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I am not mentally ill, but my mother and my brother are both seriously mentally ill, and my son has a raging case of PTSD which he refuses to get treatment for and instead is fast becoming an alcoholic.
My brother's mental illness is very well controlled with meds, and he has responded beautifully and successfully to therapy. He is doing well overall and lives independently, though he is very involved with local mental healthcare resources, which he needs to maintain the successes he's achieved by admitting he has a problem, addressing the problem, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. However, he is still mentally ill and more fragile than most people.
My mother is in complete denial about her mental health issues. Not only is she bipolar (and has been for decades) - she also has damage from a stroke, and now has vascular dementia (early stage) as well. She is very difficult to deal with and her situation is heartbreaking. She is currently in a behavioral health facility and will probably return home (and that's a whole other adventure) in a week or two. Meanwhile, she is angry with her family and is steadfastly refusing to conform to any treatment plan.
My son just called me drunk (he's in another country so it is night time where he is) and began going on about knowing he has a problem and asking for my advice. This was after an hour long conversation with my brother about my mother. This was after a four hour drive for a one hour visit with my mom and her therapists yesterday - an ordeal I get to repeat tomorrow. My dad has health issues so if he is unable to care for my mom - guess who is next in line to manage the care of my mother, and my brother to some extent as well? (He is 100 percent disabled.)
My husband and I just spent the last three years deeply involved with both his parents as their health declined and they eventually died just a few months apart late last year. His mom had Alzheimers and that is what killed her and we ended up being her guardian for most of last year - OMG. What a tragedy it is for someone to die of Alzheimers. It is the worst thing in the world to watch happen to someone. The last two years of her life, her mind was just not working.
I say all that not for pity but to open up a conversation about how mental illness affects family members. Sometimes I think there's just not enough of me to go around and I want to tell everyone that it's my turn to let someone take care of me - or to at least take care of myself for a change.
Mental illness is a huge strain on families. Do those of you with mentally ill family members agree? What about those of you who have mental illnesses - do you realize the strain that this places on those who love you?
The families of people suffering from SMI that I have worked with often take one of two paths. Either leaving their family member completely in the care of social service agencies (supported housing, day treatment etc) or stay in their lives continuing the "parental" role.
A delicate balance is usually optimum. Families, clients and support services working closely together.
Family members can become overwhelmed with the complexities of dealing with all the issues of serious mental illness and seniors with SMI are more complex yet.
I am sure you are familiar with the support services in your area (NAMI comes to mind). You know the flight attendant directive......put the O2 mask on first before you assist your SO.
Mental illness is a huge strain on families. Do those of you with mentally ill family members agree? What about those of you who have mental illnesses - do you realize the strain that this places on those who love you?
I don't know what you mean by this.
Even if we 'realized' the strain, what exactly are we to do? Mental illness is just that - a disease that we can manage, but cannot cure.
Are we to apologize for the illness?
I sense a tone of blame or anger behind this question.
The families of people suffering from SMI that I have worked with often take one of two paths. Either leaving their family member completely in the care of social service agencies (supported housing, day treatment etc) or stay in their lives continuing the "parental" role.
A delicate balance is usually optimum. Families, clients and support services working closely together.
Family members can become overwhelmed with the complexities of dealing with all the issues of serious mental illness and seniors with SMI are more complex yet.
I am sure you are familiar with the support services in your area (NAMI comes to mind). You know the flight attendant directive......put the O2 mask on first before you assist your SO.
Oh yes, I have taken the 13 week NAMI course for family members and I am so glad I did so!
That balance is still very tricky to find and keep.
Even if we 'realized' the strain, what exactly are we to do? Mental illness is just that - a disease that we can manage, but cannot cure.
Are we to apologize for the illness?
I sense a tone of blame or anger behind this question.
Maybe what you're picking up is fatigue and emotional drain from dealing with all the issues of mental illness in people that I love. Because it IS draining. It IS a huge emotional strain. And guess what - I don't feel guilty for admitting that, or expressing that. It's especially draining when a loved one refuses to address their own mental illness - or is in denial about it, or is self medicating with substances, or goes off their meds when they begin to feel good, etc.
I am very appreciative of people like my brother, who takes responsibility for his own treatment and therapy and who is faithful to stick with it. Like he and I say all the time, "mentally ill" and "crazy" mean two totally different things. Just because someone is mentally ill doesn't mean that they "act crazy." Mental illness, like you say, can be managed but to be successfully managed requires the full cooperation and buy in from the mentally ill person. When it's not managed - wow.
