Should I go back to NYC? (sublets, rent, month-to-month)
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I know this is a very personal decision, but any of your thoughts would be welcome.
About me: I have a very good salary and have been working from home ever since the world shut down. I absolutely love working from home and would not change it even if things went back to "normal". I am single and this year I'll turn 40. I know NYC very well since I am from the area and when the pandemic started, I moved in with my parents who live in a semi-rural area in quite a large house.
Pros:
I have my own bedroom
The house is big and comfortable
Clean air
Lot cheaper than NYC
Cons:
I don't drive, so unfortunately have to depend on my parents for rides since there is nothing close by. In the beginning, I did not mind this so much, but now I am starting to feel really trapped and a prisoner in the house since I cannot go anywhere unless driven.
There is absolutely nothing to do here. Yes, I know NYC is pretty much shut down and dead now, but it's still not the same kind of life as a rural area. It is impossible for me to meet people here and the population tends to be much older, less educated (I don't say this to be classist or put down anyone, but I don't feel I can relate much to most people here). The area is extremely conservative.
I am starting to get annoyed at the little day to day things from my parents. They are not controlling at all, but our habits tend to clash. For example, I'm very big on cooking nice meals and they are annoyed by the smells in the house.
I feel there is no privacy here, because everyone knows the neighbors. I don't have anything to hide, but it's not unusual to hear comments from neighbors telling my parents things like "hey I noticed the lights upstairs were on pretty late last night, must be your son working!". Just little things like that that I know would not happen in NYC because nobody cares.
My father is near the official retirement age and he suddenly lost his job back when the pandemic struck. He and I have NEVER had a good relationship and now it's getting to the point where we argue almost every single day about even little things such as my cooking habits, or my point of view about something, etc.
Obviously, to those less fortunate this all might sound very petty. After all, I do have my own room, the house is huge, I have a good job, a good salary, healthcare...I even pay my parents a monthly amount to help them.
On the other hand, I don't think it's all that healthy to be almost 40 and still live with parents. My question is, do you guys who are in NYC right now think it's a good idea to go back? Full disclosure: I have always shared apartments in NYC because I prefer to have someone else take care of stuff like the lease, etc and have really good landlord references, etc. So if I return, it would be in an apt share situation with another person like I was doing before. Any thoughts? I know right now NYC is becoming quite unsafe and there's not much going on, but on the other hand I'd still be able to do more there as a single carless person.
It sounds to me like you already have your answer. If cost isn't an issue, then I don't see why you are holding yourself back. You sound miserable where you are. Here things aren't perfect but I have managed to meet new people in spite of Covid. If not NYC, I would look into one that has good public transport and lots of people so you can socialize. I know what it's like being single and living in an area you feel totally out of place in. As for crime, crime is everywhere and will spike due to increases in poverty/the unemployment rate. I don't think NYC's crime is anything to write home about. Like most places, it depends on where you live for the most part and since you will be earning good money, you are likely to be more safe than have to worry all the time about crime.
I think that your last point may carry the most weight. In America, we do not expect adults to live with their parents, except later in life as caretakers, perhaps. There is nothing to be ashamed of for anyone moving back in with their parents due to covid fears or money problems, but it's not necessarily something to continue, unless there were a financial issue.
Also, for most people, their parents will never stop viewing them as children, and most adults don't like to be told to put on a sweater. And what about a post-covid social life?
So I think you should aim to move out at some point. But here are two additional things to consider.
1. Use this opportunity to learn to deal with your father (and nosy neighbors). There are different approaches, but find what works for you to defuse things or brush off the argument. If he complains that you're over-cooking something, maybe you can shrug it off with "That's the way I like it." If he asks why you have to make such fancy meals, try "Because I'm a fancy guy."
2.Although I appreciate your clarity about your NYC situation, you should learn to be able to handle the ins and outs of a lease. Even with a roommate - read the lease, know what's in there, sign it jointly, use your credit references. Don't get stuck in a bad situation ten years from now because you let it slide.
By the way, that's a really good, clear, informative post. I wish everyone were so clear.
It’s a bit too late to move away from old parents ain’t it? He will be back to care for them sooner than later. Why waste money.
I think that your last point may carry the most weight. In America, we do not expect adults to live with their parents, except later in life as caretakers, perhaps. There is nothing to be ashamed of for anyone moving back in with their parents due to covid fears or money problems, but it's not necessarily something to continue, unless there were a financial issue.
Also, for most people, their parents will never stop viewing them as children, and most adults don't like to be told to put on a sweater. And what about a post-covid social life?
So I think you should aim to move out at some point. But here are two additional things to consider.
1. Use this opportunity to learn to deal with your father (and nosy neighbors). There are different approaches, but find what works for you to defuse things or brush off the argument. If he complains that you're over-cooking something, maybe you can shrug it off with "That's the way I like it." If he asks why you have to make such fancy meals, try "Because I'm a fancy guy."
2.Although I appreciate your clarity about your NYC situation, you should learn to be able to handle the ins and outs of a lease. Even with a roommate - read the lease, know what's in there, sign it jointly, use your credit references. Don't get stuck in a bad situation ten years from now because you let it slide.
By the way, that's a really good, clear, informative post. I wish everyone were so clear.
Thanks Cida!
As for your points:
1) Oh, sure I agree. Anyway, this is his house (as he often reminds me anyway) so I am basically almost on no speaking terms with him at the moment. It's sort of awkward, but we just find it's better if we exchange the fewest amount of words. The problem with him is that he always has to have the last word and since he is not an educated man (he's a great individual when it comes to having a great heart, and he was always a provider) but that being said, I do not have anything in common at all with him. It's kind of sad, but since that's always been the default setting here, it's also nothing new.
