[anonymom31]

I'm asking for a friend (really, I am)... her boyfriend has a problem with alcohol. He quit, but relapsed and got into a really big mess. While intoxicated they both got into an argument and he was yelling at her and shoving her around in an alley (no cameras). He hit her, details are fuzzy even to her because she was also intoxicated but knows that he hit her in the face. A group of witnesses walked by and held him down while a woman called police and put my friend on the phone. She stated what happened over the phone and well police arrived, the witnesses fled (no statements from them). They took him to jail and booked him, and got her drunken statement (she doesn't know how detailed she got). He was released the next day without recollection of what he did. This is his first offense ever and the first time he ever laid hands on her. They are currently together, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed. It will be another 20-30 days before his trial. He's in good standing with the air force, in fact he was being promoted at the time of the incident. He'll have completed anger management and be a member of AA group organized by the airforce by the time he sees a judge in court. My friend doesn't want this mistake to ruin his life. Instead she wants him to be punished as an alcoholic who relapsed and became an ugly person, and encourage a road to recovery instead of a road of more anger and resentment. Has anyone dealt with a case like this? Do you know what they should expect? Can or will she testify in court on his behalf to make him look of better light? What will happen with his position in the air force? Is her statement enough to have him charged? Can she and her boyfriend deny or discredit her statement? They are just very in the dark and scared about their futures. If he stays away from alcohol, which he's proven capable of doing, he would not ever lay a finger on her like that sober... regardless of what happens, they will probably stay together. Please keep your judgements about that to yourselves.. and thank you so much for your input.

[anonymom31]

P.S. The evidence is her police statement, a picture of the bottom half of her face which was swollen, and anything the cops may have witnessed when they got there (witnesses leaving I guess). There is no other video evidence or written statements.

[WestieJeff]

An acquaintance of mine had a similar scenario a few years ago. The person who got hit didn't testify as they didn't want the hitter to get into trouble. The DA ignored their request to drop the charges and pressed charges using the 911 call and whatever other evidence was available. He had to get an attorney, it was his first offense and ended up getting a plea deal with anger management.

Gonna need an attorney and be prepared to pay, it ain't cheap to unwind these types of things.

[lvmensch]

Originally Posted by anonymom31

P.S. The evidence is her police statement, a picture of the bottom half of her face which was swollen, and anything the cops may have witnessed when they got there (witnesses leaving I guess). There is no other video evidence or written statements.

They have set the hounds of hell loose. Your friend basically has two choices. Hang the SOB or go into full emergency mode to try and recover. And she may well have to lie or at least have memory failure in the process.

This is one those wicked gambles in life. Your friend can cover for the dude and end up getting beaten to a pulp or killed. On the other hand they can successfully deal with the alcohol and end up with an idyllic existence.

So she makes her choice. And if she wants to save it a lawyer is called for. And a competent one. Ideally the charges need to be killed. Anything else leaves a residual that haunts forever. Plea deals solve the immediate problem but have long legs and never really go away.

Morale? Don't get drunk with your SO in an alley unless you know it leads to sex. Even bad drunken sex, publicly in an alley seldom leds to much more than embarrassment.

[WVREDLEG]

Originally Posted by anonymom31

He's in good standing with the air force, in fact he was being promoted at the time of the incident. He'll have completed anger management and be a member of AA group organized by the airforce by the time he sees a judge in court.

The second he punched her, he was no longer "in good standing with the air force". He didn't have a choice to take anger management or substance abuse therapy--he was already scheduled when his unit saw him on the blotter report.

No judgment--just facts. Domestic violence follows a very specific and predictable pathology for both the perpetrator and the victim. Everything in your post is in a freshman psychology case study.

It is not enough for the guy to learn to control his anger and avoid booze--your friend has to make changes, too. She cannot blame herself for getting punched--this is the core of the psychology that makes her a target. "I started it"..."I pushed him first"..."I was drunk, too"...."he broke down and begged me to forgive him"...

