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Old 10-06-2018, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
15,489 posts, read 9,599,022 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeko156 View Post
It has been 3.5 years since losing my mother to horrific effects of stroke brain damage (she became paralyzed, couldn't speak or eat). I have done everything I am supposed to do. I went to grief groups, sought therapy, tried anti-depressants.

Has anyone else had the pain linger for this long? Did you get "better" as time went on?

There is no timetable that says you must be over things like this in a year, or two, or 20. Every person is different. Some of us just take a little longer to start feeling better.

I would suggest calling your local mental health dept and looking for support groups. I know that seems foreign to some people , but talking DOES HELP. When you get in with others, who have gone through similar situations, it really can open you up and begin the healing process.


Please take that step, and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother, and for your pain. Keep us posted on how it is going, we do care.
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Old 10-06-2018, 07:00 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, N.M.
161 posts, read 81,589 times
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My mom died a rough death, also. It was about 3 years before the world seemed right to me. That was soon followed by a horrific divorce, and now 18 years later I am still haunted by the collapse of that marriage and all of the things in my life that went with it. Most people would have bounced back long ago, but we are all different. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it might heal yours. Best of luck to you.
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Old 10-06-2018, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,819 posts, read 51,203,680 times
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The experiences people have shared here are the type of postings that make me immensely proud of this group and the compassion within the people who make it up.

With grief, the goal is not to have that grief completely go away and disappear. What IS important is to address the pain and the sources of that pain and integrate them and place them within a perspective of greater understanding, allowing kindness to yourself.

With loved ones who have died, the initial response is to focus upon the death and the loss, and try to figure out ways that it might not have happened. As time goes on, the process continues and we recognize that the fullness of the person is NOT within the brief time around their death, but in their life and everything that occurred within it.

You and other posters have mentioned anti-depressants. I urge restraint and caution there, as not confronting issues and delaying processes for extended periods only lengthens the time needed to reach resolution.

When what you are doing is not working, and the people you are consulting with are not helping you make progress, change is needed.
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Old 10-06-2018, 09:34 PM
ERH
 
Location: Cary, NC
1,024 posts, read 1,485,072 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
You and other posters have mentioned anti-depressants. I urge restraint and caution there, as not confronting issues and delaying processes for extended periods only lengthens the time needed to reach resolution.

When what you are doing is not working, and the people you are consulting with are not helping you make progress, change is needed.
I completely agree. You can check my other posts for info regarding my own journey with MDD and GAD, but I will tell you one thing for sure -- there is no magic pill that will set your life whole and right. This bears repeating: there is no magic pill.

For me, the AD provides me with the mindset needed to both desire and actively seek out self-awareness, change, and improvement. Without it, I have no desire or inclination whatsoever to get better, or to even get out of bed, for that matter. Your experience may be different. My "aha moment" was deep into my second year of talk therapy when I finally, FINALLY recognized that I was waiting around for the pill to make me better, when in fact, it was I who had really difficult work ahead to reach that place. That's when my recovery actually began. Thankfully, this process occurred before my mother's death, and I am convinced that if not for that breakthrough and the work that followed, I might never have resolved my grief.

Harry mentions "not confronting issues," and I firmly believe this is at the core of my father's situation. At first, I thought he would break down only when speaking about losing my mother. However, I've noticed that he breaks down similarly when speaking about the death of his own mother 50+ years ago and, to some degree, the loss of his older sister. If he has never dealt with these losses, he won't be able to deal with Mom's, either, which is why talk therapy is so critical for him.

Of course, I'm no expert by any stretch -- just a stranger on the internet sharing her story and hoping that someone gets something useful from it.
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Old 10-07-2018, 07:49 AM
 
Location: Austin
10,997 posts, read 6,188,397 times
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everyone recovers differently from deep grief. I somehow put one foot in front of the other, but don't remember anything that happened the first year after his death. every subsequent year the pain became more bearable, it never goes away completely, but it was five years before I felt like myself again. I knew I was living fully again when I could think of him and smile instead of crumble into a ball.

I still have days when the pain washes over me and I allow myself to feel whatever needs to come to the surface....the sadness and loss again, usually his birthday and certain holidays. however, the overwhelming number of days are good now and memories of him comfort me.

Last edited by texan2yankee; 10-07-2018 at 08:05 AM..
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Old 10-07-2018, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
12,539 posts, read 10,690,100 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eeko156 View Post
It has been 3.5 years since losing my mother to horrific effects of stroke brain damage (she became paralyzed, couldn't speak or eat). I have done everything I am supposed to do. I went to grief groups, sought therapy, tried anti-depressants.