I just wondered if many people with mental illness take the time to stop and consider the emotional needs and issues of those people who love them. The reason I ask is because from my personal perspective, that seems rare. My brother is the only one in my family (a family where unfortunately mental illness is far too common) who seems to show any concern in that regard. I just wondered if other families are different.
Maybe what you're picking up is fatigue and emotional drain from dealing with all the issues of mental illness in people that I love. Because it IS draining. It IS a huge emotional strain. And guess what - I don't feel guilty for admitting that, or expressing that. It's especially draining when a loved one refuses to address their own mental illness - or is in denial about it, or is self medicating with substances, or goes off their meds when they begin to feel good, etc.
I am very appreciative of people like my brother, who takes responsibility for his own treatment and therapy and who is faithful to stick with it. Like he and I say all the time, "mentally ill" and "crazy" mean two totally different things. Just because someone is mentally ill doesn't mean that they "act crazy." Mental illness, like you say, can be managed but to be successfully managed requires the full cooperation and buy in from the mentally ill person. When it's not managed - wow.
I just wondered if many people with mental illness take the time to stop and consider the emotional needs and issues of those people who love them. The reason I ask is because from my personal perspective, that seems rare. My brother is the only one in my family (a family where unfortunately mental illness is far too common) who seems to show any concern in that regard. I just wondered if other families are different.
I'm only going to address your first sentence and last paragraph because it's late and I really should be asleep lol. I'm also going to apologize in advance for any errors as I am on my phone.
I do not think that you should feel guilty nor apologize for feeling the way that you do. I would say that it is normal.
As to your last paragraph, I honestly think that it depends on the illness. I suffer from depression and manage it with meds. I have been a passenger on the 'I feel better, so let me stop taking my meds' train. I think that stems from denial. It is difficult for some to admit that their brain does not function properly without meds. Add to that the stigma surrounding mental illness.
I know that nit taking your meds seems irresponsible, but you are thinking rationally. And it is easier to stand in judgement when you are not the person suffering.
I have had to work through tremendous guilt for some of things I have said and done when I was off my meds. It's like you are in a fog where you cannot see anything around you and no matter how far you walk the fog remains.
As to family, each one is different. It is difficult, if not almost impossible, to think about someone else's emotional needs when you have to force yourself to get out of bed and take a shower. My husband almost left me. And had I not gotten counseling and taken my meds he would have. We are stronger than ever today. But I must confess, I have to almost remind myself to put him first at times. See, I was not tending to my own emotional needs for so long, tending to another person's is not second nature.
I think that people need to be realistic about what to expect. Mentally ill people are not going to think like everyone else. We should not be held to the same standards - even on meds. You still have to learn a new way of coping, behaving, living. And you will get it wrong.
Sorry this is so long. I wish you the best with your mom.
I am adding the additional post - I cannot edit my other post.
My family of origin is another matter. To my mom and sister, I am and will always be 'the crazy one'. They do not understand why I do not think like them. They see my illness as me making excuses. No matter what I do, this will not change. So, I cut them out of my life. On top of everything else, I refuse to feel guilty for my disease.
So, how do you cope as a family member? Well, in my uneducated opinion, it depends on several things.
1. The illness - You may cut someone with a severe illness more slack. Oh, and selfishness is a personality trait, not a mental illness.
2. The person - are they willing to get help? Let me add that shame and the stigma of mental illness can play a role here. I'm black, and black folks don't do therapy lol. We do not talk about this in our community. A HUGE factor in the willingness of the person to get help, IMO.
3. You (general you). Are you truly trying to understand? Do you call them 'crazy' and write them off? '
My family of origin will not understand my illness. 'Snap out of it. You don't need those crazy pills.'.
My husband came to therapy with me and actually asked questions to get a better understanding.
mochamajesty, THANK YOU for your thoughtful responses.
Quote:
So, how do you cope as a family member? Well, in my uneducated opinion, it depends on several things.
1. The illness - You may cut someone with a severe illness more slack. Oh, and selfishness is a personality trait, not a mental illness.
2. The person - are they willing to get help? Let me add that shame and the stigma of mental illness can play a role here. I'm black, and black folks don't do therapy lol. We do not talk about this in our community. A HUGE factor in the willingness of the person to get help, IMO.
3. You (general you). Are you truly trying to understand? Do you call them 'crazy' and write them off? '
My family of origin will not understand my illness. 'Snap out of it. You don't need those crazy pills.'.
My husband came to therapy with me and actually asked questions to get a better understanding.
Which one do you think I am close to?
