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Hi all. Before I write more, I want to say that I've delayed writing this post for over a year, due to the potential criticism and controversy. But I think it is time to address this issue, because it is a very big issue for me. I won't provide too many details, since that leaves me vulnerable. Of course, there will always be those that aren't interested in providing constructive feedback, and will say things like "you get what you pay for."
As could be extrapolated from the title, I currently live in public housing, and have since I was born. Do I like it? Far from the truth. I am embarrassed about it. I never tell anyone where I live, just the neighborhood. I rarely (read:never) have friends over because of the same reasoning. My embarrassment about this, and the poverty surrounding it has affected me significantly in terms of life potential and confidence, and it is something I feel I need to change in order to move on.
My parents barely speak English, and don't have degrees or diplomas. Yet, I would not call them lazy people. My dad works 6 days a week, and my mom ~4 days a week. Before the people come and say "why can't they both work 7 days a week," I personally don't know the answer, and my mom just works whenever she can. Although I am often annoyed at my dad for being clueless about everything, one thing I can't do is call him lazy.
Back to the main point of this thread. I am trying the best I can to leave, but I cannot at the moment. I attended one of the specialized high schools (over an hour commute each way) and am now studying engineering at an ivy league school (just finished first year). Meanwhile, my parents were completely oblivious about it all, and could not understand anything that I was doing, just that it "sounded like a good idea." They could not support me in any way.
Despite all my supposed progress, I am extremely concerned that regardless of my efforts, both past and future, I will still continue the cycle of poverty. I really don't want to do that, but it seems that it is inevitable.
For example, in terms of finding future employment, I'm concerned that I'm already disadvantaged. People place so much emphasis on "making connections" and "getting in the know," and I personally don't know how to do that. People in more well-to-do families can leverage family connections and neighbors, but obviously I don't have that luxury. Additionally, I heard that many employers will not even hire if you come from the "wrong" background, of the "wrong" antecedents. How can I make sure that I can surmount this obstacle? Especially at university now, where I know many students whose parents are university professors, doctors, lawyers, engineers, businessmen, and who already have high-end internships at prestigious companies, I don't think I can compete, and thus am back in the cycle of poverty. People like that don't know what it is like to be poor and live in such an abhorrent place. While people are talking about going to Europe or going on a cruise, I'll never be going, and will just be working all summer.
Now that I'm back home for the summer, I am now more aware about my disadvantages and destitute situation. It is absolutely terrible. Many people don't know what it is like to feel bad about spending $6 for lunch, whether I should have a drink if I'm thirsty.
This bring me to my other point. I have such low self-confidence, because I feel that I have no self-worth and will always be held back by my past. I feel bad about spending money, even on important things like food. I'm always concerned about how I can save money, so I can take one more step toward leaving poverty forever. While this is not necessarily a good thing, it holds me back.
It sounds like the commonly spoken-of "poverty mentality," which is especially hard for me to break, since it is the reality. I'm not willing to spend money on things even though I feel I would like them, or they would be beneficial. I don't want to spend money on a gym membership even though I feel it would be good for me. I don't want to learn how to play guitar, because I don't have the money. I don't want to buy nicer clothes, since it's expensive. I don't want to date anyone because I feel no one would want someone from such a bad background. Thus, I feel that a mentality like this is keeping me poor, and depriving me of good things in life.
I feel I'm left out of the loop, and that's why the rich are getting richer, but everyone is left behind. I'm sorry to say, home has always been a place of sadness and lack of hope or future. That's why when people at school say they are "excited" to return home, I can't say the same thing for myself.
I think I should learn how to invest some of my money, and most immediately, my summer savings, so that I can begin to leave this cycle of poverty. But I don't know how to, and don't know it would be effective. If anyone can give some advice on this, it would be greatly appreciated.
Well, I hope some people can give some helpful advice for me. All I want is the betterment of myself, and I only want to continue going up, but I feel that some bottlenecks must be addressed before I can do that. I hope no one takes any offense at this, or finds any reason to criticism my unnecessarily.
Very heartbreaking and inspiring, literally almost brought tears to my eyes and i'm a man.
1. Keep up with your engineering program. I agree that the Engineering field is a lot less shallow than others and only care about the degree and performance. Since you come from an Ivy League School then that is especially a huge boost.
2. Relentlessly look for internships. Don't worry about somebody not accepting you due to background, don't limit yourself just b/c a few select employers out there want to throw a label on you. Your an ivy league student and ppl will trip over themselves to get to you.
