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So, i've been having a bout of depression lately and wanted to get some feedback on what I can do to resolve this situation.
The gist of it is that I was a bit of a very late bloomer, heavily career focused in my 20s and hardly dated. My first sexual experience was at 32 and that did not go down well at all. I'm 42 now and in the past 10 years I've had one sexual failure after another, most likely due to severe performance anxiety (but at the point it's unknown if I have other medical issues as well, but since I do get persistent morning erections that hold it may just be psychological) that I have not adequately addressed. Throw in a few sexually dysfunctional girlfriends who either:
a) had no interest in sex so that continued the status quo (i.e. me avoiding sexual situations due to my anxiety and they not being interested in sex)
or
b) had high interest in sex but were not patient with my sexual inexperience
I now find myself in the unenviable situation of being a man of 42 and not had proper sexual intercourse despite having reasonable amount of chances (I would say 10+ willing partners in my life).
I have very few friends I can talk to about something like this so I had to divulge this issue to my sister, brother and my parents... although I hate talking about stuff like this with them I really had no choice but they have been rather supportive. I did engage a therapist once but he was extremely expensive and insurance did not cover it. I felt the costs of treatment for my anxiety were causing me to be even more anxious which can the subject of some stand up comedian I guess about the state of medical affairs in this country, but I digress.
I have this cloud over my head of being a complete failure in life for not being able to perform the most basic function every man should be able to perform, not being able to please my partner because of it. I also feel I have missed out on being physical close to many people like my ex girlfriends. The shame and humiliation are in my head everyday.
I know some people who go for many years without sexual intimacy so maybe i'm not such an outcast after all? I don't know.
How can I possibly turn this around? I know it's late in my life and I want to have kids etc. but I don't know how and it's causing me a lot of depression.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. After a while, it does become like a weight you bear every day.
In order to avoid making the depression symptoms worse, I would take it step by step. Don't look at "the big picture," the way you described it here.
Proceed with medical appointments to get to the source of the problem. You probably will need a combination of medical and psych/emotional help, but at least start with a doctor to pinpoint any medical factors, which hopefully will be partially or fully covered by insurance.
So, i've been having a bout of depression lately and wanted to get some feedback on what I can do to resolve this situation.
The gist of it is that I was a bit of a very late bloomer, heavily career focused in my 20s and hardly dated. My first sexual experience was at 32 and that did not go down well at all. I'm 42 now and in the past 10 years I've had one sexual failure after another, most likely due to severe performance anxiety (but at the point it's unknown if I have other medical issues as well, but since I do get persistent morning erections that hold it may just be psychological) that I have not adequately addressed. Throw in a few sexually dysfunctional girlfriends who either:
a) had no interest in sex so that continued the status quo (i.e. me avoiding sexual situations due to my anxiety and they not being interested in sex)
or
b) had high interest in sex but were not patient with my sexual inexperience
I now find myself in the unenviable situation of being a man of 42 and not had proper sexual intercourse despite having reasonable amount of chances (I would say 10+ willing partners in my life).
I have very few friends I can talk to about something like this so I had to divulge this issue to my sister, brother and my parents... although I hate talking about stuff like this with them I really had no choice but they have been rather supportive. I did engage a therapist once but he was extremely expensive and insurance did not cover it. I felt the costs of treatment for my anxiety were causing me to be even more anxious which can the subject of some stand up comedian I guess about the state of medical affairs in this country, but I digress.
I have this cloud over my head of being a complete failure in life for not being able to perform the most basic function every man should be able to perform, not being able to please my partner because of it. I also feel I have missed out on being physical close to many people like my ex girlfriends. The shame and humiliation are in my head everyday.
I know some people who go for many years without sexual intimacy so maybe i'm not such an outcast after all? I don't know.
How can I possibly turn this around? I know it's late in my life and I want to have kids etc. but I don't know how and it's causing me a lot of depression.
I understand how you feel somewhat. I looked into therapy for my anxiety too and although I can afford it, I just don't want to pay for it. I doubt it would've helped me anyway. I think that only (legal) drugs might, so I have a stash to use when needed.
OP, the first thing you have to understand, and not just intellectually, is that you and you alone are responsible for your happiness. to that end you need to start working on yourself through mediation, tai chi, etc.
you need to bring balance to your life. once that is done, then you need to become what in the animal world is known as a pack leader. you need to increase your confidence, again in what ever manner is appropriate. start by being the best person and best at what ever job you do.
to increase your confidence sexually, you then need to find a friend with benefits who will take her time with you, and who will teach you how to please her and what to look for to know that you are indeed pleasing her. women are not all the same in what pleases them but like most people, you will know when you do something that does please them.
also learn to take your time with a woman. foreplay isnt just giving her a kiss or two and then going at it.
OP, the first thing you have to understand, and not just intellectually, is that you and you alone are responsible for your happiness. to that end you need to start working on yourself through mediation, tai chi, etc.
you need to bring balance to your life. once that is done, then you need to become what in the animal world is known as a pack leader. you need to increase your confidence, again in what ever manner is appropriate. start by being the best person and best at what ever job you do.
to increase your confidence sexually, you then need to find a friend with benefits who will take her time with you, and who will teach you how to please her and what to look for to know that you are indeed pleasing her. women are not all the same in what pleases them but like most people, you will know when you do something that does please them.
also learn to take your time with a woman. foreplay isnt just giving her a kiss or two and then going at it.
This! Practise on a woman whom you are not in love with and who knows about your issues.
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