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Right now we (not me or spouse, but her husband) are trying to get DIL to go to marriage counseling. She has always been a person hard to make happy. My son is no saint, but she has been having fits of rage for some time. Two children about 6 years apart. The youngest is not a year yet. She says horrible things in front of children and belittles my son.
I will interject that she has been taking a prescribed diet medication for the pastcouple of months....Read the side effects and they are notgood.
Oldest child has taken on a lot of mother's actions.
She has no real friends, and the one trying to get her to accept the idea of counseling is now backing off because my DIL feels she is not in the wrong. She blames everyone, but I am at the top of the list. My husband and I have done so much for her. When they first moved to the area I encouraged her to join some clubs....I said I would watch the GD if a function or gathering was at night so she could attend.
The only activity she enjoys is shopping and this seems to be getting out of control.
She never tried anything. I was there at the drop of the hat when she got sick to pick up GD and take to my home. She was of the notion that everything would be rosy when they moved here. Life happens and we could not be the "Fairy Grandparents" that she expected. Illness within family, another grandchild, that I was not expecting.
This past weekend my son and GD spent the weekend with us and he is trying to decide what to do. This came about because she actually threw something at him while she was holding the baby. He told us of the hateful treatment that he has been going through. This along with the skewed views and hatred of us. We all know she needs help. I want to see her get help. From what I have read, these actions point to being bi-polar.
I want her to get better......we all want the marriage to work. Things that she has said about me and my husband are hurtful, but knowing it comes from someone who is ill.........well, I can understand.
How do you get help for someone who does not believe they are in this condition?
You cannot do anything. Your son is an adult, and this is his relationship. He needs to work it outand you just support your son, with whatever decision he makes. It really has nothing to do with you. You need to stay out of it, and say very little.
My son was dating a horrible woman. I detested her. She was everything I can not stand. He came over, told me all the rotten things she did, I hated her even more. He broke up with her, then, got back with her...drove me insane, especially after he had told me some of the things she had done. Well, the cycle repeated itself, and he came home to Mama..and I told him I did not want to hear about it, and gave him the phone number of an excellent Social Worker.
He finally did break it off with her. But for your own sanity, allowing him to vent to you will just drive you crazy, especially if he stays with her.
I wouldn't necessarily say her actions point to bi-polar...not at all...bi-polars also have times when they can be extrememly endearing and be as kind and thoughtful of others as someone without.....she just sounds frustrated(maybe her weights got her depressed)....never the less like jasper 12 said...this is the woman your son chooses to be with.....I would just try to be there as much as possible for the grandkids....
We are there to support him and whatever decision he makes. But he has said if the first child had not come so soon in the marriage, he would never have stayed married to her. His personality has gone from a joking fun-loving person to one who wears a mask. The mask only comes off when he is not with her. I know the complete picture can never be described in the few words on this page.
If she won't get help, encourage your son to seek counseling. Sometimes counseling can help a person learn how to cope and communicate with a spouse who is out of control. Or it can help him figure out if the marriage is worth salvaging.
Also, if his wife sees that he is trying for himself, she may be more willing to try herself.
I have been (to some degree) where your DIL is. I have had moments where I have become enraged. I can tell you it's NOT a good feeling. I think it's safe to say nobody likes getting like that.
Yes, it is up to her to learn some anger managment and self control, but those around her can also make some changes in order to difuse the situation.
I am not saying that people should walk on eggshells around a tyrant. But, I am saying, maybe each of you can really listen to her concerns and frustations and really consider if there might be SOME validity to her frustrations.
You mentioned how much you have helped her and your son. Is it possible that your well meaning help, may have been perceived as attempts at control and interfering? If there is any chance that that could be part of the problem, you might want to consider giving them some space. I am not assuming this is the case, I am only suggesting that it is something to consider.
Of course you wan't whats best for your son and your grandchildren. And of course a healthy mom is what every child needs. I hope that you are all able to find some solutions so that your family can't find some relief from this stressful situation.
I agree to stay out of it as much as humanly possible.
And your son should not be involving you in his marriage. Once a person shares the "bad" things their partner has done, ESPECIALLY with his parents, as your son has done with you, you can never see any good in his spouse again, even when he forgives and forgets.
Then they are tarnished forever.
I always tell friends to not get their families involved in their partnerships and never ever badmouth your partner to anyone. You will be sorry.
My MIL treated me horribly, which I believe was displacing her resentment toward her son upon me, because it's easier to demonize the spouse than actually confront the flaws in your own immediate family.
It was only after our divorce that my MIL realized the "bad guy" was her own son, because everything he was doing was still being done without me being present anymore to blame. (One major thing was borrowing money from her constantly, and then he could no longer say I was making him spend too much, which was his lie about me for years. Finally Mommy learned the truth!)
Better late than never to see that I was not to blame but a shame that so many years were wasted.
For the sake of their union, their children, and your sanity consider all this and try to remove yourself entirely.
I agree to stay out of it as much as humanly possible.
And your son should not be involving you in his marriage. Once a person shares the "bad" things their partner has done, ESPECIALLY with his parents, as your son has done with you, you can never see any good in his spouse again, even when he forgives and forgets.
Then they are tarnished forever.
I always tell friends to not get their families involved in their partnerships and never ever badmouth your partner to anyone. You will be sorry.
My MIL treated me horribly, which I believe was displacing her resentment toward her son upon me, because it's easier to demonize the spouse than actually confront the flaws in your own immediate family.
It was only after our divorce that my MIL realized the "bad guy" was her own son, because everything he was doing was still being done without me being
present anymore to blame. (One major thing was borrowing money from her constantly, and then he could no longer say I was making him spend too much, which was his lie about me for years. Finally Mommy learned the truth!)
