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So, I've been feeling down the last few days. Every few months I get into this funk..this homesickness, I guess. Six months ago I moved 600 miles away from home to better my life (career wise). Like a little kid "I wanna go home". I remind myself of what going home does for me. Its like a drug. It feel so good at first-- to see the family, friends and the pets. Its like going back in time, time travel, if you will. Everything is done for me, from my cooking to laundry. After a few days, though it gets boring and old. My parents get into this same old rut of "you gotta lose weight"; "you gotta get a handle on your money" etc. I was scheduled to do OT on Thursday and called in. I also called in Friday This isn't the first time. I've called in a handful of times Its the first company, where it seems as if nothing happens. I don't get "taken aside" or "spoken to" for calling in. Life goes on. I decided to be on the safe side and ask how this will affect me. My manager said it play a "huge role" in my 90 day review. When that came, though, nothing was brought up. No where on the review sheet did it say anything about attendance. I got a "fully meets expectations", and was praised for my hard work. With that said, I am terrified of going in tomorrow. I don't know why, I guess I am. I have had fears about my badge not working. I know that I need a write up first and it goes in stages, but I've been having panic attacks. This has happened before and I told my self "never again", but I did OT last week and was scheduled to do this this week. I did wed 5-9 and was scheduled to do 2:30-11 on Thursday, but obviously that didn't happen. I am obviously depressed. I sat and watched Netflix all day on those days. That also leads to me going on fast food runs, which isn't good for my health or my wallet! I look at my passport, where I was about 60 lbs lighter (2004). I want to be that again. I want to see a Nutritionist (its free through work) and go on a diet, I really do. I have al ot of good intentions in my mind, but I just can't seem to get motivated to do them.
I went on my first date since my ex last night. She wrote me first, actually. I hardly get emails on dating sites first. I looked at her profile and she seemed very nice. She is a librarian. After looking at her profile (Okcupid where you can answer questions about yourself and it gives you a certain % match), I noticed she said that she has never been in a relationship and she was still a virgin. I thought it was a bit odd at 27, but still whatever. When we met, I kinda saw why. She defiantly is one that can busy herself-- big into reading, movies, tv and in plays. Obviously no room for a relationship. Although we had a good time, I noticed that it was a lot of "let's talk about me, me, me" with her. She hardly asked the "and what about you" questions. On top of that, she doesn't have unlimited texting and made a point of telling me Verizon told her that she's at 90% texting. She also said that she's not a phone person. I asked what would be the best way to get in touch with her. She struggled to answer and said "I don't know... email?" but quickly said she isn't one to get on the PC, either. So $27 later, and I'll never hear from her again. Oh well. Last night I decided to delete both my POF and Okcupid profiles.... then I realized that there were a few other people I wanted on there so I found a middle ground of deleting them off my phone. It feels good not to get the alerts, not to be woken up at 3am with an alert, and also not that disappointing feeling to grab my phone when I wake and not see any alerts period (I know, can't win).
I want to delete my profiles all together. I can't help but feel when I go on a date "well, the fun is going to end because I'll never hear from them again!" I want to get out and meet people in "real life", but I don't know how. I've looked at meetup.org, but most of those people are twice my age. I don't have any coworkers my age and all my friends don't have any single friends.
I am lucky with my apartment, but I can't win with the temp. In the summer months, its over 90 in here and I sit in my bedroom with the A/C unit on. I got a high electric bill of $80 and said it was due to the A/C running, and once it gets into the winter months I should see it drop. Now that its winter, I have the heat on (electric heat) I got a bill of $192! I thought that must have been wrong (I even made a post at CD for it). My LL was nice enough to come show me how to set the heat, and the bill dropped to $109. Still too much for me, so I decided to shut off the heat all together. I have a small heater I plug in when I'm home and warm my hands when they get cold. I sleep in street clothes, usually.
I guess I don't really know what I'm asking here, more rambling. More wanting to know what you do. I, mean..do you ever feel like this? Do you ever sit in your apartment all lonely? How do you cope?
Can't tell you what to do ... but feel sad for you ... you are still young (I know your age doesn't matter - I was your age once and nothing mattered) ... and I can't say things will get better ... or worse ... do you have any siblings that you are close to? Any friends you keep in touch? You have to find something in yourself worth fighting for ... do you have any hobbies or things you enjoy doing .. do you have access to a doctor that you can talk to? It just might be a chemical imbalance that causes you to go through these 'periods' of depression ... been lonely almost my whole life ... but prefer being alone now ... takes a lot of energy to 'engage' with others and sometimes it's not worth it .. especially if you've been rejected and don't want to get hurt again. (that's what happened to my son - his fiancee dumped him on their vacation almost twelve years ago and he has never gone out with anyone since ... ) ... you are the one who decides what your life will be .. and sometimes you get hurt or fail .. but you will never know unless you try. Hope someone on c-d can help you ..
