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I'm not sure where to put this. I came to City-Data looking to see if there were any other posts similar to this, but I didn't find any. I started getting distracted by other posts I was coming across...
I'm faced with a horrible situation and I need some guidance or advice/suggestions.
So a family member chose to end their life. Funeral arrangements are being made and family is gathering.
At first I felt shocked and sad. This family member has a young child and I felt heartbroken. Now a few days have passed and I feel like I don't want to see anyone, especially family. I don't want to gather with the rest of the family. I feel angry.
I know it may not be the popular thing to say about suicide, but it just seems so selfish to me. I've been suicidal before, and one of the things that got me through it and out of it were my kids. Even the way this family member chose to end their life, I feel, was selfish. She left a huge horrible scene for other family members to find and have to deal with. That was another thing that kept me from making the choice to end my life, was that I didn't have a sure way to go about it without leaving a mess for someone or someone having to discover my body. I don't want to inflict trauma on others.
Knowing my family, based on my past experiences with my family, I feel like they will judge and criticize me for my feelings. I will have to keep everything to myself and not talk about anything, because if I tried talking about my feelings they would probably accuse me of being ignorant or insensitive.
Funerals are also something I really don't like. We have had quite a few really rotten people die, my father was one of them, and at their funeral it's as if no one remembers how they actually were in life and this dead person they are talking about is some sort of imaginary person they've made up. I just sit there in disbelief. I can't stand funerals.
I'm not close with any of my family, my blood relatives. There's quite a bit of dysfunction in my family, and I have found it healthier to keep a distance and disengage from them. There is a culture of alcohol and prescription drug abuse and other types of abuse in my family. I have a lot of hurt and pain and trauma from the time I was with them, growing up and when I was younger. The older I've become the less I've wanted to be involved with them. The more detached I become from them the happier and more productive my life has been.
Each time someone dies or a big life event happens - someone gets married, a baby is born, someone dies, etc. - I am faced with this sort of dilemma. I feel these sort of tentacles pulling me back in to the family drama, and I hate it.
Do I do the dutiful thing and spend the time and money to go physically be there with "family" during these times of crisis or celebration? Do I go through the motions even if my heart isn't in it and it may actually hurt me? Or do I do what I feel in my heart I want to do and acknowledge that I really don't want to be a part of it. Do I protect myself by staying away.
When I have gone physically there and been in the presence of these people I start to feel sick and old hurts and trauma come up again. I can't stand these people. My mother and sisters can be especially passive-aggressive, and other family members drink and share meds. Even though at least two of the premature deaths we've had in this family were because of alcohol and prescription drugs. It just makes me very sad and sick and uncomfortable.
Maybe I don't have a question, but I'm just open to feedback or sharing or maybe I just needed to vent. I don't have a therapist right now and it's not safe to talk about these kinds of things because suicide and disengaging from your family are such tricky topics.
I hate family things too... just wasn't raised in a way where much importance was given to family (parents moved 1000 miles from closest relative, work was placed over family time). I married into a family that's the exact opposite. I grumble every time there's a "family obligation" and I am reminded, every time, that it's not about ME, it's about Them. This works most of the time.... I want to show my grief to the family who just lost a father, a husband, a son. I want to show my happiness with a new birth or joining of lives.
As said, if this wasn't a close relative... where you'd mostly be just another face in a crowd, probably no big deal to miss it. If it was someone close, where their spouse/kids would recognize that you're there or not, then it's probably a good idea to go and support them.
Do keep your opinions to yourself though, it would not help those who Are suffering to stir the pot.
OP: Take care of yourself first - do what you feel is right for you, in your gut.
I agree with your opinions on suicide and getting together with family at this time doesn't seem like it would be a positive experience for you and could traumatize you further.
I would make up some excuse - that you are sick or whatever - and then just commemorate the person the way you choose to - and if you are angry at them, that's okay too - you can actually speak to them out loud and tell them what you think. It's all good!
Thank you all for your caring and thoughtful responses. It's so good to have nice people respond.
So this was not a close relative in recent years. We were closer when I was young. My main reason for going would be to give my grandmother a hug.
Thankfully, after posting this I called my grandmother and we talked for a bit. She told me that she would rather I come see her at a time when things are not so hectic and chaotic as they are for her right now.
So, thank you grandma. What a relief.
Thank you again to everybody for taking the time to read my post and respond thoughtfully.
Thank you all for your caring and thoughtful responses. It's so good to have nice people respond.
So this was not a close relative in recent years. We were closer when I was young. My main reason for going would be to give my grandmother a hug.
Thankfully, after posting this I called my grandmother and we talked for a bit. She told me that she would rather I come see her at a time when things are not so hectic and chaotic as they are for her right now.
So, thank you grandma. What a relief.
Thank you again to everybody for taking the time to read my post and respond thoughtfully.
Or do I do what I feel in my heart I want to do and acknowledge that I really don't want to be a part of it. Do I protect myself by staying away.
I can't stand these people..
Yes...protect yourself...stay away.
I too HATE funerals...would never want one myself, and hate attending them.
I feel probably the same as you do about assisted murder....oops..assisted suicide....
You say you're much happier staying away from the family...so do it...the suicide will never know and your family doesn't seem to really care how you feel about it anyways.
You are not alone in how you feel about people taking their own lives...or worse yet, having some doctor do it for them.
OP: Take care of yourself first - do what you feel is right for you, in your gut.
I agree with your opinions on suicide and getting together with family at this time doesn't seem like it would be a positive experience for you and could traumatize you further.
I would make up some excuse - that you are sick or whatever - and then just commemorate the person the way you choose to - and if you are angry at them, that's okay too - you can actually speak to them out loud and tell them what you think. It's all good!
Thank you all for your caring and thoughtful responses. It's so good to have nice people respond.
So this was not a close relative in recent years. We were closer when I was young. My main reason for going would be to give my grandmother a hug.
Thankfully, after posting this I called my grandmother and we talked for a bit. She told me that she would rather I come see her at a time when things are not so hectic and chaotic as they are for her right now.
So, thank you grandma. What a relief.
Thank you again to everybody for taking the time to read my post and respond thoughtfully.
Just read this response....glad you feel better...take care
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