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This is going to be long, I'm sorry. However, I don't want to open up to anyone I know (friends, etc ) and thought a public forum and stranger's view might point me in a different direction, shed some light ...
A brief scope, I have never gotten a long with my mother, she suffers from severe narcissistic behavior. And, that was validated by a Clinical Therapist years ago. My mother and my father split when I was 5, and I never met my father until I was in my mid-30s. He didn't want kids. When I was 34 he told me he was meeting me to just give me closure- he never wanted me, but my mother insisted on keeping me. Anyway, my mother was too young to deal, so my grandparents raised me from 5 on. ...
I'm in my 40s now- I talk to my mother now and then, but she is like a child, very mean-spirited towards me, always telling me how I should be a better daughter, be there for her, do more for her, and take care of her the way I take care of my grandmother ... When I was engaged, she sent my fiance a note, "you can do better- dump her". And, when my fiance and I would fight, he would bring that up, "your own mother thinks you're not worth anything".
My mother doesn't miss an opportunity to tell me what an unfit daughter I am, a loser. I recently told my family I wanted to head back to school FT and my mother flipped out, "you're too old, get real and stay in your job"! That's a glimpse at what I grew up with- no support or guidance.
My grandmother is getting older now and can't do much on her own anymore, and so I moved in with her a few years ago- it's just me and her ... I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking every night now, and I hold a FT job- successfully, unlike my mother, who can't hold a job and never has been able to ... I do a lot for my grandmother, I'm here 24/7.
My mother, who only visits when she is in the area (she lives 45 minutes away). Usually we see my mother 4x a year plus holidays, that's it ... mindful, she doesn't work anymore and gave up looking to work-
My mother is funny, she called me 'screaming,' today~ how I don't do enough for my grandmother and i need to do more- I already clean, shop, cook every single night, and do everything that needs to be done around the house- when she wants to go places far, I drive her ... she still walks, she should keep up with that and not lose her legs. Am I wrong ?
She called screaming my grandmother shouldn't be doing her own laundry. And, that I'm a loser for not helping her ... OMG, I work- and when I'm not working, I'm home, helping her ... When is my time, where is my outlet ?? it's always about her, "I have a life, you live with her- do more" she says !
I'm tired of my family, I feel like running away- but obligation keeps me here, taking care of my grandmother ... And, the day she passes away, I could see my mother finding a way of saying, "it's your fault".
I am feeling down about myself- as if I'm existing, not living and I'm tired of hanging on .... I'm tired of just existing, my life is not mine.
Cut your ties with your mother. Get involved in positive activities whether it be church or some sort of other group. It is sad that your mother is the way that she is, but she is what she is. It's not your fault. Maybe a little counseling would help, going back to school will defnitely help you. Good luck.
imcurlybelle, your situation reminds me of some of mine. i have family members that think they can say anything. before i would ignore. no more. now if you come at me with ignorance you get it in return.
you need to tell your mom off! i would be straight brutal with it too. she WILL back off. it wont stop til you put her in her place. good luck.
with my family, a few had to be cursed out to get it. some people dont understand anything but being cursed at to back off.
I absolutely do not accept the notion of familial obligations if it's at the cost of your own life and happiness!
Dang! family can be such a drag.
A good family system wants each individual to find themselves and be happy.
An unhealthy family system is like crabs in a barrel .... one tries to climb out and all of the other crabs pull her back down.
I imagine that you're depressed because you are angry! and you feel trapped and believe that you do not have the right to have your own life.
You most certainly do.
We all do.
At some point, you may decide that it's time for you to gather up your courage, give the proverbial finger to your mother, pray that there is another way for your grandmother to be cared for and split! and find your own life and your own destiny.
In the mean time, cut ties with your mother if she can't stop being abusive toward you.
It's no wonder that you are depressed!
Until you have your freedom, be kind to yourself and find ways to get "fed" by other supportive people who are not family members so that you can start to find your wings so that at some point in the future, you can fly away to a better life.
In other words, do what you can do to strengthen yourself now so that by the time you are able to leave, you can do it with confidence.
You don't want to get more warn down than your are now.
Keep the hope and faith and dream your dreams while you await your release date. It'll come.