Has anyone else had the pain linger for this long? Did you get "better" as time went on?
After a year and a half, finally, a therapist friend said, "OK, now you have to practice Thought Control."
'What?"
So, I tried what she said...for a week every time I thought of anything from regrets to just wallowing in pain and sadness....I would 'change the channel'...I did recognize that the pain was doing me NO good...but spiraling me into a pit of depression...and it really was more than useless at this point.

What I found was the world didn't stop....I was able to function better and my whole chemistry changed inside.
I was so much better off...switching any thought that came in that was sad....to a 'better feeling thought'....of any kind.
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Old 10-07-2018, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
12,983 posts, read 7,175,561 times
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I'm jealous of your close relationship with your mother Eeko. She must have been a real gem. I never had that kind of relationship with my mother and unfortunately, the grief of that loss is the flip side of that coin. I never shed a tear when my mother died, it was a great relief to me. Think of how sad that is. What you had was the best love a person could ever know. Imagine being an unloved child by their mother. Yes this is devastating for you, but try to seek comfort in the fact that you were so deeply loved. You were very fortunate. If you can try to keep things in perspective it might help. Try not to focus so much on the negativity of the loss, but on the many happy memories you shared with her.

Grief know no time line and until it runs it's course you have to deal with it in constructive ways. Hugs to you, and you are not alone. I'm still missing someone from about the same time frame and not understanding why that friendship went down the tubes. When I feel bad about it, I think of all the good people in my life instead. Grief has a way of focusing a myopic eye on that one issue, but in reality, there's so much more.

I shared some private messages with someone here on City Data that lost a child. There was nothing I could say to him that hasn't been said before, but sometimes you just offer to hold their hand. I hope you have someone in your life that can do that for you. You will laugh and smile again Eeko. Just try to be open to that joy. It's all around if you let it come.
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Old 10-07-2018, 02:04 PM
 
970 posts, read 348,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I am sorry that your grief has been that intense for so long. Is it possible that part of it is post traumatic stress from seeing the unexpected effect the event had upon your mother? That could serve to anchor the immediacy of distress in ways that groups might not recognize and A-Ds might not help.

If available, you might seek an interview at a university teaching hospital that has done work with PTSD. There is no "normal" with grief timelines, but if you are still experiencing that significant pain after 3.5 years, it makes sense to explore outside simple grief counseling.

As usual good solid advice that should really help you IF you act on the advice.
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Old 10-07-2018, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Orange County
1,601 posts, read 1,738,250 times
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I lost my mother almost 40 years ago when I was in my twenties. I still miss her and think of her almost everyday.
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Old 10-08-2018, 01:00 AM
 
Location: El paso,tx
1,465 posts, read 565,003 times
Reputation: 2286
I lost my dad in 95, my oldest brother when he was 40 in 97, my grandmother in 99, my brother thats 14 mo older than me a yr and a half ago. I dealt with those well. Then i lost my mom on july 30th of this yr unexpectedly, after she got a uti, and the antibiotic she was put on sent her into acute kidney failure.
I stayed in the hospital with her for a month, and then the day she got the permacath put in so she could go home and do outpatient dialysis, she went into a fib. Drs felt she wouldnt survive more dialysis so we brought her home an enrolled in hospice. She lasted 12 days. I cant believe how hard this hit me.
I thought since i got thru the other losses, i could deal with this. Its been awful. My remaining brother lives in her house, so i have to go over there often. It kills me, to see the her things. I moved her down here after my brother died last yr, and helped her decorate, and bought her things, like an owl shower curtain, got her patio chairs reupholstered, hung pictures for her. Ive talked to her daily since my dad died in 95. When she moved down here, i would stop by daily, and take her shopping, do the crossword puzzle with her, cook together. I feel like a huge part of my life is gone.
I need to start cleaning out her house, so my brother can move and we can sell it, but i know that will be an ordeal.
To the OP. The only thing i have found comforting is George andersons books...We are Not Forgotten is really good. I had things happen after my dad died, that proved, we do go on. So i know my mom is ok, but the hole in my life is always going to be there. I kind of look forward to passing on now. I need to be here to take care of my brother and husband, but after they go, i hope i go the next day. (And no...im not suicidal...just looking forward to eventually being with my family and especially my mom. I just cant go before my brother and husband).
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