I hope your friend gets professional help--I've watched it unfold more times than I can remember, including while serving twice as a company commander and twice as a battalion commander (Army).

[NLVgal]

Originally Posted by lvmensch

They have set the hounds of hell loose. Your friend basically has two choices. Hang the SOB or go into full emergency mode to try and recover. And she may well have to lie or at least have memory failure in the process.

This is one those wicked gambles in life. Your friend can cover for the dude and end up getting beaten to a pulp or killed. On the other hand they can successfully deal with the alcohol and end up with an idyllic existence.

So she makes her choice. And if she wants to save it a lawyer is called for. And a competent one. Ideally the charges need to be killed. Anything else leaves a residual that haunts forever. Plea deals solve the immediate problem but have long legs and never really go away.

Morale? Don't get drunk with your SO in an alley unless you know it leads to sex. Even bad drunken sex, publicly in an alley seldom leds to much more than embarrassment.

This is true about the hounds of hell. Game over. Especially because he's military.

Last time a guy hit me in the face I got one black eye. He got two. No law enforcement needed, just a divorce attorney a year later.

[Packrat1]

First of all, not judging, but you stated he has proven he can stay away from alcohol this doesn't appear to be the case. Hopefully it will be in the future. As a friend, you most certainly can be an advocate for her. One of the things that will definitely be a problem if they want to stay together is her drinking/intoxication. If she really wants to make it work she too should quit drinking. You didn't say if other drugs ie: Marijuana were taken too. Sure it's legal for her but not so much for him. If that, or any other recreational drugs were being used they both should stop them too as that can lower their resolve to stay away from alcohol.

On the idea of "Hope for the best but expect the worst" she should at least be prepared if he gets arrested again. Here's a excerpt of what she can do. (See for further WomensLaw.org | Nevada: Orders for Protection Against Domestic Violence)

"An emergency protective order is an order that you can request by telephone if you are the victim of domestic violence, and the abuser is arrested and put into jail. It lasts for up to one week until a court hearing can be held. To get an emergency protective order, you must call within 12 hours of the abuser’s arrest. Emergency protective orders are convenient because you do not have to appear in court. You can call a justice of the peace court or district court and they will issue the order over the phone and have the police serve the abuser with the order while s/he is in jail. A judge should be available 24 hours/day, 7 days/week in counties whose population is 52,000 or more; in a county with less than 52,000 people, it is optional (not mandatory) for the county to make judges available 24 hours per day.* (Check the NV Courthouse Locations page for the number of the courthouse nearest you.)"

Another thing to consider is if they both don't change their ways the results could be quite different next time. Now he knows what happens when they get into a physical fight and the police are called. With that knowledge he might be able to lie to the police and if he has some injuries get her arrested. Just saying..

Additionally, if the worst does happen and I hope it doesn't, she should be prepared to abide by a Protective Order which normally would exclude him from the home, no calls, no texts, no letters, no contact via third parties. What sometimes happens is the victim gets the Protective Order, the abuser apologizes, and stays in the home in violation of the order. Then when he acts up she calls the Police to report the Violation of the Order. Often those get tossed in court as the victim allowed the abuser to violate the order. Just some things to think of.

Not sure what the medical policies are in the Military but sounds like he could use an In Patient alcohol program and most likely some Mental Health Counseling.

I wish them both good luck hope it works out.

[soclose]

She has him by the balls, he might be facing UCMJ also depending how his chain of command is.

[jet757f]

Originally Posted by NLVgal

This is true about the hounds of hell. Game over. Especially because he's military.

Last time a guy hit me in the face I got one black eye. He got two. No law enforcement needed, just a divorce attorney a year later.

You go girl!!

[orca17]

Originally Posted by soclose

She has him by the balls, he might be facing UCMJ also depending how his chain of command is.

In the back of my mind, I keep hearing Don Meredith singing, "Turn out the lights, the party's over." My experience has been that the military doesn't have much tolerance for this kind of thing.