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Hi everyone. I’d like some advice and sort of what I can expect as well as my husband. Neither of us has witnessed someone grieving before. I’ve never experienced any loss before but I am going to soon as my mother is dyeing. My husband says he wants to help me any way he can. Since he has never been through this before and neither have I we were wondering what to expect? Can he hold me? How bad does the crying get? What should my husband expect to feel while he holds me? Are there any videos or anything of a woman grieving I could show him to prepare him? I’m looking for real grief most of what I find sounds fake or has too much talking.
Hi everyone. I’d like some advice and sort of what I can expect as well as my husband. Neither of us has witnessed someone grieving before. I’ve never experienced any loss before but I am going to soon as my mother is dyeing. My husband says he wants to help me any way he can. Since he has never been through this before and neither have I we were wondering what to expect? Can he hold me? How bad does the crying get? What should my husband expect to feel while he holds me? Are there any videos or anything of a woman grieving I could show him to prepare him? I’m looking for real grief most of what I find sounds fake or has too much talking.
There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. Everyone grieves differently because everyone is an individual and they also had a unique relationship with the person they lost. Kind of hard to predict what anyone will do or how they'll do it. What might help is to do some reading about the phases of grieving...its a process. There is a lot written about grieving. Do some reading and talk about it together. Some places to start:
Like Parnassia said, there's no one size fits all type of grief. I lost my dad first (five years ago) and then my mom (two years ago), both from long, lingering illnesses. The loss of my dad was devastating, in part because he never developed any dementia and he knew he was dying and it was just gut wrenching. My mom had dementia though and her death was sad but more of a relief than my dad's was.
I had a quiet sort of grief over my mom - I still do sometimes. But with my dad, I did the ugly crying.
After I lost both of them, my younger brother got pancreatic cancer and he died (Also two years ago). That was a different sort of grief, more raw, but less personal if that makes sense. I mean, I loved my brother, and he was my YOUNGER brother so that was bad, but I wasn't responsible for his treatments or his pain or whatever. I really did feel for his wife and kids though.
Then I lost my husband unexpectedly a year ago and suddenly and it was KATIE, BAR THE DOOR. Worst. Pain. Ever.
Here's what has been helpful to me though:
First of all, the crying. I said I did "the ugly crying" with my dad but it wasn't a long ugly cry. I remember crying alone most of the time, and just right after it happened. His death sort of haunted me for awhile, until the good memories began to overshadow the bad ones. That took awhile, but I knew it was going to happen because I had felt it when his mother died.
So my point is this - whatever your feelings are, ADDRESS THEM. Allow yourself to feel them. But don't force yourself to feel them. I am not sure, for example, that I've ever really cried cried for my mom. I mean, I've gotten teary eyed but I haven't sobbed and maybe I never will. And that's OK.
With my dad, I remember finding something that made me SO MAD AT HIM after he died, and I remember literally sitting in the middle of the floor of my office and screaming - and then I took his little china dog that his grandmother had given him, which I had now, and I smashed it into a gazillion pieces in my garage, with a hammer. (I actually wish I hadn't done that now, but at the time it felt good.) Now, and this is the honest truth, I don't even remember the specifics of what I was so mad about. All I remember now, all I choose to remember, is the good times we had together, which were many. But I allowed myself to feel that anger and heartache.
With my husband, man, I needed grief counseling and by golly I got it. And it was very beneficial. Group sessions? NOT. But one on one counseling was worth every penny. I have cried off and on and now a year later, some things still unexpectedly grab me. For instance, the other night after I got in bed, alone again, but not particularly thinking about that, I looked out onto the patio and saw the little solar lights that my husband loved so much, that we'd bought from Amazon and then ordered some more because they were so cool. They were flickering away, still going strong, and I cried myself to sleep. I didn't expect that - I expected to just read in bed and then turn out the lights and go to sleep. But it was OK. It was sort of nice in a sad way if that makes sense.
Hi everyone. I’d like some advice and sort of what I can expect as well as my husband. Neither of us has witnessed someone grieving before. I’ve never experienced any loss before but I am going to soon as my mother is dyeing. My husband says he wants to help me any way he can. Since he has never been through this before and neither have I we were wondering what to expect? Can he hold me? How bad does the crying get? What should my husband expect to feel while he holds me? Are there any videos or anything of a woman grieving I could show him to prepare him? I’m looking for real grief most of what I find sounds fake or has too much talking.