I think these are excellent points. There are lots of misunderstandings about mental illness out there. I don't blame you for cutting your family off if they had the attitude you describe.
Within my immediate family, there are two members who suffer from serious mental illness - my mom and my brother. There are three of us who do not have a mental illness - my dad, myself and my other brother. For a long time, probably into the 1990s, NONE of us understood much about mental illness, but when my mom was diagnosed with bipolar I, we began researching it in earnest, and all of us (except my mother) grew to understand and appreciate the need for medications and therapy. It took my brother twenty years of denial and havoc in his personal life (and ours) to accept that he also needed this, but my point is that none of us were resistant to the concept of mental illness being just that - an illness (and apparently in our family one that is genetic/inheritable as well) that no one asks for and which needs treatment.
As for cutting slack - I've cut so much slack in my life that if I could sell cut slack I'd be a millionaire. Yes, I know and accept that slack must be cut, but I also know and accept that there's an emotional strain to cutting it for years.
I do not "call them crazy" and cut them off - and never will. I know that they have been struck with an illness they didn't ask for. I also know that "there but for the grace of God go I." I will not cut them off, BUT I also have expectations of personal responsibility, boundaries, and mutual respect in any relationship, including the relationships I have with the mentally ill people in my family. If - treated or untreated (because it is their choice and responsibility to stay with some sort of treatment program and therapy) - they abuse me, threaten me, disrespect me, accuse me of ridiculous things, etc. I will back way off from them, or put boundaries in place to protect myself.
I believe that mentally ill adults can still wrestle with character issues, like the rest of us. I'll give you an example from recently. I spent about four days up at the hospital with my mother because she fell and they were running a lot of tests. This fall was accidental - but it was caused by her eating disorder (she is anorexic and is literally starving herself to death, and her blood pressure had plummeted, causing her to fall). This in itself is frustrating and heartbreaking - it's terrible to watch someone voluntarily starve themselves to death in 21st century America. Anyway, there I was though - I had to stay with her a lot because my father was also struggling with a health issue and having tests run, and none of us could bear thinking of leaving her up at the hospital all alone.
Anyway, so I was up there for about twelve hours a day for four days. Mom and I seemed to be getting along well - talking, laughing about things my kids have done, calling people on the phone, etc in between her tests and naps. But she wanted to go home (of course). She is not a person who submits to anyone else's plan, including the doctor's plans. So on about the third day when my dad walked in, she suddenly turned to him and began begging him to "let her go home, take her home." She was crying, pleading, grabbing at his arms, and promising "I'll do better about eating - I'll do my physical therapy, I promise to behave." Well, this was heartbreaking and I finally said, "Mom, we don't think you're misbehaving or doing this on purpose." She immediately went from weak and teary, to a Tasmanian devil (a metamorphosis I've seen a thousand times in my life). She turned to me with fire in her eyes and venom on her tongue and snarled, "YOU shut up. You're 90 percent of the problem here anyway - trying to separate me from MY HUSBAND."
OK guess what - there's my boundary right there. I got up and said, "I'm leaving - I'll be back sometime before you're discharged, I guess." And I walked out. Before I could get to my car, my mom had called me and left a message on my phone - in the sweetest, most reasonable tone of voice, "Kathryn, this is Mom. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. Please give me a call!"
Now look - I understand that she's afraid and upset. I understand that she's got paranoias that don't make any sense. But I also believe she should not speak to me that way, mental illness or no mental illness.
And that sort of thing is emotionally draining and difficult and hurts like hell. I don't care how rational a person tries to be about dealing with mental illness.
This sort of scenario has played out thousands of times in my life with my mother and my brother. Just as mentally ill people have a right to expect and hope for understanding and empathy from their loved ones - I don't think it's too much to ask of them to hope for some understanding and empathy from them.
(To whatever passive/aggressive person left the anonymous,negative rep comment for me - thanks for the rep points! Sign your name next time. And by the way - I've already gotten the needed therapy, because being raised by a mother with a serious mental illness can really cause some issues that need to be dealt with.)
mochamajesty, THANK YOU for your thoughtful responses.
I think these are excellent points. There are lots of misunderstandings about mental illness out there. I don't blame you for cutting your family off if they had the attitude you describe.
