Regret at donating their belongings

[winterbird]

Mom lived in another state. We packed up most of her things and brought them home. However, I gave away appx 3 boxes of her beautiful (and expensive) wardrobe to members of her church (she was a very active member). Throughout my life, my mother always received great joy from donating/sewing clothing for those less fortunate, or those who just admired something she wore. At the time, I felt moved to donate the bulk of her clothes. I thought that is what she would have wanted me to do, because that's what she always did. I did keep a couple of bins of special items she wore.

I now feel a heavy sadness and regret that maybe I donated them prematurely. That maybe I should have brought the items home and "sat" with them a while. I also gave away her shoes and leather boots and some costume jewelry. I remember each item I put in the boxes and it's driving me crazy!!! I did keep her gold, pearls and diamond jewelry for the family. We kept a few kitchen items that she's had forever as keepsakes. We brought home her furniture and planters and have them stored until the other siblings can decide if they want them.

I even kept her bedding and pillows, because I can still smell her on them. What is really bothering me is that I gave away most of her clothes! I can't get over it for the last few days. Can anyone relate? I feel like I gave pieces of "her" away, that I can never get back (which is true); if that makes any sense?

I guess I just need a little help, here.

[Charlotteborn]

Maybe now that you are home the realization that your Mom is really gone is making it harder to accept.

You did the right thing. I am sure her friends are thankful to have a wonderful remembrance of her. Try to remember your Mom for all the wonderful times you shared. Time will help you heal but it sounds like you were lucky to have a wonderful Mom that will always be missed. You will hold her in your heart always.

[winterbird]

Thank you, Charlotteborn

[KathrynAragon]

I agree with Charlotteborn.

You know, there's just so much to do when a close loved one dies. And I hate to say it, but death is never convenient or easy from our perspective. I think that now that things have calmed down, you are faced with the reality of your loss and it's just hard. I promise though that you will move past it.

I had to get rid of so much of my parents' stuff. One thing that disappeared, that I can't find ANYWHERE and that I'd really love to have, is a little pillow they had on a chair, that said "Home Is Where The Dog Is." I guess it's just gone. I can't imagine where or how. Maybe a family member picked it up. I hope so. But meanwhile, I just take comfort in realizing that even if I had it, I would miss my parents tremendously. Oh well.

[winterbird]

Thank you, KA.
Both of your replies are so helpful.

[Katnan]

It’s so hard, isn’t it?

Once my mom passed and I had to clean out the house, clothing was the first place I started. I kept one sweater to wear, which I haven’t yet but it is still in my closet. I kept my dad’s shirts and had them made into a throw blanket.

For me it was all their “stuff” I’ve struggled to part with. To solve some of the problem, I took photos of items before donating so I would still have the memory without having to retain the physical item. But I kept way too much after they’d passed.

I’m finally at a place where I’m not so attached to items anymore, finally at a stage that they are just “stuff”. My mother died 6 years ago and it’s taken that long for me to let go. Like you, I felt like I was getting rid of them, but something in me changed in the past couple of months and now I’m finding it an annoyance to have all these items and knickknacks I don’t want or have room for.

I donated a bunch of items at the start of the year, and still have some to go, but i finally feel relieved to let go. It even feels now like a self imposed prison I put myself in, and I don’t want my house to be a museum of artifacts from my parents. I have larger furniture pieces from my parents and both sets of grandparents - solid wood bedroom dresser set, dining room set, curio cabinet, antique desk and bookcase. These things have a purpose and bring enjoyment. I love that my dining set is one my father sat at as a child.

Wishing you strength and peace on your grief journey.

[winterbird]

I initially felt that I didn't want to transfer all of her stuff to storage here, only to delay letting it go later. I felt that I was saving myself a lot of energy by donating it immediately. As it is, we still have to find homes for all her other stuff. I've just recently had this sinking feeling that I really screwed up regarding the clothes. My OCD has kicked in and I am seeing myself packing all of her things and give the boxes away. I can almost name each item "I should have kept..."

I'm so grateful for you all sharing your experiences. I need to feel someone understands.

[upnorthretiree]

Winter bird, I’m not a psychologist by any means, but I bet anything your subconscious is hoping that if you could get your mom’s clothes back, you could get her back. It’s also allowing you something to feel angry at, which is so much less painful than grief. And it’s so sad to move towards coming to understand that nothing will bring your Mom back. I’m struggling with the same grief right now, and kept several things of theirs that I have in my home. I’m glad I have a few things, but can’t say it’s a comfort, because in the end, no “thing” can comfort you for the loss of a loved one. Let the clothes go. The clothes are not your mother. They are not the love between you and your mother. In fact, clothes have nothing to do with the love.

Think for a minute - if you had those clothes, would you miss your Mom less? Would you no longer grieve her loss? I doubt it. The clothes are just confusing the issue. And that issue is, we lose people who meant more than the world to us and absorbing that grief is extraordinarily painful. You are not alone. I feel for you, as do all of us here who have lost people. And if feeling angry with yourself right now is a way to dig yourself out of grief, then hey, we all do what we have to do to get through the hardest times. When you’ve bought yourself enough time, the anger will slip away, the clothes will no longer be a concern, and you’ll be able to manage the grief that’s probably crippling you right now.

[Wile E. Coyote]

No, you did right. Give it all away because where she lives is in your heart. The only items I would keep are photos and important documents. Let someone else in need use the earthly goods; it's the right thing to do (no doubt).

[Nov3]

My one endearing aunt ( who lost her son in an untimely way) sat me down and gave some pearls of wisdom.
She said, grief has no time line.
The clothes can wait, as too can the decisions on her goods. Time will show you as will opportunity. So I went thru some items knowing who would benefit.
The rest slowly dwindled as the opportunities arose. To this day I have 10-12 pieces of hers that I retained. She was a size 18-20. I'm a size 9. I swim in her sweaters and love it! Because I still feel that bond when I put it on.
The reality is: when I pass or get put in a gawd awful nursing home. Those things will be tossed. It's how disposable: people and things are in this modern age.
I think it's healthy to take your time, and let circumstances be the guide. In your case you saw those options and did what was right at ' that time'.
Remember even that which you saved will become someone else's decision when you pass. They may not have the same values as you for that object.

Find peace that you made those decisions. So much of what we retain is borrowed... The love, the memories, the bond- we keep.