Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a friend who I've known for a little more than a decade right now (it'll be 11 years in February-March) and I do care about him and appreciate his friendship. We do have stuff in common and get along and been through a lot of stuff together both good and bad. Overall, he's a good friend to me and has always been loyal to me and of course me to him. He's harmless (no matter how bad-ass he tries to make himself seem), a good-hearted guy and means well and for the most part we've had some great times together. Basically he's a friend who I'm sure I'll have for life.
However, it just seems like the growth of his maturity has been thwarted in his teens and I feel like sometimes he's 25 going on 14. His immaturity is ridiculous sometimes-or-rather a lot of the time and I have to say it can absolutely annoy me when we hang out in big groups and make me not really want to be around him when he gets stupid and childish.
I'll give some examples, like if I introduce him to a group of friends are if we're hanging out with a group of friends who have some stuff in common with me that we're discussing that he doesn't know much about or if we're at a club/party or some sort of social event and me or our other friends meet a new person or group of people or especially a lady, he'll try to break the ice in rude or inconsiderate ways. He'll bud into the conversation and ask something like "hey, are you going tomorrow?" or something silly like "they shot him" or "did you get shot"? just to confuse, throw them off course and get their attention. He THINKS its funny and usually doesn't understand that they are laughing or giggling at his stupidity rather then laughing at his humor. Most the time they give him attention because they are just being nice.
Also, if I am having a engaging conversation with someone especially someone he doesn't know he'll cut into my conversation and interrupts stupid and immaturely. He'll also tend to always physically try and be next to me when we hang out in a big group just as a way to not feel left out and I kind of feel he does it to make sure no one is "stealing" me from him because he's has mentioned stuff like that before. Basically, he can be clingy with me in big groups when he see's that I'm getting my attention and energy directed elsewhere if he's not fitting in. He just acts very socially awkward.
There's been instances where I've heard or eavesdropped on my other friends talking about how annoying and immature he can be. Like I mentioned before, I've invited him out clubbing because he usually talks about how he wants to do "more adult stuff" and wants to get out into something more "sophisticated" for him. So as a friend, I wanted to invite him out so we he can come dancing with me and our other friends and he can come out and have fun.
First off, he doesn't really dance at all and just pretty much stands around and watch everything else that's going on, which is fine if he doesn't mind but he'll just complain and complain and complain about SOMETHING. Then finally, like I said, if we meet new people he'll act the way he does.
I've made mentioned of this to him in the nicest way possible without trying to make him feel offended or hurt his feelings but of course he doesn't really try and take in what I am telling him or pretty much listen to what I tell him.
Basically, if my friends and I go clubbing again, I really don't know if I want to invite him which sucks because we hang out with some of the same friends and I know word will get around about us going out and I know he'll definitely feel left out, which sucks because like I said, he is a like my "older little brother" and I do care about him. I just really think he needs to make some improvements pronto. I'm not trying to change him as a person by any means but I just think he seriously needs to grow up in some areas.
His immaturity is so bad sometimes that I take "breaks" from hanging out with him. I know that sounds immature and silly but that's how immature, needy and clingy he can be.
I'm not trying to have anyone else solve my issue but I would like to know opinions of course. Let me know what you think.
I'm not trying to change him as a person by any means but I just think he seriously needs to grow up in some areas.
I don't mean this in a judgmental way at all but: yes you are. You don't like things about him and you want them to change.
This is a very interesting thread because I don't think there's a clear right or wrong answer and also because I like people like him. I'm truly not saying you're mean or a bad friend for not liking it but I do think you just have to accept it. If you feel like you need to take a breaking from hanging with him, then take a break once in a while. He probably can't and definitely shouldn't change.
You probably think that if certain things did change or were toned down then he'd be happier and more social, but that's not really true. He'd feel the same inside but he'd just be fake and that's not right.
A friend of mine, whose boyfriend is in his mid-twenties, acts very similary to your friend. He seems to like being the center of attention and plays around a lot when he's around his own friends...seems very comfortable.