Oh sure, getting the blues or melancholy is perfectly normal. Those down moods balance out the up and happy moods. What I usually do is get up and go for some physical exercise of some sort--gym, walk, bike, dance. It sends all those good endorphins dancing through my system
Could you try to meet someone whose interests match yours through some sort of group or club? Meet-up or an activity group? Then you'll know you have something already in common...
Another cool help for depression or the blues is to do something nice for someone else...
Make that appt with the free nutritionist...eating a junky diet can result in junky thoughts--all those additives and chemicals, you know?
So you call in sick to work, but can go get fast food, watch TV, and go on a date?
When I am sick, I am stuck in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. I don't feel like going anywhere. I think I worked at one job for a year without calling in sick once!
Although work is the most important priority to me as that is what pays the bills. Fun and other things are a lower priority.
You haven't fully " launched" off into life on your own yet. You made the basic move- got an apartment and a job elsewhere. However, you still prefer the cocoon at home. That's where you get to be the kid again and mommy takes care of all your needs. ( cooks, cleans, etc.) Time to grow up.
Start taking small steps toward full independence. Next you go home, get off your butt and act like an adult. Do your own wash, mow the lawn for your parents, make them breakfast, etc.
Join a meet up group or several where you now live. Stop worrying about their ages. The idea is to make friends ( friends don't ave to be your age), have fun and get out of the house to share enjoyable activities with other like minded people. Socializing lifts depression. Sooner or later you'll also come across some that wil be similar in age to you.
See a doctor - sometimes depression can be organic, sometimes we create our own. If its organic, then meds may help. Look for an inexpensive or free clinic.
Lose weight- join a gym ( good way to socialize too) some are very inexpensive to join, go for walks, get out of the house. Hauling around a lot of extra weight is hard on the heart and can cause you to feel tired all the time. If not a gym, then find classes. Your town may have adult ed classes for exercise.
Yes, you can get down in the dumps sometimes, we all do. But you also have to recognize when it happens and take steps to fix it.
Don't sabotage yourself. Take care of your job, if you have time to date, then you have time for overtime. Jobs are too difficult to come by, don't take a chance on losing this one for silly reasons.
Right now you're screwing up at work, deliberately, multiple times. Are you trying to get fired so you can go home and be a little boy again ?
If you want to be an adult, then take charge of your life. You've got a lot more going for you than you realize. Your own place, you've moved out and away, can support yourself, have a stable job. Don't toss that away.
No I did not get home sick while at home. I guess maybe I should say every few weeks I get home sick. I moved away in April 2012, and I'm fine for a few months and then get into this funk.
How long have you had panic attacks? Have you ever been on any meds for them or for depression? For those that don't have them they can be very physically debilitating, with many types of effects from having trouble breathing to twitching to dry heaves. So They really can make one sick and unable to function. If are not on any meds you might try the herb Passion Flower. Everyone is different regarding what meds/herbs help, but its worth a try and its cheap.
How about looking into taking a Tai Chi class? That can be beneficial for the mind and body and can even be used as a defense if attacked. You might read up on it, I think it might be helpful to you. Or Yoga might also be useful both from the physical aspect and can be calming as well. If there is a Buddhist temple in your area, they have meditation for beginners. Some also have weekend mindful study trips. You might meet some friends that way too.
I think the first thing you have to do is work on getting the panic attacks under control. After that, I would set some short and longer term goals. One of the first would be go see the nutritionist. I have severe anxiety attacks, they really control me, and also severe depression, I'm treatment resistant, this can create a great deal of stress. I take herbs to help the immune system (garlic capsules) and also one that is excellent for the heart (Hawthorne Berries). I think my taking the herbs over the years has helped me cope some better at least with the constant stress. Do you like yogurt? I love it, and it is good for ya. Have you ever had any recipes made with Tofu? Tofu takes on the flavor of what its cooked with. I used to make Tofu lasanga a lot (meatless), it was very good. Tofu is very high in protein too. There are lots of Tofu recipes online, many very simple. It might be a good tool to use with your diet. You want to set realistic goals with your diet too, realize it takes some time. You don't want to have that get ya all upset and stressed if you feel frustrated with your progress. Do you like any kinds of sports? You might be able to find a health club that would be helpful to your diet and exercise plan. Have you looked for meet ups for walking or running to lose some weight? You might find some people that way and then you can kind of help each other to keep going and meeting your goals. So there are really lots of things out there. Try and look ahead and concentrate this year on you.