Not much I can say to this as I imagine that with staying with your g-ma, you can't exactly get away from your mother, but if there's any way of putting her on ignore, take it. She sounds like really bad news and I'm sorry you have to deal with her so just do all the relaxing, anti-stress things you can think of--there's a thread I started on health about that and people had great suggestions. And repeat this mantra: "This too shall pass." You sound like a wonderful person and you deserve so much better.
I can relate to the narcissistic mother thing. I have one and its the main reason why I've had issues with women. Its a shame it took me 40 years and a divorce to figure it out. You might want to get a book which is written specifically for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I ever be good enough" byKaryl McBride. Thoough its meant for women, I read it as a lot can also be applied to men. Its an eye opener. At the same time, I would recommend no contact with your Mother. At least read the book before talking to her again.
I can relate to a lot of what you write. My mother isn't narcissistic, but she is a toxic and manipulative person who favoured my 2 younger brothers and to this day, she refuses to acknowledge it. She also tried to ruin what little enthusiasm I had for studying, pushing me to move out ASAP instead of staying in school and going to university, as my 2 brothers did. Between her and her husband, they convinced me that I wasn't academic, but practical (in other words, too dumb for university).
I don't know what to suggest in your case, but I had to completely sever ties to just maintain my sanity. I tried the whole forgive and forget thing, but that didn't work.
In your case, what isn't fair is that you WORK full time. You cannot do everything...you have a right to a life too and you're still young enough to go back to university, if that's what you want to do. You clearly have the brains for it.
This is going to be long, I'm sorry. However, I don't want to open up to anyone I know (friends, etc ) and thought a public forum and stranger's view might point me in a different direction, shed some light ...
A brief scope, I have never gotten a long with my mother, she suffers from severe narcissistic behavior. And, that was validated by a Clinical Therapist years ago. My mother and my father split when I was 5, and I never met my father until I was in my mid-30s. He didn't want kids. When I was 34 he told me he was meeting me to just give me closure- he never wanted me, but my mother insisted on keeping me. Anyway, my mother was too young to deal, so my grandparents raised me from 5 on. ...
I'm in my 40s now- I talk to my mother now and then, but she is like a child, very mean-spirited towards me, always telling me how I should be a better daughter, be there for her, do more for her, and take care of her the way I take care of my grandmother ... When I was engaged, she sent my fiance a note, "you can do better- dump her". And, when my fiance and I would fight, he would bring that up, "your own mother thinks you're not worth anything".
My mother doesn't miss an opportunity to tell me what an unfit daughter I am, a loser. I recently told my family I wanted to head back to school FT and my mother flipped out, "you're too old, get real and stay in your job"! That's a glimpse at what I grew up with- no support or guidance.
My grandmother is getting older now and can't do much on her own anymore, and so I moved in with her a few years ago- it's just me and her ... I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking every night now, and I hold a FT job- successfully, unlike my mother, who can't hold a job and never has been able to ... I do a lot for my grandmother, I'm here 24/7.
My mother, who only visits when she is in the area (she lives 45 minutes away). Usually we see my mother 4x a year plus holidays, that's it ... mindful, she doesn't work anymore and gave up looking to work-
My mother is funny, she called me 'screaming,' today~ how I don't do enough for my grandmother and i need to do more- I already clean, shop, cook every single night, and do everything that needs to be done around the house- when she wants to go places far, I drive her ... she still walks, she should keep up with that and not lose her legs. Am I wrong ?
She called screaming my grandmother shouldn't be doing her own laundry. And, that I'm a loser for not helping her ... OMG, I work- and when I'm not working, I'm home, helping her ... When is my time, where is my outlet ?? it's always about her, "I have a life, you live with her- do more" she says !
I'm tired of my family, I feel like running away- but obligation keeps me here, taking care of my grandmother ... And, the day she passes away, I could see my mother finding a way of saying, "it's your fault".
I am feeling down about myself- as if I'm existing, not living and I'm tired of hanging on .... I'm tired of just existing, my life is not mine.
Years ago I read a book called "Toxic Parents" or something. Sounds as if yours fit the description.
There's also a book called How To Manage Your Mother by Alice Faye Cleese. I recommend reading it.
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I recently told my family I wanted to head back to school FT and my mother flipped out, "you're too old, get real and stay in your job"! That's a glimpse at what I grew up with- no support or guidance. 