I notice that whenever she invites him anywhere where he has to meet new people and engage in topics of conversation that he may not have much knowledge about, he begins to sigh, get annoyed, makes rude comments, or abruptly tries to change the subject while everyone else is in mid-conversation.
For example, we were all hanging out with a group of friends one day (also in their twenties). While everyone was talking to one another, he just blurted, "Ugh. This is so BORING. Can we talk about something else?" Everyone just stopped and looked at him. There are also time where he rudely interrupts people and forces his opinion. I just notice that in situations where all eyes aren't on him, he gets annoyed, starts complaining, and then my friend is in this uncomfortable middle position where she has to try to find a way to entertain him and still be able to socialize with her other friends.
It may have to do with issues of confidence...and how comfortable he feels around new people. When he realizes that new people he meets aren't impressed with what he has to say, his demeanor changes and he acts very pouty. He can act like a nice guy sometimes, but when he's not able to interact with new people the same way he interacts with his other friends (play fighting, joking around, insulting each other for fun), he gets really uncomfortable.
Latetly, I noticed that my friend rarely brings him to any other group activity...she hangs out with him/his friends separately from hers.
So in your situation, since you two are still really good friends, you could still hang out and do things together...but that doesn't mean that you have to go to every eventwith him. Once in a while, you could go out on your own, and even if word gets around, that's ok. This may actually help him learn how to go and do things without you and help him learn how to socialize with other people (it sounds like he's very dependent on you right now).
I don't mean this in a judgmental way at all but: yes you are. .
Hhhmm, it's really 50/50 for me. Like I said, I don't mind his cookiness, his goofiness and all that but it can be sometimes ridiculous, especially for his age. Me and him kind of have the same humor and I can also have a real goofy/cooky side to myself but I definitely have it much more balanced then he does. It's not that I don't want him to be himself but the thing is his immaturity can really bad sad and he's also mentioned to me himself that he wants to and knows he needs to be more mature but just doesn't know how. He knows his immaturity is what messes up his relationship with women and some other friends sometimes.
The thing is, when I address these issues to him, LIKE a little kid he just plugs his ears and goes "lalalalala" and no B.S.-he has literally done that one time. If he wasn't talking about how he needs to mature, maybe I wouldn't bother so much but the fact is he brings it up here and there but like I said-gets offended when its made mentioned of.
So in your situation, since you two are still really good friends, you could still hang out and do things together...but that doesn't mean that you have to go to every eventwith him. Once in a while, you could go out on your own, and even if word gets around, that's ok. This may actually help him learn how to go and do things without you and help him learn how to socialize with other people (it sounds like he's very dependent on you right now).
That's what I've been thinking of doing, like if I go out and do certain things (specifically clubs or certain parties) I might not invite him. If word gets around, MAYBE he'll get the picture and understand. I know I don't have to do every single thing with him but him and I talk on a regular basis and I'm not he top of guy that if I'm close to you-doesn't like to B.S.
Some of it sounds like rudeness. If a parent doesn't let a child throw a temper tantrum, or interrupt when others are talking or makes him say please and thank you, that is not an attempt to change his personality, but to make him be a better person. But your friend is an adult, so what can you do? I guess you have already told him, but there aren't consequeses yet. I would tell him that it doesn't seem like he had a good time last time at the club, so you're going without him. Let him know if he is going to be in a better mood, you would like him to go another time, but he might as well not go if he's going to complain.
Some of it sounds like rudeness. If a parent doesn't let a child throw a temper tantrum, or interrupt when others are talking or makes him say please and thank you, that is not an attempt to change his personality, but to make him be a better person.
I feel more reassured now because I was feeling like maybe I was trying to change him and expecting too much but at the same time knowing that he is being REALLY immature and annoying and by telling him how he acts that maybe he'll realize and improve upon himself. Heck, that's how I learned and I'm sure we all learn sometimes the hard way. I guess he's just going to have to get used to sometimes harsh criticism.
encourage him when he is acting appropriately. In addition to letting him know what hes doing poorly, praise him when hes doing things right. Like a dual approach.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