Sorry to hear what you are going through. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your body and mind will control how you’ deal with it. I find that you somehow get through it as if you were given super human strength. I went to a walk last night. People were friendly. Not much crying at all. People having normal conversations. At my own mother’s wake a while back, all my family and friends were there. Many were you king it up and laughing up a storm at things. It was surreal watching them and seeing my mother 20’ away lying in her coffin. It kind of hits you when the funeral is over and you have time to think and realize that you can never pick up the phone and call, hug or interact with the parson ever again. I was devastated at the time but it had no effect on my daily life. I just sucked it up and moved on. I still think of her every day and wonder how I got through it but I did.
Firstly, a gentle supportive hug for this parent who is proceeding into the surrender of life.
Your intuition will guide you thru this grief.
Not sure there is a fake(????) way to grieve.
There isn't a book in the world written to 'prepare' you.
All your internal character strength and weakness will be magnified. That much is true. From that though it will propel you to a different understanding of life and yes the suffering side. The bizarre thing with grief is the tidbits of wisdom you'll gather.
Death is informed by culture, generation, religion, and personal background. There is no one way to learn about death. It is personal, private, and specific to a person. Each one you experience offers you new and separate ways to grieve.
The first person's funeral I attended was an old woman I went to church with. Her time was up, she had multiple medical impairments, and she went. I recall going to the funeral home, riding my motorcycle. I found a spot out front and nearly got hit by an oncoming car looking to also park. I flipped them off. I went inside to pay my respects. I sat in the back. The person who was driving the car that almost hit me came in. I bristled a bit but paid them no mind. It was weird to realize the old woman who died would never come back. I felt sad to go to church and not see her there.
I was told my Dad died on the day I had final exams at the graduate level. I completed them like a zombie, emotionally unaffected. I began a summer semester, and then I went to spread his ashes. It was only after I got to my mother's home that it hit me he would never be back. I was 42. I cried a lot, and I mourned for a while (6 months or more). My mother passed away and I wasn't told until she was cremated. I was 48. I don't think I ever cried. I was not invited to spread her ashes. I've felt immensely sad. These events took place over 20 and 13 years ago. I have processed their passing. I 'meet' them at the activities they taught me and loved best: I 'see' them in the kitchen, I 'meet' them at the stove, and I celebrate them with the foods I cook.
I've worked with the elderly and I've seen some of them off to their end. They stop being vital. The skin clings tight to their bones. They stop eating. They breath very shallow. There is agonal breathing (a type of gasping). They don't open their eyes. They get colder (to the touch). I've seen people who have had strokes. They curl in semi-fetal positions. They are still very aware, but have few ways of making that known.
Some person's passing is a blessing. I recall being available to 'release' a man who was a pedophile and molested his own child. He didn't want to live (it wasn't really working for him to deprive himself of life) and then we worked on making a vital life for himself, to be the best he could be (I know, very ironic). He started having a joy for life again. He went for a common procedure and a medical mistake occurred. It left him with a stroke and in a coma. He didn't have to struggle any longer. I told him his work was done and he didn't need to stay to create a resolution. He died that night.
Some person's passing is a blessing for them altogether. The family is able to celebrate a life lived. Others grieve horribly and mourn in an overwhelming fashion. I have seen people blubbering over losses (one relative was very teary and etched her name on his casket - he was her third husband and he had cheated on her, unbeknownst to her). I have seen people very stoic and dab tears from their eyes. I've watched people (wife and daughter) meet people like it was a business meeting; well dressed, well made up, and ready to go about the business of husband's/father's passing. He had a terminal disease found late and he wound up dying at home after he stopped breathing. I saw families split on how the deceased's life should be recognized - some with an open casket and burial and others with cremation - this became the dividing line, and sides never were to meet again. I know of a young newlywed's death (hit in a head-on crash). His wife had no follow-up exchange with her in-laws over any part of the burial or donations made to help (GoFundMe).
