Not going to a funeral of a person you were very close to??
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Your grandmother is (probably) the only one who won't care if you attend.
I've been to dozens of funerals and been a pall bearer almost 20 times. I believe there's two good reasons to attend: to honour the deceased and help ease the sorrow of those who grieve.
Put me in the go-alone camp. Your wife can can mind the pooches.
My grandmother passed away yesterday. We were extremely close. I was the first grandchild in the family and she always spoiled me. She babysat me while me parents both worked, and even after I was in my teens we went out together once a week for dinner or just to have dinner at her house and talk for hours.
I moved very far away from home about 5 years ago, and over the last few years only have been able to make it home a few times. We always spent a ton of time together when I was able to visit back. Fortunately, I was able to get back home just 2 months ago and spent the majority of my short 5 day visit at her house spending the entire day with her. Of course I wish I had talked on the phone more frequently with her, but I felt good and at peace that I got to see her 2 months ago while she was still healthy.
But now she has passed, and of course my family is NOW crawling out of the holes in the wall to give their condolences. The talk about the funeral is going around, and of course EVERYONE is DEMANDING that I MUST BE THERE.
I really do not think I want to go, and further, I do not think I would regret not going. It is very tough because I live 900 miles away. Last time I went I drove and it was an agonizing 15 hour road trip (NONSTOP!!!) each way. Flying is an option of course, but it's very expensive for us right now. My wife and I also have 3 pets that we would either need to board (huge expense) or attempt to bring with us (which limits us to driving an makes the trip all the harder). We also work jobs where it would be inconvenient to take off, and we wouldn't get the time paid, another expense.
But more importantly than that, what me and my grandmother had was very special and no one can take that away just because I didn't show up to a funeral. I don't think it's right to judge someone's relationship or affection for someone just based on if they show up to the funeral or not. I know way too many people (and I'm sure you know them too) that just show up at the funeral to act like they care when they never showed even an ounce of care for the person while they were alive. All this talk from my family about saying last goodbye's and making peace in my heart. I feel like I already did that and I feel at peace with her passing. She was a role model and inspiration to me, and I still strive to make her proud. No point in saying goodbye to corpse, but she will always be close to my heart.
Long story short. My grandmother who was VERY special to me passed away. I do not want to go to the funeral, but my traditional and close-minded family is making me feel VERY TERRIBLE about my decision to possibly not attend the funeral. Lots of talk about how if I don't show up it is a huge disrespect to my grandmother and my family will think very poorly of me for life...
My question. Is it REALLY wrong to miss the funeral of someone close to you? I don't think so, neither does my wife, but my family is putting the guilt and hurt on me badly. I'm very confused, and I'm wondering what other people think. Thanks.
Which parent of yours lost their mother and how do you feel about supporting that parent? If you're not close to that parent and/or that parent is no longer living, then don't go.
If you are close to that parent, you really should go.
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My grandmother passed away yesterday. We were extremely close. I was the first grandchild in the family and she always spoiled me. She babysat me while me parents both worked, and even after I was in my teens we went out together once a week for dinner or just to have dinner at her house and talk for hours.
I moved very far away from home about 5 years ago, and over the last few years only have been able to make it home a few times. We always spent a ton of time together when I was able to visit back. Fortunately, I was able to get back home just 2 months ago and spent the majority of my short 5 day visit at her house spending the entire day with her. Of course I wish I had talked on the phone more frequently with her, but I felt good and at peace that I got to see her 2 months ago while she was still healthy.
But now she has passed, and of course my family is NOW crawling out of the holes in the wall to give their condolences. The talk about the funeral is going around, and of course EVERYONE is DEMANDING that I MUST BE THERE.
I really do not think I want to go, and further, I do not think I would regret not going. It is very tough because I live 900 miles away. Last time I went I drove and it was an agonizing 15 hour road trip (NONSTOP!!!) each way. Flying is an option of course, but it's very expensive for us right now. My wife and I also have 3 pets that we would either need to board (huge expense) or attempt to bring with us (which limits us to driving an makes the trip all the harder). We also work jobs where it would be inconvenient to take off, and we wouldn't get the time paid, another expense.
