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I have a Father who is dying. He is dying very badly [in pain and indignity I.E losing continence and not able to walk or do for himself] I had to put him in a facility because although he thought he could take care of himself he could not. I will give you bit of back ground to give you an idea of what I am dealing with. Me and my brothers grew up with our father who was very abusive. Some physically but a lot mentally. We never had a father who took us camping, to the park, or even fishing. He was not an abuser of alcohol or drugs but he worked as his drug of choice. He would get up at about 6am, get a cup of coffee and go work around the house or his work shop, then go to work. He then came home and worked till dinner and would eat dinner while watching the news then go work in his shop or office till Johny Carson came on, watch Carson go to bed then get up and do it again day after day year after year.
He would actively try to stop my mother and brothers and me from doing anything not in his control. We were stupid lazy and dumb if we did not do exactly as he directed and then it was never right. My mother passed in 2000 and the only thing I remember him saying is that he saved a lot of money since she died. He has grand kids now and has not seen his twin grand daughters for over 5 years. He had some woman move in with him and her 20 year old kid and they went to Porto Rico, something he would never have done with my mother. He never talked about his grand kids, or kids but would talk about the woman and her kid. He had ran after several women all about his oldest sons age and a bit over half his age. He ran a plumbing business and his one son that did all the work and basically ran it was ran off because he would not let him do his work without micro managing every detail. After his son left the business went from doing Subway and other good sized projects to my father installing water heaters around the lake we lived near. He also took a family property that was my mothers inheritance and he forged the deed to get it out of her name and rented it with not the first asking of his sons what they thought. He also sold all his wifes fathers posestions [our grandfather and ancestors] to without even asking if there was anything we wanted to buy a lawn tractor.
This is a small sample of our father and how he treated his kids. This said, I visit him every day, have taken him to every Dr appointment and sat with him most every day, brought him his hoard of candy and food he wants. It is like someone saying your father is dead and come view the body every day.[he was 275 pounds and now is lucky if he is 100.] As he lays dying I am very conflicted, if I look at him as my father I feel grief. If I look at him and remember how he treated us growing up and after we grew up my feelings are very tempered. Its very hard to get past this because of the fact he is not passed away yet but lays dying and the fact that I can not grieve properly IMO because of my feelings. Was wondering if anyone ever had dealt with this situation before?
I'm pretty sure this is quite common. Do what you think you should do for him, not for his sake but for yours so that you have no regrets after he is gone. It's okay to be ambivalent about someone that disregarded you, your siblings and your needs in service to his own for all these years. I wish you peace.
I think you're very admirable person for doing what you're doing considering the background you came from. I can't relate as I had wonderful parents who I lost fairly recently.
You know there are some adult children who do nothing when they have amazing parents, so for you to do what you do speaks volumes about your character.
But don't feel any guilt, you're doing more than many would with a father like that.
And when he does pass you know will know you were a better son than he was a father, and I hope you find some comfort in that.
I have a Father who is dying. He is dying very badly [in pain and indignity I.E losing continence and not able to walk or do for himself] I had to put him in a facility because although he thought he could take care of himself he could not. I will give you bit of back ground to give you an idea of what I am dealing with. Me and my brothers grew up with our father who was very abusive. Some physically but a lot mentally. We never had a father who took us camping, to the park, or even fishing. He was not an abuser of alcohol or drugs but he worked as his drug of choice. He would get up at about 6am, get a cup of coffee and go work around the house or his work shop, then go to work. He then came home and worked till dinner and would eat dinner while watching the news then go work in his shop or office till Johny Carson came on, watch Carson go to bed then get up and do it again day after day year after year.
He would actively try to stop my mother and brothers and me from doing anything not in his control. We were stupid lazy and dumb if we did not do exactly as he directed and then it was never right. My mother passed in 2000 and the only thing I remember him saying is that he saved a lot of money since she died. He has grand kids now and has not seen his twin grand daughters for over 5 years. He had some woman move in with him and her 20 year old kid and they went to Porto Rico, something he would never have done with my mother. He never talked about his grand kids, or kids but would talk about the woman and her kid. He had ran after several women all about his oldest sons age and a bit over half his age. He ran a plumbing business and his one son that did all the work and basically ran it was ran off because he would not let him do his work without micro managing every detail. After his son left the business went from doing Subway and other good sized projects to my father installing water heaters around the lake we lived near. He also took a family property that was my mothers inheritance and he forged the deed to get it out of her name and rented it with not the first asking of his sons what they thought. He also sold all his wifes fathers posestions [our grandfather and ancestors] to without even asking if there was anything we wanted to buy a lawn tractor.
This is a small sample of our father and how he treated his kids. This said, I visit him every day, have taken him to every Dr appointment and sat with him most every day, brought him his hoard of candy and food he wants. It is like someone saying your father is dead and come view the body every day.[he was 275 pounds and now is lucky if he is 100.] As he lays dying I am very conflicted, if I look at him as my father I feel grief. If I look at him and remember how he treated us growing up and after we grew up my feelings are very tempered. Its very hard to get past this because of the fact he is not passed away yet but lays dying and the fact that I can not grieve properly IMO because of my feelings. Was wondering if anyone ever had dealt with this situation before?