The OP should find what works best for herself. If the relative is alive, it would be very important to have a chat on how life / death should be recognized or celebrated. These conversations should flow within and among the greater family too. There are some traditions that have been continued for generations (putting something in the decedent's hands prior to the casket closing). Emotions can get wild. I have heard of yelling and accusations during ceremonies and/or benedictions. The minister walked out and didn't return during that outburst. Sometimes photos are taken. These events are sometimes Zoom'd. And despite all you know, the experience will be sudden, awful, and full of regrets, of last things that should have been said that never were. Whatever occurs, I wish the OP peace and that you have resolution with the passing of kin.
I think you're putting too much thought into this. Grieving is an emotional feeling. Depending on the way or to what extent you grieve, would give an idea as to what to expect. I am terribly sorry to hear this, and losing your Mom is aweful. However, it is a part of life and the pain will soon turn to sweet memories and you will be happy again.
Check out some books from the library or download some books on grief. My co-worker's son was murdered 8 months ago at the age of 21, and she is doing much better now. Time does heal and you and your hubby will know what to do when the time comes.
I grieve more by myself when I think of my parents. Will remember something they did or say and start tearing up.
At their funerals, we shed tears, but silently.
They had been ill for some time, so that might make a difference. You are glad that they are no longer suffering, they had a good life and are on to a new journey.
Hi everyone. I’d like some advice and sort of what I can expect as well as my husband. Neither of us has witnessed someone grieving before. I’ve never experienced any loss before but I am going to soon as my mother is dyeing. My husband says he wants to help me any way he can. Since he has never been through this before and neither have I we were wondering what to expect? Can he hold me? How bad does the crying get? What should my husband expect to feel while he holds me? Are there any videos or anything of a woman grieving I could show him to prepare him? I’m looking for real grief most of what I find sounds fake or has too much talking.
I'm sure you already have gotten very good advice, just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Before my husband died, I had not experienced any major loss before. I can tell you that it was awkward for me to be around those who had because I wasn't sure how to react and I felt unreasonably that it wasn't fair that I didn't have any experience with loss but they had. Very unreasonable. Prior to my husband, whenever I encountered someone who was grieving I expressed sympathy by way of saying "I'm sorry for your loss" (or something along those lines). Even my good friend, when she said that her ex-husband passed away, I didn't know what to do other than express words along this line. I never felt it was genuine. And not that I wasn't sorry, of course I didn't want them to be in that position, but I had absolutely no real idea of what they were going through. It always seemed somehow fake to me and there wasn't really anything I could do about it. I would always wonder why it was them and not me.
I'm not saying your husband will be like me; I'm not sure if anyone can relate to what I'm talking about. It might be good that they wouldn't be able to. I can't pinpoint why exactly psychologically I felt the way I did about grief prior to having a real experience with it since I am extremely empathetic and would weep for days hearing about a child's death and weep when I would read anecdotes about loss during the civil war. It wasn't for lack of empathy.
As for me, I feel watching videos about grieving may not be quite helpful; everyone grieves differently and I don't think you really know how you will be until you are there. For me, it helps me to talk about my husband and to keep him as part of the "present" and not as the past. This likely stems from my religious beliefs of how he is not actually dead but with my Lord and Saviour Jesus who is not Lord of the dead but of the living. He is resting with our Saviour until we are reunited again at the resurrection which relatively will not be very far off at all. So I do not want to put him behind me and move on like it seems other people who grieve want to do, which would be correct for them to do should this help them in their grief. For me, this is a little delay until we can be together again. I do not dwell in the sadness of loss and wish even to get married again, but he is very much a present part of my life and I hope that it will be that way until I am called finally to my eternal home.
The crying can get very bad, at least it did for me. Sometimes I was with others, sometimes I was alone. When I was with others, I just held onto them. They didn't need to say anything, I just cried into their arms, very very wretchedly and profusely. If I were to be the other person who was holding the one weeping, I believe I would feel an echo of my own loss (not sure how great it would be at that time) and would pray that the Lord would lift them up and bring them comfort since he was the only one who brought comfort to me.
I grieve more by myself when I think of my parents. Will remember something they did or say and start tearing up.
At their funerals, we shed tears, but silently.
They had been ill for some time, so that might make a difference. You are glad that they are no longer suffering, they had a good life and are on to a new journey.
I just lost my Mom last week and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I walked into the produce section and became very emotional hearing her say in my head "I need a Green Pepper for dinner tonight".
Little things like that are going to trigger me.
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