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Courtesy is a given. True Respect AND Disrespect is earned.
Take someone who busts into the office as a new employee with that sense of entitlement and demanding to be 'respected' because of thier title and not their performance. It hasn't been earned. Respect of this kind is earned. Courtesy is a given.
I remember having a discussion with someone about respect.
Most often I hear that a person must earn respect. They don't get respect just cause of a position.
The illustration that works best is a police officer pulling us over. We respect their position and yield to their demands. "Driver's license and registration."
We cannot fold our hands and demand they earn our respect. This is an area where it is because of position we give them respect.
Parent don't always earn respect but we MUST always show them respect for the position they hold.
Common courtesy should be automatic. Not so sure about respect or disrespect. In certain situations I'm going to treat someone with deference or respect automatically, for example an elderly person or a veteran. Guess it varies.
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The problem with people who think in a tit-for-tat, eye for an eye way is...
someone has to kick off the 'ping pong match' of respect. They have to 'serve' first. It's so easy for people to tick each other off. It escalates until they've forgotten what started the argument.
That's why I believe Jesus and some other religious leaders were right when they said, 'treat others how you would like to be treated.'
A common man will treat a stranger how that stranger treats him. A saint will rise above the slings and arrows by drawing on inner strength. It's not a martyr attitude where you secretly hate the person but pretend to be 'good' or 'better' than him to stoke your ego. It's giving him the benefit of the doubt even if he spits in your face. That's the way to win the battle of the soul.
If you start respecting people, treating them as IF they were saints, you'd be amazed where you get. You actually begin to change people from the inside out. If you start out suspicious, judgemental, and believing everyone is essentially wicked, you live a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By this I do not mean being a pushover or condoning their bad behaviour. I see no reason to be rude, disrespectful or otherwise nasty unless you are trying to win. If someone treats you rudely it should not be an excuse to be rude back to him/stoop down to his level or even disrespect him. You can win any argument by being polite and respectful.
Here is where the confusion between courtesy and honor really surfaces. If, when you say "respect must be earned," you describe courtesy, you have it backwards.
Who would be that confused? Do you have someone specific in mind?
Quote:
We must by default treat everyone respectfully... with courtesy... until they have demonstrated that they don't deserve it. It's only until you think about respect in terms of honor that you are right to say "respect must be earned."
I see a lot of people do this in forum discussions. They are clearly thinking one thing: courtesy. But they are describing honor.
Is this important? You BETCHA!!! If you are thinking and describing courtesy when you say "respect must be earned" then you are advocating treating every stranger you meet with disrespect until they have proven that they are worthy of courtesy.
Of course in general we do often "treat everyone with respect." But the effect of "respect must be earned" still manifests itself quite a lot too. Far too often I feel.
I don't see people doing that at all. Respect has several definitions and when determining which meaning is being used, context is to be considered.
"3.esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment."
Clearly, esteem for excellence of a person, person's ability, etc, is earned through experience with the person. There's no way around it.
"4.deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right tocounsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
5.the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
6.respects, a formal expression or gesture of greeting, esteem, or friendship: Give my respects to your parents."
Then, there are other levels of respect, a more generic idea that encompasses courtesy and social norms. So, respectful courtesy is typically given by most (hopefully) and esteemed respect (honor) is earned. I guess I'm not understanding your point.
I haven't read through the whole thread, so this may have already been said, but there is a difference between being respectful and having respect for someone.
I am by default respectful of everyone, but not everyone has my respect (by definition esteem or high regard). That has to be earned, but that doesn't mean that someone has to actively seek it, by proving to me they are worthy for it. It comes through natural observation, by getting to know who they are and what they stand for, over time.
As for disrespect... that has to be "earned" as well. That can actually happen much faster than gaining respect for someone, by means of one single action alone.
I haven't read through the whole thread, so this may have already been said, but there is a difference between being respectful and having respect for someone.
The problem with people who think in a tit-for-tat, eye for an eye way is...
someone has to kick off the 'ping pong match' of respect. They have to 'serve' first. It's so easy for people to tick each other off. It escalates until they've forgotten what started the argument.
That's why I believe Jesus and some other religious leaders were right when they said, 'treat others how you would like to be treated.'
A common man will treat a stranger how that stranger treats him. A saint will rise above the slings and arrows by drawing on inner strength. It's not a martyr attitude where you secretly hate the person but pretend to be 'good' or 'better' than him to stoke your ego. It's giving him the benefit of the doubt even if he spits in your face. That's the way to win the battle of the soul.
If you start respecting people, treating them as IF they were saints, you'd be amazed where you get. You actually begin to change people from the inside out. If you start out suspicious, judgemental, and believing everyone is essentially wicked, you live a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By this I do not mean being a pushover or condoning their bad behaviour. I see no reason to be rude, disrespectful or otherwise nasty unless you are trying to win. If someone treats you rudely it should not be an excuse to be rude back to him/stoop down to his level or even disrespect him. You can win any argument by being polite and respectful.
You know I was thinking about this last night. I have some coworkers who treat me with disrespect. I didn't start it, buuuut... at first I used to respond respectfully but after a couple of years of constant mistreatment I find it natural to return in kind, with disrespect. Even so, I think it's still a good idea to treat people with respect, even if they don't treat you with the same level of respect. You might not change their attitude, but when you take the high road, it shows. When the people who matter see you treat disrespectful people with courtesy, they are more likely to be courteous to you. But if they see you being disrespectful towards ANYONE, they don't care about your history with the disrespectful person. You look like a jerk, and they'll be more likely to treat you like one. And the disrespect will start with someone else, even though you didn't disrespect them.
Everyone deserves basic respect initially as I expect people to be decent human beings, but beyond that, the degree of respect I have for them depends on their behavior over time. They "earn" more or less, but no matter how badly they conduct themselves, they still deserve basic human decency even if they do not return it. Otherwise, how can you regard yourself with respect and good self-esteem if you treat anyone poorly? Better to avoid those you do not respect.
I was actually replying to the below post and forgot to quote it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyGem
Respect should be automatic.
People have to work very hard to earn dis-respect.
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