Strength and Loss

[SunGrins]

I've been in a reflective mood these past few weeks, My wife passed ten years ago this week and there is still a big dark hole that I peer into once in a while. Ten years is a long time and I won't say I'm grieving but I still feel a profound loss. Everything is measured before and after July 30, 2007...like a new calendar came into place. So, in a way I measure myself against that former being...what and who I was compared to what and who I am now.

I have a friend who, at about the same age, lost her husband to cancer about a week before my wife passed. We live on different sides of the globe and under very different circumstances and we sometimes compare notes about how we are doing because we have this connection in circumstances (plus a couple more).

It's hard to fathom but I think we both are stronger people in several ways now having gone through this. We both had children that we had to comfort and bring through the pain...while it was personal it wasn't just our own pain we had to deal with. We managed to keep things from spiraling out of control and the kids are bright, healthy and productive adults. We both found challenging and satisfying lives in our new existence in ways we didn't foresee in the darkness of our grief.

I often hear the phrase that someone is a "survivor" as a label that they have landed on their feet after some adversity. There is a whole different dimension to the term for spouses who are "survivors" and it comes from a deep pool of inner strength that we don't know we have until we have to drink from it.

[Curmudgeon]

I think our point about a "new calendar" is well taken. There are so many special and noteworthy days I will never again celebrate because I no longer have my beloved wife to share them with. While they will always invoke good, lasting and loving memories they just won't ever be the same again - her birthday, our anniversary, Mother's Day (she passed on the day after), major holidays we always tried to make special for one another, Father's Day during which she always celebrated me, and more. Children and grandchildren can't dispel the senses of loss.

The yearly calendar will never be the same again. The new calendar is decidedly not one of my choosing but rather, one that has been forced upon me. Just a bit over two months since I lost my wife I find the pool to be brackish.

[shades_of_idaho]

Since we never celebrated anything maybe with my New Calendar I will start celebrating. I am sure Joe would LOVE a T-Bone steak and I will gladly eat it for him. Not to make light of this at all this silly thought just popped into my head because Joe and I both had a kind of sick sense of humor. If he could hear/see me write this he would be laughing over it.

And so right on the new calendar. Same thing happened when he had the big flood. Everything from then on was before Flood or after flood. Approaching one year for the loss of my Joe. I think my inner strength was stronger when I was caretaking him. I kind of crashed a bit after he was gone. But I kept going because I had to do so. LOL Still trying to find some of the things I put in a safe place during that crashed time. EEEKKKK

And approaching 47 years of the loss of my first husband. I never forgot him and even just a few years ago and I am sure it was before Joe was diagnosed I came across the things I had saved from Robert and just crumpled to the floor in tears. Tears for what could have been and never was. We never had time. He was 25 I was 21. The heart ache never ends even with a new wonderful relationship. Your heart never forgets.

Just adding. It is funny though how I did have a relationship for 13 years after Robert before Joe and my heart felt nothing when that was over. More like do not let the door hit you in the behind.By...........