Within my immediate family, there are two members who suffer from serious mental illness - my mom and my brother. There are three of us who do not have a mental illness - my dad, myself and my other brother. For a long time, probably into the 1990s, NONE of us understood much about mental illness, but when my mom was diagnosed with bipolar I, we began researching it in earnest, and all of us (except my mother) grew to understand and appreciate the need for medications and therapy. It took my brother twenty years of denial and havoc in his personal life (and ours) to accept that he also needed this, but my point is that none of us were resistant to the concept of mental illness being just that - an illness (and apparently in our family one that is genetic/inheritable as well) that no one asks for and which needs treatment.
As for cutting slack - I've cut so much slack in my life that if I could sell cut slack I'd be a millionaire. Yes, I know and accept that slack must be cut, but I also know and accept that there's an emotional strain to cutting it for years.
I do not "call them crazy" and cut them off - and never will. I know that they have been struck with an illness they didn't ask for. I also know that "there but for the grace of God go I." I will not cut them off, BUT I also have expectations of personal responsibility, boundaries, and mutual respect in any relationship, including the relationships I have with the mentally ill people in my family. If - treated or untreated (because it is their choice and responsibility to stay with some sort of treatment program and therapy) - they abuse me, threaten me, disrespect me, accuse me of ridiculous things, etc. I will back way off from them, or put boundaries in place to protect myself.
I believe that mentally ill adults can still wrestle with character issues, like the rest of us. I'll give you an example from recently. I spent about four days up at the hospital with my mother because she fell and they were running a lot of tests. This fall was accidental - but it was caused by her eating disorder (she is anorexic and is literally starving herself to death, and her blood pressure had plummeted, causing her to fall). This in itself is frustrating and heartbreaking - it's terrible to watch someone voluntarily starve themselves to death in 21st century America. Anyway, there I was though - I had to stay with her a lot because my father was also struggling with a health issue and having tests run, and none of us could bear thinking of leaving her up at the hospital all alone.
Anyway, so I was up there for about twelve hours a day for four days. Mom and I seemed to be getting along well - talking, laughing about things my kids have done, calling people on the phone, etc in between her tests and naps. But she wanted to go home (of course). She is not a person who submits to anyone else's plan, including the doctor's plans. So on about the third day when my dad walked in, she suddenly turned to him and began begging him to "let her go home, take her home." She was crying, pleading, grabbing at his arms, and promising "I'll do better about eating - I'll do my physical therapy, I promise to behave." Well, this was heartbreaking and I finally said, "Mom, we don't think you're misbehaving or doing this on purpose." She immediately went from weak and teary, to a Tasmanian devil (a metamorphosis I've seen a thousand times in my life). She turned to me with fire in her eyes and venom on her tongue and snarled, "YOU shut up. You're 90 percent of the problem here anyway - trying to separate me from MY HUSBAND."
OK guess what - there's my boundary right there. I got up and said, "I'm leaving - I'll be back sometime before you're discharged, I guess." And I walked out. Before I could get to my car, my mom had called me and left a message on my phone - in the sweetest, most reasonable tone of voice, "Kathryn, this is Mom. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. Please give me a call!"
Now look - I understand that she's afraid and upset. I understand that she's got paranoias that don't make any sense. But I also believe she should not speak to me that way, mental illness or no mental illness.
And that sort of thing is emotionally draining and difficult and hurts like hell. I don't care how rational a person tries to be about dealing with mental illness.
This sort of scenario has played out thousands of times in my life with my mother and my brother. Just as mentally ill people have a right to expect and hope for understanding and empathy from their loved ones - I don't think it's too much to ask of them to hope for some understanding and empathy from them.
(To whatever passive/aggressive person left the anonymous,negative rep comment for me - thanks for the rep points! Sign your name next time. And by the way - I've already gotten the needed therapy, because being raised by a mother with a serious mental illness can really cause some issues that need to be dealt with.)
You are 100% correct, Kathryn.
But, can you expect understanding and empathy from someone who cannot give it to you?
When you are dealing with a mentally ill person, you are not equals. The deck is stacked in the non-ill person's favor. The ill person needs, frankly, more. More empathy. More understanding.
And you are within your rights to expect those things when the ill person is in recovery. I think that expecting it beforehand is setting yourself up for more frustration.
You are also within your rights to pull the plug, if you will. You can decide enough is enough. My therapist says that when the two S's are in danger of violation (sanity and safety) let it go.
But, this is your mom. And moms are ... well, they are moms. LOL There is a dynamic at play here that would not be there otherwise.
Your mom sounds like she would not get help regardless. And you do not seem to be the type of daughter to let her go. Can you contact your old therapist? Or a support group? A neutral party?
I wish I had more to offer you.
But remember this: You are not wrong to feel frustrated, drained, or angry.
Signed, a 'crazy person'.
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