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She has finally agreed to counseling. I believe her father persuaded her....in any case, I am happy about this. Whatever the outcome, at least I know she is trying.
We are back to square one......backed off from the counseling. We took a step toward reconcilation when our son asked us to come babysit. She was upstairs when we came in and she breezed right past us never glancing our way. I was trying to make eye contact to say hello, but she would have nothing to do with us. My son is tying so hard.....we were there 4 hours with no real instructions as to baby's schedule. I know she trusts me to know what to do. I did rely on older child (7) as to what to feed the baby. When they returned she came in busying herself in the kitchen. We left soon after. My son said ----------, my parents are leaving. Not a word of thanks or goodbye. He just looked sad.........Have no idea where we go from here. I have even gone so far as to leave a message on the homephone, telling her we can put the past behind us, and go from there.
Should my son go to conseling on his own?......that is what I suggested. Maybe he could get advise on handling the situation.
Was she having the fits of rage prior to being prescribed the diet medication, I gather so. She might have backed out of counseling because she doesn't want to accept any blame or want the counselor judging her actions. Someone in my family wouldn't go for those very reasons. Throwing something at him when he was holding the kid would definitely scare me, I hope that hasn't happened again. Is she a capable caregiver or will she get angry and have some fit of temper when the child is crying. That part would worry me to the point of not wanting to leave her alone with the young children. It certainly wouldn't hurt if he went to a counselor, he might be able to encourage her to go with him at some point. Perhaps her dad can try and talk to her again about going and go with her. If he is the one that got her to initially agree, your son might try to have him talk to her again. Do your homework finding a counselor. There are very few that truly care. He doesn't want to be shelling out money to someone that mostly says nothing or has very little in the ways of ideas and constructive ways to deal with the situation. That will just make him more frustrated. Has she had a complete physical within the last year or so? It would be good to know there is nothing physical triggering these outbursts. It's smart to play a support role but I'm sure difficult to do.
In the end, there are only a few options aren't there. Keep on and hope she will see she needs help or take more drastic steps, that's up to him alone to decide. My concern would be how this is affecting the kids and are they in any potential danger due to her extreme temper. Will this have a lasting affect on the 7 year old and possibly shape his later childhood and adult life? Something else I'm sure your son has thought about. Very difficult situation, I hope things work out ok.
Right now we (not me or spouse, but her husband) are trying to get DIL to go to marriage counseling. She has always been a person hard to make happy. My son is no saint, but she has been having fits of rage for some time. Two children about 6 years apart. The youngest is not a year yet. She says horrible things in front of children and belittles my son.
I will interject that she has been taking a prescribed diet medication for the pastcouple of months....Read the side effects and they are notgood.
Oldest child has taken on a lot of mother's actions.
She has no real friends, and the one trying to get her to accept the idea of counseling is now backing off because my DIL feels she is not in the wrong. She blames everyone, but I am at the top of the list. My husband and I have done so much for her. When they first moved to the area I encouraged her to join some clubs....I said I would watch the GD if a function or gathering was at night so she could attend.
The only activity she enjoys is shopping and this seems to be getting out of control.
She never tried anything. I was there at the drop of the hat when she got sick to pick up GD and take to my home. She was of the notion that everything would be rosy when they moved here. Life happens and we could not be the "Fairy Grandparents" that she expected. Illness within family, another grandchild, that I was not expecting.
This past weekend my son and GD spent the weekend with us and he is trying to decide what to do. This came about because she actually threw something at him while she was holding the baby. He told us of the hateful treatment that he has been going through. This along with the skewed views and hatred of us. We all know she needs help. I want to see her get help. From what I have read, these actions point to being bi-polar.
I want her to get better......we all want the marriage to work. Things that she has said about me and my husband are hurtful, but knowing it comes from someone who is ill.........well, I can understand.
How do you get help for someone who does not believe they are in this condition?
I don't know how to say this, but you SO do not have a place here!TELL YOUR SON TO NOT PUT YOU IN THE MIDDLE. If she does not want to get help (and the suggestion must NOT come from you) your son should.
