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He's diagnosed with every Cluster B disorder (borderline, narcissist, and antisocial).
I know its only online but the relationship has been very intense and involved. There seems to be some extreme attraction, at least on my end (on his end I can only guess). I did something that upset him and then I didn't hear from him for 2 months. I think he was punishing me with the silent treatment to show me he won't put up with that, or he just thought he was done with me.
He reached out to me again a few days ago and it seems all is forgiven.
I think this was hoovering. Although, I sort of "hoovered" him as well because I did reach out too a couple weeks ago. Just extended a little white flag to see if he would respond.
So to be honest, I don't know who is the true "Hooverer" here.
I could not stop thinking about him those two months I didn't hear from him though. He did a great job getting me obsessed with him. Its been very hard to pull myself away, which I have been trying to do the year and a half we have been talking. He has been the one to pursue me and reach out to me almost all the time. I know he's toxic, he has all these personality disorders, its very unlikely he's a good partner. But he seems to know how to do something right. I can't put my finger on it.
Maybe its his mystery. He seems to have an endless number of facets to his personality. Its impossible to predict him. I never know what his next move will be. When he ignored me for two months it was really hard. Couldn't stop thinking about him. I knew I couldn't chase him though and it would be up to him if he ever wanted to talk to me again. So I just waited.
I'm kind of torn because in a sense I want to be "free" of this spell, but he is so alluring and appealing, I can't find the strength to get away. I really feel like some spell has been cast on me. I'm doing things and acting out of character and I don't know why. Its like something else is controlling me and I'm just watching myself like in third person. Its like I'm addicted to his attention. Like I need his attention and approval. I don't feel that way about anyone else, only him.
The fact that he came back after so long tells me something, I think. Either he really has some attraction to me as well, or this is what Narcissists do. They hoover people. They never fully go away, as long as they can get "supply" from you, they will always come back. Of course I can't ask him. He will never give a clear answer. He always keeps things ambiguous and mysterious.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Maybe if others have similar experiences with Narcissists or Cluster Bs?
It's not him that "has done a great job getting me obsessed with him"...it's YOU who have allowed that.
Yoo "can't put your finger on it" because you're refusing to acknowledge that you CAN find "the strength to get away"...you just don't want to...you're intrigued by his ambiguity and mysteriousness, a man who you describe as "alluring and appealing".
You seem to prefer applying names to this man "antisocial, narcissist etc"...anything but to look at yourself and maybe wonder why you are so attracted to a man who ""I never know what his next move will be", or It's impossible to predict him".
If there is such thing as "hoovering" I'd say you sound more like the one who's obsessed...with him.
I don't think it's his problems that you should be concerned about but more why you're using them to blame for why you feel as you do....why you feel you "need his attention and approval"...why you're "addicted" to a narcissist's attentions.
OP, this is not a new topic for you on these forums, and you do seem to like the jargon. You have recited a catalogue of his personality disorders, social quirks, deficits, and hocus pocus. If you really want to know what's going on, perhaps it's time to look more closely at a few of your own personality issues – but with professional assistance.
Thank you all for your answers. I really appreciate your taking the time to reply.
In reply to some of you, you are right and I have been looking at myself and why I'm attracted to him. This is a problem many women struggle with, getting involved with the wrong guy.
This is my first time with someone actually diagnosed with these disorders, although I've been involved with "crazy acting" people before, so its not totally new to me, I guess.
Any idea what he wants from me? Just attention? Whenever I hear from him all he does is talk about himself. Always flattering things, like how much he has been working out and how good his body looks, etc. I don't mind, because I want to know as much about him as possible. I'm not interested in talking about myself and he doesn't ask me questions about me.
So he just wants someone to bounce off of and who reflects back a good view of himself? Like looking into a mirror? (and I'm the mirror)
I feel the more I can figure it out it will be easier to gain control over it. The puzzle aspect is part of what keeps me interested, I think. Trying to figure it out, being confused, never having resolution, seems to make me want to obsess over it until I can resolve it.
What he wants from you is to abuse you, emotionally, financially,until you don't even know who you are anymore, until you are questioning your sanity because he will pay so many mind games with you, he will blame you for everything that goes wrong in your relationship, get out now, he will never change, he will never value your relationship enough to change, I don't mean to sound harsh, but get out.
"Hoovering" is jargon used to describe a person, perhaps a narcissist, who works to suck someone into or back into a relationship.
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I really appreciate your taking the time to reply.
