately after death, and a couple of months later my mother arranged a memorial mass, followed by a dinner at a local restaurant.
His ashes sit on my mother's bookcase in a beautiful rosewood box that coast about $250.00 (but that was the high range for what we found online). Her empty urn sits next to his. When she dies, we will intermingle the ashes and have them buried in the plot they own.
I wouldn't let the penniless in-laws bully you into spending money you don't have.
I agree totally.....there is so much you don't need...I went to my coworker's husbands church service and he had a military salute outside at the end...It was like 1030am and all I heard was... WHERE'S THE LUNCH? My friend told me they were having a family private lunch...no trough for 100 people..no announcement after church so get in your car and go home....It's not a given....
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