REFUSE to listen to his complaints about your daughter in law.
BE ON THE SIDE OF THE MARRIAGE. Do not listen to gossip and here say.
Even if your son has gossip about you, be strong and DO NOT LISTEN!
You have a very difficult situation. Your son, as you admit your self, is not with out his flaws.
The crazy thing is the more you involve yourself, the less chance they have to succeed, and the greater the possibility that some how YOU will look like the bad one.
Please don't fall into this trap.
Wishing you all of the best.
Sheena
PS - Get counseling for yourself - this can't be easy, and DO NOT ENGAGE IN THEIR DRAMA!
Right now we (not me or spouse, but her husband) are trying to get DIL to go to marriage counseling. She has always been a person hard to make happy. My son is no saint, but she has been having fits of rage for some time. Two children about 6 years apart. The youngest is not a year yet. She says horrible things in front of children and belittles my son.
I will interject that she has been taking a prescribed diet medication for the pastcouple of months....Read the side effects and they are notgood.
Oldest child has taken on a lot of mother's actions.
She has no real friends, and the one trying to get her to accept the idea of counseling is now backing off because my DIL feels she is not in the wrong. She blames everyone, but I am at the top of the list. My husband and I have done so much for her. When they first moved to the area I encouraged her to join some clubs....I said I would watch the GD if a function or gathering was at night so she could attend.
The only activity she enjoys is shopping and this seems to be getting out of control.
She never tried anything. I was there at the drop of the hat when she got sick to pick up GD and take to my home. She was of the notion that everything would be rosy when they moved here. Life happens and we could not be the "Fairy Grandparents" that she expected. Illness within family, another grandchild, that I was not expecting.
This past weekend my son and GD spent the weekend with us and he is trying to decide what to do. This came about because she actually threw something at him while she was holding the baby. He told us of the hateful treatment that he has been going through. This along with the skewed views and hatred of us. We all know she needs help. I want to see her get help. From what I have read, these actions point to being bi-polar.
I want her to get better......we all want the marriage to work. Things that she has said about me and my husband are hurtful, but knowing it comes from someone who is ill.........well, I can understand.
How do you get help for someone who does not believe they are in this condition?
Support your son and daughter in law as much as possible however, stay out of the situation no matter what. It is your son's marriage and they need to work things out, good, bad or indifferent THEY need to work it out and you and your husband need to stay out of the fray.
Be supportive, be loving, keep the grand children IF you can but say nothing about the situation either way.
If the marriage was so bad that he would not have stayed if the first child had not been born, why did they have a second child? This did not sound right. I would think that if she were so horrible that he would want himself and the child away from the situation unless she got help. Tell him that you will support any decision, actual decision he makes but that it makes you uncomfortable to be the sounding board so maybe he needs to speak with a counselor - this could be at a church if they have one. Sounds to me like they are both very immature. I would be concerned for your grandchildren.
Usually when parents are this involved they are part of the problem and not the solution.
Exactly.
I think the fact that the DIL ignored the parents is a major clue as to how she may feel about the situation with the in-laws. Maybe something about the son has changed now that they live close to his parents, which makes the DIL feel like a frustrated outsider.
I think the fact that the DIL ignored the parents is a major clue as to how she may feel about the situation with the in-laws. Maybe something about the son has changed now that they live close to his parents, which makes the DIL feel like a frustrated outsider.
Yes, and she is probably feeling embarrassed about their knowing all the details, angry at her situation in general, and frustrated at her own feelings.
The MIL needs to stop taking things personally and be there only for the grandchildren. Who cares if you had no instruction on the baby schedule? Who cares how long you were there? You can figure it out. If they can stay with grandma for a few hours of peace and fun, that is what they will remember. Back off from your DIL right now.
This will require a ton of restraint on Grandma's part, but TRYING to stay neutral and in support of their decisions will be the best. They daily play-by-plays from the son will not benefit anyone. He should vent to his own therapist.
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