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I (25M) have a brother a couple of years younger with Level 3 autism. This is the most severe on the spectrum. He cannot talk and needs assistance with most things.
He has lived with my parents his whole life, and I lived with them also, but I moved out a couple of years ago. Actually, the sole reason I moved out was because of his behaviors at that time. I just couldn’t live with him. He’s calmed down a lot now, but I still don’t regret getting my own place.
My parents wanted to make sure he was situated for when they are older and can no longer take care of him, so he is set to move into a group home in August. I shouldn’t feel any guilt. I’m nowhere close right now, but I do hope to have my own family one day and work a full time job. I couldn’t take care of him full time. I was never expected to. I really wish I could, but I can’t.
Since I haven’t lived with him in over two years, I thought I wouldn’t feel any sadness, but I do. I run a lot of my parents’ errands simply because they can’t when he’s home and they live 5 minutes from me, so I do see him 1-3 times a week. Now that move-in day is quickly approaching (August isn’t that far away), I can’t even look at him without feeling tremendous grief. He doesn’t have any idea that these are his last few weeks in his own bed, and that he’s about to be placed in the care of professional strangers and never come home again. My parents are devastated, since they’ve taken care of him his whole life. They will be selling their house and moving near the group home (about 45 minutes from me), so it is a new world for everyone now.
On move-in day, my brother is going to wake up that morning in his own bed, and then my parents will pack up all his belongings and take him to a strange place. He’ll be waiting there that night for them to come pick him up, and they won’t. I feel bad for placing his care into the hands of the staff instead of having him live with my parents until they can’t care for him anymore and then taking him in. And most of all, because he can’t help his condition and has no choice.
Your parents are making the right decision. I think it is better to put him in a home now than to wait until they pass. They will still be able to visit (as will you) and perhaps they will be able to take him out of the home now and then for a day or two. (I do not know that for sure.) He is your brother and you should not feel obligate to forgo your own life to take care of him on a day by day basis. You deserve your own life and your own happiness. Your brother will be fine long term. God bless you for caring so much.
You need to be able to live and enjoy your own life. You should not have to be held hostage to taking over your brother's care. It is not your responsibility and no one expects you to throw your own life away to make his a little more comfortable.
He will adjust to the group home. It may take a while but he will be taken care of and gets everything he needs and it will turn into a new routine. Then this will be his life and he will not remember any different.
You are young. You need to be free, independent and have fun. Go out, be wild, do something you enjoy without feeling guilt. No one should have to live like that.
You seem to think the Group Home is a prison of some sort. Perhaps he will thrive there and actually benefit from the environment. Who knows, maybe the quality of his life will actually improve somewhat with increased socialization and a change in routine.
Your parents are doing the right thing to prepare for their futures...props to them for planning ahead! You should plan ahead as well!
Theses homes, if they are high quality, provide a safe, enriched, structured environment for the residents. It really is a better place for him. Even though you may (and do) want to, you aren't able to provide what these homes provide. It really is the best option for him and for you. As others have said, he will adjust. They have things in place to help him do just that. He will also have the benefit of parents and you visiting, which many of these folks do not have.
Theses homes, if they are high quality, provide a safe, enriched, structured environment for the residents. It really is a better place for him. Even though you may (and do) want to, you aren't able to provide what these homes provide. It really is the best option for him and for you. As others have said, he will adjust. They have things in place to help him do just that. He will also have the benefit of parents and you visiting, which many of these folks do not have.
Yes, I worked in a couple group homes and FWIW, the residents were quite happy. They got into their routine and were always smiling and laughing. I didn't get the sense that they felt abandoned or stranded. They seemed secure and had each other. I don't recall them even talking about their families. They seem to be in the "here and now" more than the rest of us.
Hope that helps your peace of mind, somewhat. It's a better situation for them and YOU. Wish you the best.
He'll likely be as happy as he can be in the group home. He's not like you. Have you seen the movie "Rain Man"? Different things make different people feel happy and safe.
Where there's guilt there's love. You're a good brother and son. Live your life; that will make everyone happy.
Theses homes, if they are high quality, provide a safe, enriched, structured environment for the residents. It really is a better place for him. Even though you may (and do) want to, you aren't able to provide what these homes provide. It really is the best option for him and for you. As others have said, he will adjust. They have things in place to help him do just that. He will also have the benefit of parents and you visiting, which many of these folks do not have.
I’ve done a lot more research, and read these replies, and the group home is absolutely the best place for him to be. I’m quite frankly getting tired of my parents venting to me on the phone and in person about how traumatized they’re going to be at my bro moving out. They’re especially freaking out about him sleeping there. They are afraid he’ll be confused and won’t want to sleep at all the first few nights. Which is probably true, but that’s the staff’s issue to deal with, and they are literally trained to do so. He’ll be fine after a week or two.
It seems all my parents can think about is how it affects them in a bad way, rather than in a good way, like the fact that they will have the freedom to do whatever they want. They also don’t think it could be a good thing, or at least don’t seem to. They are simply focusing on how “traumatic” the move in day will be. I’m not even going that day because I don’t like seeing my parents cry, and I know I’d practically have to drag my mother to the car sobbing. I’ll visit later on.
Your parents are making the right decision. I think it is better to put him in a home now than to wait until they pass. They will still be able to visit (as will you) and perhaps they will be able to take him out of the home now and then for a day or two. (I do not know that for sure.) He is your brother and you should not feel obligate to forgo your own life to take care of him on a day by day basis. You deserve your own life and your own happiness. Your brother will be fine long term. God bless you for caring so much.
Now and then for a day or two is good. But my parents have a concrete plan of taking him home every Friday, having him sleep over at home Friday night, and bringing him back to the group home Saturday. I keep telling them that if they start to do this as soon as he moves in, he’ll never adjust and just get confused. They’re just trying to make it less traumatic for themselves here. And as far as I know, the residential staff are not going to let them do this. And they’re 100% right for not allowing it.
It seems all my parents can think about is how it affects them in a bad way, rather than in a good way, like the fact that they will have the freedom to do whatever they want.
They've been in a groove for a long time. They have set routines. I can see them thinking, "What will we do when Brother is no longer here?" Eventually they'll figure out what to do with themselves but transitions can be a bit scary.
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They also don’t think it could be a good thing, or at least don’t seem to. They are simply focusing on how “traumatic” the move in day will be. I’m not even going that day because I don’t like seeing my parents cry, and I know I’d practically have to drag my mother to the car sobbing. I’ll visit later on.
Is it going to upset your brother to see your parents crying?
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