You mentioned you liked seeing the pets when you went home. Have you ever thought of volunteering at an animal shelter in the area? Most of the volunteers are usually female. These people tend to be a down to earth giving types. It might be a good place to meet some friends and you would be doing something to help the animals in need.
The dating sites are hit and miss. You don't necessarily need to remove your profile from the sites, but try to not take it so seriously. After all right now your priorities are getting yourself in first rate shape. So putting off the dating sites, or just say you are there to meet friends for now, that takes the pressure off. If you are lonely, there are penpal sites online (one is called Interpals) and most of these people from all over the world are just looking for friends, interesting conversation, sometimes they are trying to learn English. You might meet some people there just as friends and have that to look forward to when you come home. Most of the solid long lasting relationships start as friends anyway. Use this time to get yourself on track, you can do it. Best of Luck to you.
Todd,
Thank you so much for your reply. I have had mild panic attacks for about 5 years now. For the first two years, I thought it was "just me". I went to google and ta-da, it wasn't just me and about 3 years ago I was put on a very mild dose of Paxil. That really helped me and I am not nearly as worried as I use to be about simple life events (eg going to work, birthday parties, holiday dinners and other social functions).
What a wonderful idea on the volunteering at a local animal shelter. I've never gave any thought of that, but am interested in looking into it, now. I agree with you about the dating sites. I need to put "less stock" into it. I need to start to work on myself more. I like the fact that the okcupid and POF apps are no longer on my phone. It takes a lot of pressure off I feel. Knowing that the apps will alert me via "push notificiation" when I get new messages, but still going into the app several times a day, regardless (well maybe I did get a message). It was dibliting on the okcupid app and site to see all these people that obviously checked out my profile because I wrote them, but then I'll notice that sometimes these people will go back onto my profile several hours, or days after. I'll then begin to think "well, maybe they're having second thoughts and do want to talk to me!" Of course, the mail never comes.
Todd,
Thank you so much for your reply. I have had mild panic attacks for about 5 years now. For the first two years, I thought it was "just me". I went to google and ta-da, it wasn't just me and about 3 years ago I was put on a very mild dose of Paxil. That really helped me and I am not nearly as worried as I use to be about simple life events (eg going to work, birthday parties, holiday dinners and other social functions).
What a wonderful idea on the volunteering at a local animal shelter. I've never gave any thought of that, but am interested in looking into it, now. I agree with you about the dating sites. I need to put "less stock" into it. I need to start to work on myself more. I like the fact that the okcupid and POF apps are no longer on my phone. It takes a lot of pressure off I feel. Knowing that the apps will alert me via "push notificiation" when I get new messages, but still going into the app several times a day, regardless (well maybe I did get a message). It was dibliting on the okcupid app and site to see all these people that obviously checked out my profile because I wrote them, but then I'll notice that sometimes these people will go back onto my profile several hours, or days after. I'll then begin to think "well, maybe they're having second thoughts and do want to talk to me!" Of course, the mail never comes.
I totally know what you're going through regarding your move and not feeling fully integrated yet in your new city. It can feel very isolating and create vicious cycle of never wanting to leave your apartment which is safe and familiar.
I went through the same experience when I first moved to Chicago and didn't know anyone. I also went through that when I lived abroad and didn't speak the native language. The only way I got out of my funk - because I tend to be a home body type person - is that I had to force myself to choose community-based activities to do like volunteer and also community sports.
Sounds like you need to structure your social life with activities that will introduce you to a diverse set of people. The pet shelter volunteering is a good suggestion.
So, my suggestions to help you get out of your funk:
Community sports in your city (co-ed is best, because you'll get to meet girls your age that way)
Meetup.com - great social networking website. Free membership. You can attend Meetup groups created by other people, or you can create your own Meetup group based on your interests.
If you are a religious person, then you may want to call around to different churches of your faith and see if they have Young Adult Groups that have social hours.
One thing I like to do is take my laundry to the laundromat. Every weekend it's like a ritual for me. I grab a cup of coffee, a crosswords book or magazine, and go hang out for a few hours while I do my laundry. You can meet some interesting people that way too.
Sit down and do an inventory of what your interests in life are. What hobbies did you participate in back home? Make a list of your interests or hobbies, then go online and Google your city to see if those are offered in your city.
For example, every city has a community radio station. Go volunteer as a volunteer programmer with a community radio show that intrigues you. I did that for 4 years in my city and met a ton of creative people that way and had a lot of fun.
Or if you want to be a volunteer, Google "volunteer opportunities" and the name of your city, and see what organizations pop up in the search box.
Your depression is situational and completely normal. But it's time for you to acclimate to your new city and that means getting involved, meeting new people through activities that you would enjoy. Then before you know it, a year will pass by and you'll have more friends than when you started. You'll be a lot happier.
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