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You've been lucky to have had your parents pitching in for so long. So the big choice is do you want to give up what's been up until now a great situation both from an economic standpoint and stress standpoint, for one where things aren't as easy and convenient and cost effective. Now your neighborhood is changing for the worse, the attitudes sound like the typical hard-nosed NY type (that's something we could all do without), and your public schools go way downhill after elementary (unfortunately all kids get older and some become worse, so middle school and up can actually become a dangerous place to be).
I've always put my kids first as I was raising them. To my own inconvenience, huge stress, being constantly broke, etc. My kids didn't ask to be here, and since we had them I've always felt it was my husband's and my responsibility to provide for them and do the best for them we could. Which included a good and relatively safe school district (keep in mind nothing's perfect, and your kids need to make good choices in who they hang with), taking them to their activities (no, they were never ridiculously scheduled every minute of the day or even every day), keeping them safe, etc. Basically devoting a huge chunk of my energy, time and effort on their behalf. I was on call 24/7. It all goes with good parenting. My parents were never part of that equation and didn't want to be babysitters. So, yes, it was many exhausting years. Now one is out of college and on her own, and the other is in college. Once they hit around 5th grade in some ways it becomes a lot easier - they don't need mom and dad as much, etc. And as they get older they become more and more independent in all aspects. So it's not a life sentence raising them. It will get easier regarding supervision.
Personally, I'd move. The safety issue alone would chase me away. That's what it sounds like you want to do from your post. It's not like you'd be moving to the mid-west 1000 miles away. You'd be at the most 1.5 hours away (or less). Your kids would still see their cousins and your parents a lot of the time anyway - think weekends and holidays (maybe they could stay at your parents over their winter break and spring break from their nice, safe, quality LI public school). And they'd have the benefit of a better school district (choose wisely), and all of you would be a lot safer.
As far as day care goes, many parents (the vast majority) work full time here on LI. The school districts have after and before school "day care" options (ours was called SAC). Depending on the school district, their before- and after-school times vary. So you won't need your mom and dad for any of that while school is running during the year. You'll be able to figure out something for their vacations - the largest one being summer time. How about day camp? If that's too pricey, some of the school districts have low-cost summer camp/programs. Or how about the local YMCA programs in the summer? If you do your digging around, you'll find something that will work.
It will feel a little strange in the beginning when you move. Your kids will have to adjust to a new school and new friends which will probably take anywhere from 1 - 5 days, all of you will have to adjust to driving in a car by yourselves and not having to worry about being mugged on the subway, probably have to adjust to having your own private backyard (and front) complete with a barbeque and enough lawn for your kids to run and play, have to adjust to going to the beach in the summer, maybe your husband or you will take up golf. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
And even though your parents will miss your kids and not seeing them after school (although I kind of like the sleeping over idea at their house on weekends and school vacations), I'll bet they won't be worrying about their safety anymore.
I totally agree with what the above poster said. It was our descision to move here and that comes with the good and the bad. Summer care is always a problem. YOu have been so so lucky to have family to fall back on, but your children are not your parents or families responsibility. It is your and your dh's responsibility and also one needs to do whats best for your children. It is hard to do it alone, but with that comes a lot of satisfaction and pride.
A little story ; at my oldest childs communion, all his friends were there with their families, extended families etc. It was just me, dh and my two boys in our pew. It was a very sad sight ; at least I thought it was. But his teacher from school came and I spoke to her at the end of Mass. I was feeling very very low and lonely and explained to her that it was sad that it was just the four of us. She put it in perspective ; she said, all these children have their families ; yes, but they may not get along etc. You give your children the excitement of travel, the excitement of going different places that most of these children will never have. It cannot be replaced no matter how large the family is.
She was right. There is a little girl in my younger sons class who is so jealous when my son is traveling. She picks on him, is very sarcastic to him but yet she lives with her family.
Do what is best for your children and your dh ; they are your family. The extended family will come to visit and you can visit them.
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