Yes. You simply do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Your father will have to deal with his consequences soon enough. You can only control yourself. As for not grieving. When my father died it was one of the best days of my life. Still feel the same way, and I am glad that I did what I needed to do with regard to taking care of him, even though he was abusive until the very end. AMF.
OP, you are up holding a very sacred Commandment, "Honor thy mother and father". Good for you even though he was not a good father. I am sure you will be blessed for this when you pass over too.
I can't relate to your situation as I was blessed with good parents.
I will say that I admire you for taking care of a man that was blessed with the title of Dad, yet didn't deserve the title.
I'm sorry that he was not the father and husband that he should have been. You will carry those scars the rest of your life, yet you're willing to set them aside during this time that you're caring for him.
You're showing him in his last days that you're a much better man than he ever was. I applaud you for your kindness and loyalty to him, although many people wouldn't do what you're doing.
You know in your heart you're being a good son to him. Having a good heart, even though it's been abused, is what will help you sleep at night by knowing you did what you feel is right.
I believe we all reap what we sow and the good hearted, honest people will be rewarded in the end.
It takes a special person to be able to do as you're doing. Know that you're a much better person and it's not because of anything he ever did for you. You have every right to feel conflicted, but you'll be happy with your decision in the end.
I have a Father who is dying. He is dying very badly [in pain and indignity I.E losing continence and not able to walk or do for himself] I had to put him in a facility because although he thought he could take care of himself he could not. I will give you bit of back ground to give you an idea of what I am dealing with. Me and my brothers grew up with our father who was very abusive. Some physically but a lot mentally. We never had a father who took us camping, to the park, or even fishing. He was not an abuser of alcohol or drugs but he worked as his drug of choice. He would get up at about 6am, get a cup of coffee and go work around the house or his work shop, then go to work. He then came home and worked till dinner and would eat dinner while watching the news then go work in his shop or office till Johny Carson came on, watch Carson go to bed then get up and do it again day after day year after year.
He would actively try to stop my mother and brothers and me from doing anything not in his control. We were stupid lazy and dumb if we did not do exactly as he directed and then it was never right. My mother passed in 2000 and the only thing I remember him saying is that he saved a lot of money since she died. He has grand kids now and has not seen his twin grand daughters for over 5 years. He had some woman move in with him and her 20 year old kid and they went to Porto Rico, something he would never have done with my mother. He never talked about his grand kids, or kids but would talk about the woman and her kid. He had ran after several women all about his oldest sons age and a bit over half his age. He ran a plumbing business and his one son that did all the work and basically ran it was ran off because he would not let him do his work without micro managing every detail. After his son left the business went from doing Subway and other good sized projects to my father installing water heaters around the lake we lived near. He also took a family property that was my mothers inheritance and he forged the deed to get it out of her name and rented it with not the first asking of his sons what they thought. He also sold all his wifes fathers posestions [our grandfather and ancestors] to without even asking if there was anything we wanted to buy a lawn tractor.
This is a small sample of our father and how he treated his kids. This said, I visit him every day, have taken him to every Dr appointment and sat with him most every day, brought him his hoard of candy and food he wants. It is like someone saying your father is dead and come view the body every day.[he was 275 pounds and now is lucky if he is 100.] As he lays dying I am very conflicted, if I look at him as my father I feel grief. If I look at him and remember how he treated us growing up and after we grew up my feelings are very tempered. Its very hard to get past this because of the fact he is not passed away yet but lays dying and the fact that I can not grieve properly IMO because of my feelings. Was wondering if anyone ever had dealt with this situation before?
Nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. Does this man know he was an ogre? I would be tempted to just spill out my thoughts to him while he was withering g in bed. But that is just me. Sorry you are goi g through this.
They say you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but at my stepfather's funeral some unpleasant truths were revealed. I did not know this but he had run off and abandoned his previous wife and kids. (I was an adult by the time he started shacking up with my mother.)
I'm still not sure who wrote that eulogy. But his first family was at the funeral.
What I'm trying to say is that at the funeral, if there is a funeral, you may want to mention his distance from his family...especially if most people there already know. Perhaps you would want to discuss it with your siblings first, but my own opinion is there is no reason to treat the deceased as if he were Father of the Year or Ward Cleaver when he left so much damage behind.
Maybe thinking about this will help you get through what you're doing now.
They say you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but at my stepfather's funeral some unpleasant truths were revealed. I did not know this but he had run off and abandoned his previous wife and kids. (I was an adult by the time he started shacking up with my mother.)
I'm still not sure who wrote that eulogy. But his first family was at the funeral.
What I'm trying to say is that at the funeral, if there is a funeral, you may want to mention his distance from his family...especially if most people there already know. Perhaps you would want to discuss it with your siblings first, but my own opinion is there is no reason to treat the deceased as if he were Father of the Year or Ward Cleaver when he left so much damage behind.
Maybe thinking about this will help you get through what you're doing now.
Wow, that must have been one heck of a funeral! Truth! Never heard of such a thing at a funeral.
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