3. Make friends with as many ppl as you can since most ppl in Ivy Leagues already have good connections. Trust me, most ppl wouldn't judge you for your background and even if you feel that they will, they don't have to know.
4. Get references from professors, this will be extra helpful and the majority of professors are willing to do this for you.
You really shouldn't stress yourself out over it. I feel like your biggest challenge is self-esteem and confidence.
If you are good then employers won't care how bad your background is. You think you are poor. I have 2 friends from India that came to the US on scholarship and their family background is abject poverty. They are very successful. Why? Because they never felt sorry for themselves. In fact they were proud of what they had achieved.
Also, networking is fairly simple. It comes down to a person asking him/herself "can I use this contact in the future". If you are smart, hardworking, and confident you will network easily as people will think that you are likely to be successful and useful for them in the future. Sure there will be people that look down on you but so what, what can they possibly do to you?
Last edited by bmwguydc; 06-07-2013 at 08:26 AM..
Reason: Personal attack: comment about veracity of OP removed
You have nothing to be ashamed of for a start. The circumstances you were born into are not you.
You have two hard-working parents. You have a strong desitre to improve your position, and you are not just dreaming and wishing and hoping, you are actually doing something about it - and that's the only route that works. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Neither of my parents finished school. I grew up in PJs in a foreign country. I am now in a position to support a large family in a comfortable house, I send money each month to my parents to help them, I give to charities every month, go on multiple vacations each year, have good accumulation of retirement funds, college funds for my kids, savings, large equity in my house, and I'm now at the stage where I'm not working 7 days a week thats for sure, 5 is good enough. Accumulating a healthy financial position when you're starting from scratch, no inherited wealth or parental help (either financial or knowledge wise), is tough, but so what? Billions live on a dollar a day, so forget feeling sorry for yourself. Carry on applying yourself, work both hard and smart, and you can get there if thats what you want.
My social position worked against me when I first entered the workforce, but once I got my foot in the door with a job, all that really mattered at that point forward was my work performance. Sure some people had an easier time early on, but connections can't sustain many people all the way through, you still have to pull your weight. That work world just expands dramatically once you're in, you'll work with people you can impress, work with people who will gain confidence in you and you can progress. Sometimes they move out and/or up the ladder, and when that position comes up they have to fill, they'll call you. Most employers will be looking for someone they know is a good performer, whom they can trust and rely on. The unknown candidiate who looks good on paper - they don't know that guy/girl. You're at an advantage once you're in. And you will get in if you persist. And persistence means putting aside failures once you've learned what you can from them, and then trying again in an improved failure-informed fashion.
Hold steady and keep on the course you are. As mentioned by others - don't make any dumbass decisions that irrevokably changes things, like ending up with a kid at 21 or making a life-decision based on some relationship that might be over 24-months down the line.
Finally, stop looking at the huge task ahead of you, making it seem impossible. Approach it just like that huge final exam you have to take, stop staring at the oncoming headlights and keep your nose down in the books getting there by applying yourself and using stamina. And don't measure your progress against others who've started from a different place.
I feel like you need to be giving yourself a lot more credit for the accomplishments you have already made in your life! You are well on your way to a great career, and you are highly educated, well- spoken and thoughtful. Yes, people who come from privileged backgrounds are always going to have an advantage over those who don't, but that does not mean that it is impossible for you to succeed, and you need to realize that you have already succeeded compared to so many of your peers.
I would recommend seeing a career counselor/ advisor etc. through your university to help guide you through the internship/ job search process, as others have said. I would ALSO recommend seeking out a therapist through your university to help you work through some of your self-worth and self-confidence issues, because you seem to have a lot of emotional baggage attached to growing up poor, and you should talk to someone about it who can help you. Honestly, the only thing that can hinder your future success at this point is your own self-confidence, so work on that before it becomes a major issue.
The best thing I can tell you is when you get
out of school, don't let your education go to
waste working somewhere that's not related
to your field of study, and don't dream about
making your own business too early once you
start working around all the competitive jerks
you will encounter at your job. don't worry
about them. they won't keep you stable.
get your money.
First, from my perspective, you have nothing to be ashamed about at all. Your parents did a courageous thing, relocating to the USA, and work hard, even if they do not make significant incomes for the NYC region. That's precisely for whom public housing was originally designed. They provided you with the opportunity that they did not have, and you have excelled. Remember, you are very successful right now, even as a college student, because you were accepted into a specialized school and have gone on to a major university. You have tremendous worth, but you need to see that for yourself.