Better late than never to see that I was not to blame but a shame that so many years were wasted.
For the sake of their union, their children, and your sanity consider all this and try to remove yourself entirely.
Wish you well ...
This is excellent advice. I do not bad mouth my DH to anyone and don't talk to others about it if we've had an argument. However, have made that mistake in the past and regretted it later. Not worth it. Also, I would be p'od if he did that to me so I live by the same.
OP, there are two sides to every story. I'm not saying there's anything to justify abusive behavior but in a lot of cases, not everyone tells the whole story. Putting oneself in the best light while painting the other horribly. May or may not be happening in your son's case but it could be.
These folks have kids and your son should be thinking of the environment the kids are living in. I understand he is probably looking to you for emotional support but sounds like it's time for him to take action since you can't fix anything for him. You also can't play armchair psychologist....you are way too involved if you're doing this. Her actions may point to a lot of things but you personally have no way of knowing. Diet meds could have a huge impact on her behavior. How do you get help for someone in this situation? You don't. It is between your son and his wife and she may not ever want the help. Beyond that, their relationship needs help....not just her.
You can be the soft place to land if your son leaves her, other than that I would stay out of it. I would also be careful in sharing your negative opinion of her, especially with your son. Those things have a way of backfiring in a miserable fashion. Especially if they stay together and really, even if they don't. She's the mother of your grandkids and she would likely end up with custody in a divorce. That's a lot to consider, IMO.
Shops too much? If she's throwing books around, how is a lot of shopping a big concern? Or even if things were going along fine.....the point is, it's their business and what she does, or doesn't do, in terms of interests is her business, not yours. You don't have to like it but why even care? My SIL has shopped her family into debt, big debt, and doesn't appear to have other interests. I wouldn't do it but meh....it's her life and her DH is still there, 25 years later. He chose not to file business taxes for years and the IRS has a lien on their home .
As described, the behavior sounds bad but your son isn't doing anything about the environment your grandkids are living in either. A shoulder to cry on is great and we all need one at times, but it doesn't solve anything. His lack of
action is also setting a bad example for the kids.
We are there to support him and whatever decision he makes. But he has said if the first child had not come so soon in the marriage, he would never have stayed married to her. His personality has gone from a joking fun-loving person to one who wears a mask. The mask only comes off when he is not with her. I know the complete picture can never be described in the few words on this page.
My son went thru similar behaviors from his wife...they have been separated now for over a year since she last left, this time going states away.
He never told us, he endured all of it silently...His brothers told me things after they broke up 2 years ago.
My DIL was hanging out w/ people that were going to bars w/ her, and she was acting terrible. she accused my son of being abusive, he even faced charges at one point. thank goodness that I work for an attorney, it was difficult, took lots of work. But, when she came to court, and was finally on the stand she said crazy things, like telling the judge about throwing things at my son, she admitted he had never touched her, and talked about not taking her psych meds when she planned on being out drinking...that's just a small example.
It was very stressful ruined my whole summer because I could see my son was giving up and I wouldn't let him, so I spent weeks helping gather evidence. Our court system really favors the accuser, especially female when there is an abuse accusation made. The judge ruled in my Son's favor, charges and protection order were dropped. He lectured Her.
Then after all this chaotic drama, they went back together. That lasted several mths, and she left again, w/out even telling my son. He found out when he went to pick her up from work.
Paramedics called me at work, he'd had an anxiety attack. It has taken him over a year to get back to himself...it is so hard watching your child go thru so much pain. But, when you live w/ a person that has severe mental illness it can destroy you.
My point is this...You can no more stay out of this than any mother could. You have got to protect those children, they really may be at risk if this woman is behaving like that. Your son should seek a consultation. He may even want to check on custody. All these behaviors can be documented, texts, threats etc.
Unless you all can do an intervention, something needs to be done before it gets worse. And w/ children, what you accept, you teach. You don't want them thinking this type behavior is normal.
It could also be post partum depression, have you explored that?
You may have to assist him, it is hard to come out of so much abuse and make logical rational decisions. But, that is what needs to be decided, unless she gets help immediately. IMO
Everyone has a breaking point. Horrible behavior is not "justifiable", but sometimes people can be pushed to the point of losing their rationality for a moment. Just as your son had an anxiety attack, sometimes wives, daughter in laws and mom's can be pushed to the point of losing control for a while.
Of course, if anyone is hurt in the process, it needs to be addressed. I only caution you against overreacting and not taking a look at both sides of the story.
Another poster mentioned that when someone tells a story, they usually paint themselves in the best light. We've all seen examples of this I'm sure. Just keep that in mind when empathising with your son and "stepping in to help the children".
Whether it's an axiety attack, a nervous breakdown, or an out of control hissy fit, I believe these things are usually triggered by the "fight or flight" reflex that we are all sometimes faced with.
For some the reaction is stronger than others. This depends on each individual, their life experiences and their "nature".
If this DIL is truly a danger to your son and to your grandchildren, then by all means, support your son in getting help. If, on the other hand, she "gets ugly" when backed into a corner (literally or figuratively) then y'all need to learn to give her some space. All I am sayin' is consider all angles before jumping to conclusions.
And yeah, I am coming from the perspective of the crazy DIL. I am trying to do it in a non-defensive and non-hostile way, just so you can have a glimpse of another perspective. I hope my attempts at expressing myself without offending or jumping to conlcusions are at least somewhat successful.
Perhaps instead of focusing on her, she might be more motivated to accept help if she and your son went to marital counseling together. Working as a team to improve their relationship could go a long way in helping the situation. And if she does need individual counseling, the marital counselor will eventually suggest it, and she may be more open-minded to hearing this from a professional.
I would recommend using a therapist who specializes in family and marriage therapy, if you have one in your area: TherapistLocator.net - Home Page
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