2) Yes, I agree. I've been on leases before, but haven't been on a lease in a while since I've always just rented out a room. Part of the reason why I have so much money in my bank account is that I've never had a mortgage or any major expenditure and I've been saving for more than a decade. I have zero debts, including zero college debts.
The biggest issue right now at home is the lifestyle clash. My parents are getting older, so they don't really like a lot of stuff going on in the house, plus I can't bring any friends over (because I don't even know anyone in this area anyway, but even if I did I can't for many reasons I won't get into here).
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 90sitcom
What made you give up your living situation and move back in with your parents in the first place? If it wasn't to save money and you don't seem to love the situation.
Mostly because during the pandemic, I got really tired of NYC and thought that it wasn't worth living there if all the things that made it a fun place were shut down. So, I asked myself, why pay a stranger money in rent when I could use that money to help my parents and also live in a more tranquil area with cleaner air and slower pace of living? In the beginning I was enjoying it somewhat due to the change, but now I find myself trapped because I am starting to miss the small easy daily stuff like for example being up late and being able to go to the corner shop to buy milk or whatever I want without anyone asking me.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha Anne
Could you possibly give us a hint as to what part of the state or country you live in now, with your parents? You talk about the area as not having too many well educated people.
What do you do with your free time when there is no pandemic?
I see no issue living with one's parents at ANY age so long as you really get along great. Our culture looks down on doing that which is a shame. Many people could never get along with their parents as adults. Apparently you do. It's also nice you have company.
But where are you, generally speaking, in locale?
I am in the vicinity of Port Jervis area in a small town. When there was no pandemic, I often traveled and explored as much as I could. I also liked to have house parties OCCASSIONALLY or go to a bar or just meet up with people that had similar interests to me.
We get along "OK"...enough to live without major fights, but it's not ideal either. I neglected to mention in my opening comments (since I did not want to make this too long) that before the pandemic, my father worked more than 12 hours OUT of the house and my mother was all alone during the day, which she really loved because that meant it was just her and the entire house by herself without any hassles. Now that BOTH my father and I are home for different reasons, she is upset deep down because her personal peace during the day is gone, the kitchen is being used (my mother absolutely always hated cooking and anything kitchen related, unfortunately, and my father is a very needy person. Meaning, he is used to having her wait on him, etc. Back when he worked most of the day outside the home and came back at night, things were great because she would only have to deal with that sporadically. Now, it's all day.
On the other hand, my father has worked all his life and now that for the first time he has no job, he feels useless deep down and hates being at home. Even when I am doing my own stuff in my room, I hear them constantly sniping at each other for whatever reason. So, I am also getting tired of hearing them argue about the silliest of things. I get along with them just enough to make things bearable, if that's what you mean. I am closest to my mother and she "gets" it, but ultimately as many on here say, it's my own decision.
It sounds to me like you already have your answer. If cost isn't an issue, then I don't see why you are holding yourself back. You sound miserable where you are. Here things aren't perfect but I have managed to meet new people in spite of Covid. If not NYC, I would look into one that has good public transport and lots of people so you can socialize. I know what it's like being single and living in an area you feel totally out of place in. As for crime, crime is everywhere and will spike due to increases in poverty/the unemployment rate. I don't think NYC's crime is anything to write home about. Like most places, it depends on where you live for the most part and since you will be earning good money, you are likely to be more safe than have to worry all the time about crime.
Yes! That's a good point. I'm just thinking that at my job, we may have to go back in April, so that also holds me back from looking at other cities. If it was entirely up to me and I could work from home forever, I'd choose a warmer city with Mediterranean weather patterns that are also walkable. I agree with what you say about crime too. It's everywhere now that you have major cities and certain economic patterns. I don't lose sleep over what the NY Post says.
It sounds like it’s time for you to come back to the city. True, there isn’t a lot going on here at the moment but there are *some* things like museums and outdoor dining that are open.
I'd suggest looking for a studio in a neighborhood you may enjoy in NYC. While the city is not what she was to be it's still beats being trapped in the burbs. And if you pick an area you like, you can at the very least run all your errands, and go for walks in your area and not have to worry about the MTA issues.
Maybe you can even find a sublet since you are unsure long term.
Life is too short to spend any amount of time unhappy or just surviving in my opinion. And it seems like you have gotten to that point. While you seem down to earth and grateful for your family and staying with them, you don't seem happy.
I can get an UBER, but every time I've insisted on it, my parents always say to save the money and that they will drive me since they go to the supermarket anyway.
The plot thickens.
Unless he was handicapped in some way, no way would I want an adult son living with me.
Your parents may feel the same.
Ummm, sure. I guess. If you think the time is right. I’m actually enjoying Nyc a lot more now that all the tourists are out due to covid. I mean, they will be back and that’s cool. I’m just enjoying the break.
Yes! That's a good point. I'm just thinking that at my job, we may have to go back in April, so that also holds me back from looking at other cities. If it was entirely up to me and I could work from home forever, I'd choose a warmer city with Mediterranean weather patterns that are also walkable. I agree with what you say about crime too. It's everywhere now that you have major cities and certain economic patterns. I don't lose sleep over what the NY Post says.
I see. I used to want to go back to work in person. Now I want to do WFH. If push should come to shove, what would you think about pursuing a new job? I suppose if you fear so much, you could wait until Covid goes down significantly more and then think about it.
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