But more importantly than that, what me and my grandmother had was very special and no one can take that away just because I didn't show up to a funeral. I don't think it's right to judge someone's relationship or affection for someone just based on if they show up to the funeral or not. I know way too many people (and I'm sure you know them too) that just show up at the funeral to act like they care when they never showed even an ounce of care for the person while they were alive. All this talk from my family about saying last goodbye's and making peace in my heart. I feel like I already did that and I feel at peace with her passing. She was a role model and inspiration to me, and I still strive to make her proud. No point in saying goodbye to corpse, but she will always be close to my heart.
Long story short. My grandmother who was VERY special to me passed away. I do not want to go to the funeral, but my traditional and close-minded family is making me feel VERY TERRIBLE about my decision to possibly not attend the funeral. Lots of talk about how if I don't show up it is a huge disrespect to my grandmother and my family will think very poorly of me for life...
My question. Is it REALLY wrong to miss the funeral of someone close to you? I don't think so, neither does my wife, but my family is putting the guilt and hurt on me badly. I'm very confused, and I'm wondering what other people think. Thanks.
Well, as I am continually told on this forum, you shouldn't care what other people think.
I would guess it is more your conscience you are arguing with. Nobody can make you feel terrible, unless you allow it.
Enough with the cliche.
If you don't feel the need, don't go. It is not your job to please others, but only to please God. And the bible says nothing about having to go to a funeral. You can show your respect however you choose, and honoring them does not have to be in public view. It is between you and God and nobody else. That said, be prepared to be strong on the inside for others will judge, as they always do. But, God is your shield, use the bible scripture to lean on.
I didn't go to my nieces funeral last month. No regrets. Anyone who juges me is not who I want in my life anyway.
I think you should go, alone if necessary. It shouldn't be the expectation of your family, but since it is, I would attend for their sake. Save half the airfare, and the issue of the pets by leaving your wife home.
Why?????? What does he owe them? They should respect his choice. We are not here to please others.
I was at my grandmother's funeral when I was 12 years old. Grandma had lived next door and no one ever visited her but all of these people show up at the funeral, checking her out and basically having a good ole' time chatting up, checking to see who sent flowers, etc. From that experience, I never attended another funeral and won't. I would certainly not have had to be there because I was closer to my grandmother and so very happy that I got to spend a lot of time with her when she could appreciate it.
Funerals have become social events for those left behind and so many people who never really cared about the deceased show up and frankly, they stand around and joke and get loud and to me, it was really hard to take. It was not about honoring the life of my grandmother.
Follow your heart. You are so lucky to have been close to your grandmother and because of the memories that you made with her, she will always be with you.
I have missed a lot of funerals but not spending time with those people when it really counted for something. No regrets.
I just thought of one call I got, we lived 1400 miles away and frankly, would not have had the money to travel when my husband's stepmother passed to the other side. Her daughter called to let us know she passed and said "Mom just asked that you think of her on that day." I was lucky to have had a long telephone conversation with her a couple of days before that and I now realized that with the progression of her illness, she knew it would be our last. I think of her often, not just on that day.
While I hope that I wouldn't judge others for deciding not to attend the funeral of someone they were close to, I don't think I could do that, except under extreme circumstances, such as if I was overcome with grief or if financial barriers prevented me from attending. This is especially true if I know that the deceased person would have liked me to attend the funeral. Apart from this, I look forward to the opportunity to support the family (I know I'd like the support if I was responsible for burying a relative, etc.) and reconnect with others in attendance. The service and events surrounding the service as as much for the deceased as they are for the living.
Obviously you have doubt on your decision or you would be posting wanting support from strangers. Here is no changing the decision later ;so make sure; before not doing what you only have one chance of doing.
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