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Geez, my important friendships, the ones made since I came to New York, are over 30 years old. I don't know what you're talking about, moxiecat. I didn't meet these people in the first year or two I lived here (with one exception who now lives in prime flyover territory and remains a friend), but over time you find people to connect with deeply.
Part of it is luck, but you have to get involved in activities in a social environment. When you start out with a shared interest, like yoga or music classes, involvement in your faith community if you have one, volunteer work, you have something to discuss on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis.
What's in the nature of being in NY that makes it so easy to discard relationships/friendships or people in general? Is it part of being an American or is it the constant turnover and steady stream of people in NY that makes it so hard to connect and stay connected?
In regards to Manhattan:
1. Lots of status seekers; people view you as one of 3 things: someone who they can use to increase their status, a competitor, or a nobody.
Manhattan draws a lot of people at the top of their fields (whether arts, business, higher ed, etc.) and a lot more people who want to get to the top. Factor in the extremely high cost of living and you get people who will run over others to survive here.
2. Manhattan attracts a lot of transplants who didn't feel at home in their small town, i.e., social misfits. Social misfits like Manhattan because they can hide and be anonymously alone here in a sea of people.
3. Plus, the mass of humanity makes it seem like people are easily replaceable. People feel free to be rude because they will never likely see the person again.
There's also a lack of social repercussions. In a small community, people have reputations and standards to uphold. Here, throw garbage on the subway train or treat people you date badly and no one cares or knows who you are.
I don't agree with the whole premise posed by this post. I was born in Manhattan and have lived here my entire life and have many, MANY friends who've been around for 30+ years. I would say that my college relationships (Massachusetts) were much more fleeting and superficial than those I've formed at home.
I think it has more to do with the individuals rather than where they are.
I think people are missing the point of the post. The OP is talking about a newcomer to the city, not those who grew up here or went to school here and have been here for many years now. Obviously, over time, he/she will have more long lasting friendships, but he/she is talking about the beginning and how he/she feels it's harder in Manhattan to start a solid friendship.
I think people are missing the point of the post. The OP is talking about a newcomer to the city, not those who grew up here or went to school here and have been here for many years now. Obviously, over time, he/she will have more long lasting friendships, but he/she is talking about the beginning and how he/she feels it's harder in Manhattan to start a solid friendship.
i agree, i don't think the OP is referring to people who were born & raised in the tri-state area. Manhattanites, on the whole, are a transient bunch. like someone else said, they're independent & are willing to sacrifice a lot. along with that comes disposable relationships. a lot of folks come from various parts of the country and the world, spend a few years in the city and head back. its hard to keep lasting relationships that way.
Ace, FBF, John: Bravo! You've got enough smarts and insight to read into what I 'm saying here.
I did make it clear that anyone from the area (locally grown) has the clear advantage and will never know what it's like to come here as a newcomer to start from scratch and figure out which "friendships" will stand the test of time or who will float in and out or fade out altogether. So Viral, too bad that you totally miss the point (tsk tsk!).
And yes, just the sheer number of people here makes it so easy to "replace" and "discard" others - we're all stepping stones for someone else at one point or another.
If you've ever lived anywhere else, you'll know that this unparalleled social behavior in Manhattan does not exist in such huge numbers in other cities: Boston, San Fran, Texas, Seattle. (L.A. yes.)
This city makes you become very independent. It takes a certain degree of self-sacrifice to make relationships work. A lot of people once they reach a certain degree of independence aren't willing to make those sacrifices in order to make it work.
dont know NYC like you but, you are so right, the curse of success, disconnect. when you have slain the dragon, the village does not in fact turn out to cheer, the beautiful princess does not in fact fall in love with you, not like the movies.
If you've ever lived anywhere else, you'll know that this unparalleled social behavior in Manhattan does not exist in such huge numbers in other cities: Boston, San Fran, Texas, Seattle. (L.A. yes.)
I lived in Boston my whole life til I got here in my early 30s. In 6 years here I have been blessed with more interesting, wonderful and down to earth friends than I ever dreamed of in Boston.
I went to school in both places so it's not that. And since I was from Boston you indicate I should have had the clear advantage when I was living there in terms of my friendships. . . yet here is where I find all my wonderful friends.
I do see where you're coming from with your theories, Moxiecat, because the success/money factor here is real. But I also think it's totally unfair to characterize an entire city with this judgment on social behavior. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places.
If anything, I would characterize the people in NYC as being much, much more open to new people and new friends in their lives than the people in Boston. But that's my personal experience and I understand not everyone will feel the same way.
Manhattanites, on the whole, are a transient bunch.
I dispute the quantification. While there are probably, at any given time, proportionally more short-term residents than most other places, most of the Manhattanites I know have no intention of ever leaving. Of course, at this point in my life, I am not meeting lots of 20- and 30-somethings whose breeding years are still ahead. But often these people return to Manhattan as empty nesters or divorcees (unless they go to Florida), so you can consider their 20 years in suburbia transient.
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