If you do not want to get trapped in poverty, then do not act with that mindset. By being trapped in poverty, however, I am not speaking of economic resources, as you can have a good amount of money in the bank, yet the thought that it is not enough can limit the choices that you make with your resources.
As to being able to relate to other people, develop common interests. The guitar would be a great thing to learn, for yourself, as an indulgence without causing any undue harm. You have earned it, and you can find a way to live a little. Things like that help to create a well-rounded individual who can then have confidence as they embark upon a career.
Your parents have done the best job that they can, but they cannot relate to furthering your education and career because the opportunity was not there for them. That's why they said it sounded like a good idea to pursue your engineering degree, and cannot offer any advice in that regard. However, don't let that stop you, since I am positive that they are so proud of your achievements, and what is to come for you.
Having friends over is overrated, seriously. I can count on my hand the number of non-family members that I entertain at home, and those whose entertainment pursuits are at home. And, it's not because I am hiding, but I find it boring to be at home when there's so much to see and do in the world.
Coming from a background of a housing project is not a barrier to success. For example, Sonia Sotomayor was raised in NYCHA housing, yet she crafted a successful career in law. David Geffen did not come from a wealthy family in Brooklyn, but crafted a successful career in entertainment. And, there are many who have gone on to successful careers and achievements about whom you do not read in the paper, yet their circumstances were not the easiest.
Social class can be a barrier in some respects, with some narrow-minded people, but not all. And, certainly this is changing in many respects, especially in major cities, so continue to make connections at the university, with professors, classmates, etc. Nepotism exists to a certain degree, but pestering associates, neighbors, friends, etc. for internships for a child is not as prevalent as you think it may be, as the person whom is under consideration still has to be a strong candidate in many respects. Then again, I know of more than one person who has a "created" job because of their parental/grandparent influence with an organization, but said people are fundamentally lazy and are basically adult children who hail from the right background. Such is not the norm, today, however, as the work world is more meritocratic, so become indispensable, and never let a perceived setback define you, as it matters not if you get to whatever goal of success you have in two years or five.
Don't worry about others and their backgrounds, and position yourself in your own best light for the successes to come. Keep studying, and let yourself live a little (learning the guitar) as you have earned a healthy indulgence.
__________________
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.
~William Shakespeare (As You Like It Act II, Scene VII)
you are in an Ivy League school,your future can be very bright! itmay not seem it now,but you clearly have the intelligence and integrity to make yourself a very worthwhile future. You are the only person who is "down" on you. Please don't resent your parents your goals and aims won't be theirs or the next persons,but I am sure they will be very proud of you!
I agree with everyone. You are studying engineering in an Ivy League school. That's already an awesome accomplishment. And that you're concerned enough about your future that you can write a heartfelt and thoughtful post indicates to me that you will have the discipline, industry, and guts to make it all the way through. Yes, do continue to work hard, but please don't also let your concern about your future to dominate your life. With ability and hard work, you will likely make it, so do also relax a little. It's also because despite ability and hard work, sometimes there really are just random events in life that can harm us, and you will also need the attitude to be able to deal with adversity.
I'll take the OP at face value and assume that it's on the level:
The "cycle of poverty" has nothing to do with the situation you describe, which is the anti-cycle-of-poverty, the "american dream"---child of immigrants bootstrapping self, etc etc.
The problem of not having the advantages of social connections in the upper class is the plight of every generation of striving, social-climbing immigrants. The angst it creates fuelled a hundred Philip Roth novels. A person intelligent enough to "study engineering at an Ivy" ought to know better than to flagrantly misuse well-understood concepts such as "the cycle of poverty".
Last edited by bmwguydc; 06-07-2013 at 11:03 AM..
Reason: Personal attack: Take the post at face value, or don't respond, thanks.
OP, you're doing great.
Your story is truely inspiring considering the circumtances you were born and raised in.
Your story not only should serve a model for other people in similar situations, but also as a reminder that despite all the backslah and hate that you see on this forum toward people living public housing, there will always be a good amount of people that deserve the help.
There's a lot of good advice here, and even though you might have an uncertain mindset about what your future will look like, rest assure that with the steps you're taking now -being financially frugal and going to one the best schools in the nation- your future looks nothing, but bright and promising.
Congrats to you, and keep up the good work !
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