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I lost a dear friend unexpectedly in December. We're in our mid-50s and it was nothing I ever considered at this age. It's been months and I'm still completely heartbroken, so I can't imagine the pain you are feeling over losing your husband. All I can say for "wisdom" is to be kind to yourself, and take the time to heal, however that may be. There is no timeline for this. <hugs>
By Golly Ms Molly, I am so sorry to learn of your loss. Part of it is the loss and a portion, the suddenness that he left you. I have no amazing words of comfort other than a few here have been through this, survived and maybe even prospered. When I’m having a tough time today, I make myself look forward to tomorrow knowing that today will pass. Your “tomorrow” may not come for months, if ever, but for now, keep looking forward with his memory in your heart.
He was 51, would have turned 52 in May. The assumption is that it was a massive heart attack, but the ME decided there was no need for an autopsy.
He had a full physical 2 months ago (EKG, chest x-ray, lab work). Everything was fine.
I went to bed Monday night around 11:30. My husband was a true night owl and would often stay up until 3 or 4 am playing computer games or checking Facebook or just watching TV.
I woke up at 6:30 and noticed that the lights were still on in the living room. I walked out and found him lying face down on the floor in front of the computer desk, with his hands under his chest. My first thought was that he had fallen and hit his head and was unconscious. I reached down and touched his shoulder (he was shirtless and wearing shorts) and he was cold, and then I noticed that his skin was mottled, and I knew he was dead and probably had been for several hours.
I was absolutely freaked out. I think I just stood there moaning "No no no no no" It's so strange how the mind works. I knew I needed to call the authorities, but I remembered hearing that you shouldn't call 911 if it wasn't an emergency. And it wasn't an emergency because he was already dead. But I didn't know what other "non-emergency" number to call. So, I called my neighbor who works for the sheriffs office and she said that yes, I should call 911. And she came right over to be with me while I waited. She knew my husband well because he was a member of a volunteer emergency response team that she was the leader of, but I had only met her once. I was so grateful that she came.
2 sheriff cars and an ambulance arrived within 15 minutes. We are rural and live on 10 acres about 5 miles from a small town of around 3500 people. They came in and examined him and then the ambulance left and the 2 sheriffs stayed and got information from me and asked questions about medical history, doctor, etc. They told me they would be calling a detective to come and take pictures and ask me questions. I think I was a potential suspect if there had been "foul play". Maybe I watch too much TV, where the spouse is always the first suspect.
It took about an hour for the detective to arrive. I had to choose a funeral home. I asked one of the sheriffs if we could put a sheet over my husband's body because we have an open floor plan and I could see him from where we were talking in the kitchen. I got a sheet and the sheriff covered him. I went out in the yard with our 10 rescue dogs who were understandably agitated. I noticed our lawn would need cutting soon. Realized that I don't know how to use our zero-turn mower. Wondered how I could even have any thoughts about the lawn while my husband was dead on the floor. It all felt very surreal.
The detective arrived, took pictures and talked to me. He went outside and called the medical examiner and was on the phone for about 5 minutes, then came and told me there was no need for an autopsy and that the funeral home would be coming to pick up the body. It took another hour until they arrived and took my husband away. It was 4 hours from when I found him until they left with him.
I am so lost. He was truly my soulmate. We had been together 31 years. We have always spent almost 24/7 with each other. We just enjoyed being with each other. I have never experienced a loss such as this. My father passed last year and I was sad but he was 89 and had lived a full life, and although we were close, we lived in different states and I only saw him a few times a year.
I've read a lot of posts here and I know my grief is not unique, but it feels unique to me, because I've never felt like this. I have people to support me. My mom and aunt came from 4 hours away to be with me. They are not staying at my house because I need some time alone daily with the dogs to "recharge" but they come over and spend time with me. They went to the funeral home with me and helped me with making decisions. I am an introvert and dealing with all the sympathy is difficult, although I know I need to accept it, and I sincerely appreciate it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. I just want my husband not to be dead.
You have my deepest condolences and I admit I became a bit jealous when reading the way you describe your marriage. Although I love my wife and am very satisfied with how things turned out, we share almost nothing in common.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I suddenly lost my soulmate, who was 60, just over a year ago. I miss him every day. Sleep will probably be difficult for you for quite awhile. I’m just finally getting some. Again, I’m very sorry.
I have been sitting here, reading and re-reading all of these posts. They do bring me some small measure of comfort, which is all I can hope for at this time.
It is so helpful to know that others have survived their losses, even if right now I don't feel like there is any point in "surviving" without my husband. His name is Mike.
I have been sitting here, reading and re-reading all of these posts. They do bring me some small measure of comfort, which is all I can hope for at this time.
It is so helpful to know that others have survived their losses, even if right now I don't feel like there is any point in "surviving" without my husband. His name is Mike.
I wish I could sleep.
I'm sorry. I felt the same way after my husband died and especially since I have no children and a very small family (my brother and sister and I hardly talk with each other); just my parents really would be devastated if I were to die (mainly my mother) but they're getting up there in age and while my dad can go any day (has had chronic kidney disease for 15 years now) my mom may be here for another ten years or so (most of her family passed away in their 80s). And then with the rift which developed between my parents when they disliked my husband so much, it was difficult to turn to them and not feel somewhat resentful at them for not treating him as I feel the way they should have (they have a very close relationship with my sister's husband and think the world of him; but they thought my husband was a real loser). It was and is only by my faith that I've held on.
A friend of mine who lost his wife found great support in a widow and widower's group. I don't know if that might be of interest to you someday; yet, he was a extrovert who loved being around people. I thought of it, but never reached out to try to participate in any. I felt my own way of grieving was helping me the best; I took an appropriate leave of absence from work, 4 weeks. I had to move out of our home (and did so in the beginning of January 2019; he passed away at the end of December 2018. I found a place to rent--told the landlord the circumstances and they may have sped up the process--and my mom and sister stayed with me for a little while to help pack things).
It helped me so much though I was advised against it. I had just bought it a little over a year before he died and he fell in love with the place immediately when he saw it (he even said, "Yep, I could die here". I strived to bring him home from the hospital so he could do just that, but the Lord chose to call him home before I could). I think I really bought it more for him because I just loved making him happy, it was all my joy. He was lonely before he met me and had always wanted to be married (had been engaged three times but all of them fell through). His friends and family said he was the happiest they had ever seen him while he was with me and I treasure knowing that.
I asked my doctor for another prescription of Xanax to help me sleep and for a few weeks it was the only thing that helped me drift off. I don't have an addictive personality though; I had a prescription for it which had expired so I knew it had helped me with trouble sleeping before.
My Aunt wrote to me (she lost my Uncle) that this is a club that none of us wants to join. But as someone previously mentioned, not everyone (I think actually not too many) people have marriages like ours where we truly and deeply love one another; we truly desire to spend all our lives with each other and take great pleasure in each other's company. So many marriage end in divorce or if they do not the spouses grow apart and just stay together out of convenience or maybe not really seeing the point in leaving in each other. This is the part that is the disadvantage of it though. When they do leave (as I knew my husband would most surely before me since he was 25 years older than me--though we thought since he had no diagnosed health problems he could at least give me 10 years) it is a dreadful rupture in our lives as though our heart has been shredded apart.
I can imagine how you must feel and I don't know what to say to you, but I wanted to at least say I am so sorry and you have my condolences.
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