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Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetnessJones
Sabride, I'd say "kill it before it lays eggs," but no-contact is probably more mature. Who cares if she gets old and ill and "needs you." Let her rot in her own filth. She deserves it.
Why do you seem to have so much hatred for parents who have mental disorders?
I agree that you must at some point come to the realization to have compassion for yourself and distance yourself. It is not healthy to hold onto hatred or ill feelings about parents who have mental disorders.
Why do you seem to have so much hatred for parents who have mental disorders?
I agree that you must at some point come to the realization to have compassion for yourself and distance yourself. It is not healthy to hold onto hatred or ill feelings about parents who have mental disorders.
I don't have "hatred," as you say. I have disdain, loathing, and more often indifference. But to read a story such as the one above and think that her mother did (and does) those things because she couldn't help it, or that she didn't know how to be a "stellar parent" is just ludicrious. Besides, personality disorders are quite different from mental illness. A chemical imbalance is a disease (such as bipolar disorder or depression). A personality disorder is altogether different. These wastes of oxygen are so destructive and do not deserve an ounce of sympathy from any of us. (BTW accusing someone of "hatred" is a common ad hominem argument to downplay their concerns, much like a narcissist calling someone "oversensitive." Nice try though.)
If you want to keep a personality disordered parent in your life, that's your choice, but to act as if these poor little lambs just couldn't help but ruin the lives of their children because they "didn't know any better" is short sighted and negligent. Were you the "golden child" of one by any chance?
Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
7,484 posts, read 10,444,054 times
Reputation: 8955
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetnessJones
I don't have "hatred," as you say. I have disdain, loathing, and more often indifference. But to read a story such as the one above and think that her mother did (and does) those things because she couldn't help it, or that she didn't know how to be a "stellar parent" is just ludicrious. Besides, personality disorders are quite different from mental illness. A chemical imbalance is a disease (such as bipolar disorder or depression). A personality disorder is altogether different. These wastes of oxygen are so destructive and do not deserve an ounce of sympathy from any of us. (BTW accusing someone of "hatred" is a common ad hominem argument to downplay their concerns, much like a narcissist calling someone "oversensitive." Nice try though.)
If you want to keep a personality disordered parent in your life, that's your choice, but to act as if these poor little lambs just couldn't help but ruin the lives of their children because they "didn't know any better" is short sighted and negligent. Were you the "golden child" of one by any chance?
I think you fail to understand that most of us are victims of victims. Most parents are incompetent in raising children and incapable of providing a healthy atmosphere. Most families are dysfunctional.
Sitting around angry and playing victim all the while pointing the finger of blame in the direction of your parents is not going to get you very far in life...as a matter of fact it will ruin your life. I am thankful that I did not sit on my ass crying about my unbelievable childhood of severe abuse. It greatly motivated me to become very independent, resourceful, compassionate and wise. As a matter of fact it catapulted me eons ahead of most people when it comes to learning life lessons and overcoming difficult obstacles. But if I had chosen to see myself as a victim and hang on to blame and hatred I would certainly be one miserable unsuccessful human right now.
I don't like the feelings of disdain or loathing...that is poison that I don't want to feel or hold in my consciousness.
Separation from toxic parents is good but doing it with feelings of loathing and disdain will only hinder your progress and personal growth. Walk away and then find peace and compassion for their ignorance and suffering which lead to their incompetence as a parent.
BTW a mental disorder is a psychological pattern and narcissism falls into this.
And HELL NO I was never the Golden Child to either one of them. I am lucky to have survived and turn my life into a success. Most people on this planet would never be able to overcome the horror that I endured.
I think you fail to understand that most of us are victims of victims. Most parents are incompetent in raising children and incapable of providing a healthy atmosphere. Most families are dysfunctional.
Sitting around angry and playing victim all the while pointing the finger of blame in the direction of your parents is not going to get you very far in life...as a matter of fact it will ruin your life. I am thankful that I did not sit on my ass crying about my unbelievable childhood of severe abuse. It greatly motivated me to become very independent, resourceful, compassionate and wise. As a matter of fact it catapulted me eons ahead of most people when it comes to learning life lessons and overcoming difficult obstacles. But if I had chosen to see myself as a victim and hang on to blame and hatred I would certainly be one miserable unsuccessful human right now.
I don't like the feelings of disdain or loathing...that is poison that I don't want to feel or hold in my consciousness.
Separation from toxic parents is good but doing it with feelings of loathing and disdain will only hinder your progress and personal growth. Walk away and then find peace and compassion for their ignorance and suffering which lead to their incompetence as a parent.
BTW a mental disorder is a psychological pattern and narcissism falls into this.
And HELL NO I was never the Golden Child to either one of them. I am lucky to have survived and turn my life into a success. Most people on this planet would never be able to overcome the horror that I endured.
