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Old 01-16-2018, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,488 posts, read 1,789,032 times
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I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. My sincere condolences
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Old 01-16-2018, 12:35 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18811
My condolences as well.
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Old 01-16-2018, 03:54 PM
 
15,187 posts, read 16,035,343 times
Reputation: 25076
I'm so sorry about your heartbreaking loss.
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Old 01-16-2018, 04:01 PM
 
2,508 posts, read 1,283,094 times
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I am so sorry. What a devastating experience to go through. Hugs to you.
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Old 01-16-2018, 04:59 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27653
Quote:
Originally Posted by zalewskimm View Post
Sorry to hear this. But getting a flu shot is not the answer.
I would like to clarify some things I see here; not as a moderator but as a fellow poster. Those of us who have had someone close to us die will review the death - often repeatedly - and ask "what if..." It is part of our grieving, part of our asking what our responsibility has been, related to that death. We also may take up a cause or crusade in the hopes of preventing other deaths or helping others.

zalewskimm is correct in that a flu shot is not going to help the deceased, nor will it mitigate the grieving. Saying that a flu shot is not the answer might seem at first glance to be argumentative or unsupportive, but there is no slight of Charolastra in the statement.

What I do see is an unfinished or shorthand observation to flesh out her admonition. (I've been guilty of those many times in the past in a quest to be less wordy.) The medical community is in general agreement that a flu shot is only about 10% effective, and it recommends it as a proactive measure that is PART of a group of behaviors that can reduce risk. If you also avoid large gatherings, wash or sanitize your hands, and are aware of your surroundings you may have an aggregate of behaviors that are far more effective than the 10% effectiveness of a jab. I've studied some of the past epidemics that occurred prior to vaccinations, and relying only upon a measure with 10% effectiveness would have resulted in a 90% death rate in some of those.

A reality in influenza epidemics is that death will occur in a percentage of the cases. To think that a flu jab gives all the required protection against the flu and then go on about business as normal is magical thinking. I see both Charolastra and zalewskimm as caring posters who want to prevent suffering, but may not have been complete in what they said.

Since this is "grief and mourning" further discussion of the flu and proactive measures will be moved to an appropriate forum, such as "health and wellness". Responses on how to deal with the aftermath of a flu death and how to support the survivors and friends are appropriate here.
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Old 01-16-2018, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Dallas
787 posts, read 1,784,234 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
A good friend died. We don't know when - her downstairs neighbors hadn't heard her walking around in at least 3 days and there were packages stacked up in front of her door. I was there when the police found her body. I haven't cried (and I cry at the drop of a hat) and I don't know how to process it.

Her sister found me on a social networking site this morning asking if I had heard from my friend. It turns out no one in the family had heard from her in almost a week which is incredibly unusual for her. She and I work together and I knew she was out sick with the flu, but neither of us are big fans of texting so after some messaging back and forth during a snowstorm we didn't talk which was not out of the norm for us.

I immediately went over to her apartment and knew something was wrong. Her car was still parked in her spot with clear signs that it hadn't been moved after the last snowfall. After getting into the building and banging on the door, I called the police who arrived in under 2 minutes at which point I was in near full blown panic attack shut-down. It took her landlord 20 minutes to get there to let the police into her apartment. She was just 38 years old.

You always hear about people being found dead in their beds, but you don't think about it with a healthy 30-something. Her worst fear was dying alone and that is exactly what happened. It breaks my heart.

Get your flu shots and please go to the doctor sooner rather than later.
My best friend died (unexpectedly and shockingly) in a late night car crash about 15 years ago. I got the news the following morning.

I also did not cry initially. It was a lot to process. After a few weeks though, I really felt it. So I just want to warn you, it will be very tough for you over the coming months, and possibly even years. I think it took over a year before I began to kind of "get over it", though it stayed with me much longer. I still think about that friend sometimes and get sad, so it never really leaves. Good luck to you. Hang in there. It will get better eventually.
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:33 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,744,602 times
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Yikes a moly, OP!
Talk about a real life nightmare!
Terrible thing to go through for you, the family, and the deceased.
Good cautionary tale!
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Old 01-18-2018, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,991,510 times
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It's been 4 days and I still haven't cried. I know it's normal, but I'm beginning to feel a little like a sociopath.

Because we worked at the same university and we were frequently seen together at lunch or events, or served on committees together, people keep sending me emails, calling my office, or stopping by my cube. I just want to scream, "I didn't just lose my friend, I was there!" but I know that's inappropriate. It also feels selfish to feel that way - it's centering myself in her tragedy. I know it's something incredibly traumatic that happened to me, too, but I'm wracked with such guilt for feeling it.
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Old 01-18-2018, 12:55 PM
 
1,437 posts, read 509,451 times
Reputation: 4749
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
It's been 4 days and I still haven't cried. I know it's normal, but I'm beginning to feel a little like a sociopath.

Because we worked at the same university and we were frequently seen together at lunch or events, or served on committees together, people keep sending me emails, calling my office, or stopping by my cube. I just want to scream, "I didn't just lose my friend, I was there!" but I know that's inappropriate. It also feels selfish to feel that way - it's centering myself in her tragedy. I know it's something incredibly traumatic that happened to me, too, but I'm wracked with such guilt for feeling it.
Please do not worry about not crying, even if you are a person who cries easily. Maybe you will cry or maybe you wonít, but crying doesnít mean that you feel things more and not crying doesnít mean that you feel things less.

I never cry. The last time I cried was in April of 1971. I didnít cry when my mother, father, or my sister diedóbut I love them very much and miss them every day even though they have been gone for years.

Donít feel guilty about feeling traumatized for having been there. You are right: you not only lost a friend and co-worker, which was bad enough, but actually seeing it was a terrible way to have to learn of her death as it was sudden and unexpected. You had no preparation.

You are not a sociopath. You are going through a terrible time. Please be kind to yourself.
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Old 01-18-2018, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,991,510 times
Reputation: 18034
I know intellectually that it's normal. Last night, I even tried to make myself cry. I watched Steel Magnolias and not a tear. And I'm someone who tears up even *thinking* about the crashdown scene in Apollo 13 and have been caught at my desk crying at work while taking a break to watch a video of baby elephant. The opening bars of the Navy Hymn make me sob. I feel so eerily calm and collected. It's almost an out of body experience, like it happened to someone else. Or like I took Xanax and know I have emotions but am not really feeling them.
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