I'm not even sure how to respond to this. If you were addressing the "sit on my ass crying" at me, then you should aim that poison somewhere else. This is a forum (thread) where we discuss our PD parents. I'm sure most of us are able to live productive lives outside of communicating with each other here. What we haven't done so far in this thread is attack each other.
Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
7,484 posts, read 10,444,054 times
Reputation: 8955
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetnessJones
I'm not even sure how to respond to this. If you were addressing the "sit on my ass crying" at me, then you should aim that poison somewhere else. This is a forum where we discuss our PD parents. I'm sure most of us are able to live productive lives outside of communicating with each other here. What we haven't done so far in this thread is attack each other.
No that was not an attack directed at you. Sorry you took it that way.
I have heard this broken record my entire life form people on this planet. Blame it on their family for being a loser or being angry.
I don't buy into that mantra. You create your life by the choices you make, the way you view things and how you choose to process things.
I think you fail to understand that most of us are victims of victims. Most parents are incompetent in raising children and incapable of providing a healthy atmosphere. Most families are dysfunctional.
Sitting around angry and playing victim all the while pointing the finger of blame in the direction of your parents is not going to get you very far in life...as a matter of fact it will ruin your life. I am thankful that I did not sit on my ass crying about my unbelievable childhood of severe abuse. It greatly motivated me to become very independent, resourceful, compassionate and wise. As a matter of fact it catapulted me eons ahead of most people when it comes to learning life lessons and overcoming difficult obstacles. But if I had chosen to see myself as a victim and hang on to blame and hatred I would certainly be one miserable unsuccessful human right now.
I don't like the feelings of disdain or loathing...that is poison that I don't want to feel or hold in my consciousness.
Separation from toxic parents is good but doing it with feelings of loathing and disdain will only hinder your progress and personal growth. Walk away and then find peace and compassion for their ignorance and suffering which lead to their incompetence as a parent.
BTW a mental disorder is a psychological pattern and narcissism falls into this.
And HELL NO I was never the Golden Child to either one of them. I am lucky to have survived and turn my life into a success. Most people on this planet would never be able to overcome the horror that I endured.
This post is one of the best I've come across on C-D. Ever.
And the last part of it, is very true....
Last edited by believe007; 01-15-2013 at 12:38 PM..
Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
7,484 posts, read 10,444,054 times
Reputation: 8955
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene
Absolutely! You can view yourself as a victim and feel sorry for yourself or you can view yourself as a survivor and take control of your life.
Yes and never look back in anger!
The truth of the matter is that most of us have suffered at the abuses of our parents at some level but if you don't let go of that anger, blame and self-pity you will never evolve.
I think it is one of the most difficult lessons learn. How to reckon with your parents...for those of us who had horrible upbringings? How you distance yourself, how you forgive, how you move on, how you let go of all of the hurt and anger, how to cultivate compassion for yourself and for them is going to be different for each of us but the most important thing is to make sure you deal with it vs. putting it on a back burner.
I have evolved. I have moved from being the peice of dirt homeless 17 year old that my narcissistic mother did everything to ensure that I could and would be into an investment banker doing well in live, written up in the paper on a variety of issues and living a good life. Not a "one percenter" life or anything but I am doing well.
My narcissistic mother still tries to throw sticks into the wheels of everything I do, from relationships to jobs to even something as stupid as getting a realtor to not want to return my calls because my mother found out I was dealing with him and made sure he thought that I was going to be just a time waster.
I'm still loathing. Still angry. Still royally P-SSED off that no matter what I do, completely independently of her, she has to wriggle her way in and try to fulfill the "image" of me that she clings to since before she met me that I was a hard done by kid she adopted (and therefore got to play the martyr) who was never going to amount to anything and she did yeoman's duty looking after me until she kicked me out at 16... and then permanently at 17... and then made sure I couldnt get youth supports from social services because she had to maintain her perfect public image but kept me homeless nonetheless - despite living two doors away and countless "reunion dinners" where I thought I was going to entertain what the "ground rules of me moving home" were but only being greeted with a hug and "it is so much better now that you don't live here anymore - nice to see you again"
Growing up with a narcissistic parent leaves deep, wounding, long lasting scars. The very realization that it was all for no real purpose hurts even more, and puts all the deep and shallow cuts into even more perspective because you realize that there was no rational thought nor explanation for doing so and that it was not only done intentionally, but with the whole scheme that it was just to kick up dust to watch the dust fly.
Like you say - we should stop it and evolve. We have. We are here at this realization that it's the end of the line. What about them? Should they perhaps not mentally, physically, and indirectly or directly sexually abuse their children and stop thinking only of themselves and their glass ego for a few short minutes and "evolve", and realize that they are now parents and it's time to grow the F up and start parenting???
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I am lucky to have survived and turn my life into a success. Most people on this planet would never be able to overcome the horror that I endured.
