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Long story short I started working with this girl about 15 months ago. We work closely with each other for basically 3 months out of the year, the rest of the time we rarely see each other maybe once a month but correspond through email probably a few times a week with regards to work purely. Relationship work wise started off fairly innocent as it should. Just trying to get tasks accomplished, meet goals, deadlines, etc... Nature of the job put us together daily for extended hours. from this extensive flirting developed from her end. cute text messages in the middle of the night, coming up with even non work reasons to be around me. like she would ask me to dinner to discuss something work related but that work related issue would never turn up at dinner convo wise. problem - i'm not the type to fall into work related romances and while i myself gave off some vibes i'm positive via actions and what not i made it a to try to walk that fine line. point is during the first 6 months of knowing each other everything was more or less great. never pulled the trigger b/c my apprehensions got the best of me and well didn't want a failed romance to impact my work standing. again i love my job and would hate to see it mucked up by some social interaction.
fast forward 2 months later i discover that shes had a bf during all this time through other co-workers who were all under the impression that she and i would end up dating or that we already were based on how we acted around each other when others were around. she however failed to ever bring this up to me or mention another guy. only reason i found out from friends was that she had recently at that point broken up with him after 6 months.
decided to "man up" and ask her out, had flowers sent to her, etc.. denied indirectly. meaning she said she was busy but would get back to me (never got back to me). LOVED the flowers though and posted all over facebook "look what My ______ got me".
around this time she begins to date some other guy, relationship begins and has had a bf since February still going on.
easy for me to deal with i can say b/c again we weren't working so closely with each other and probably only saw each other once a month at best.
tough / upsetting thing is that every time we were together / especially around other people she would start back up with her usual "antics" / behavior. always touching me, talking in a manner / saying things that give an impression of more than friends. basically still giving people the wrong impression about "us".
fast forward to these last 3 months. I sort of made it a point to begin to distance myself from her. coming up with lame excuses not to get together to do work on a project we had been assigned, asking if we could do all the work via email / online basically anything to not have to be around her as much. still difficult b/c of the nature of the job. she begins to more or less ask if something is wrong, or literally one day said to me "i don't like the way work has impacted our relationship". what relationship? we don't date and we don't hang out as friends so how can "work" impact our "work relationship"?
texts such as "I miss the old you" or "did i do something to upset you?" or my favorite "I want MY old ______ back" have been common these last 2 months or so. all the while work has been fine, product has been successful, etc... so no impact on work performance. i actually love my job still just not the person i work with. i've literally had to carry 80 -85% of the project work load due to her not having time due to bf.
am i in the the wrong here for pushing her away? should i feel bad for basically having sent this thing to life support? i'll admit it feels pretty embarrassing when co-workers see me out without her and ask where she is or ask "how are the two of you doing?" when there isn't a "you". so i don't feel too much in the wrong regardless.
when we first started out we were entirely supportive of each other and positive about everything with each other now we even yell at each other and nit pick each other. i did about a month ago tell her i was possibly going to be looking at leaving for a new opportunity / change my scenery work wise / personal life wise to which she replied "i would literally cry and not want to work here anymore if you left".
I would make it clear to her, and to your employees that she has a BF, and its NOT you.
I would do your best to put her back on a "business level only" relationship, and put your energy and effort into your job, and less stressing out about her, and her childish games.
If she is not pulling her work load, then maybe you need to tell your supervisor about it, so he can deal with it personally, otherwise, you need to move on, and stop all other outside contact with her.
You're her little pet. She likes the attention she gets from you. Yes, "that" kind of attention. She wants to continue leading you around by the nose. I don't usually make this conclusion when men and women are friends but I'm basing this on your description, and having had a friend or two that met that description in the past (I'm a woman).
That's not being a friend. She isn't your friend; she never was. What are you losing in the way of "friends" if you drop her? Don't you have other friends? Ones you can count on, that don't play around with you?
You're her little pet. She likes the attention she gets from you. Yes, "that" kind of attention. She wants to continue leading you around by the nose. I don't usually make this conclusion when men and women are friends but I'm basing this on your description, and having had a friend or two that met that description in the past (I'm a woman).
That's not being a friend. She isn't your friend; she never was.
This
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I think you should reevaluate your criteria for "friends"
And this
And I respect you for asking her out. You took a risk and were genuine. It didn't work out; so what, now you know. For whatever reason the feeling wasn't mutual and you handled it gracefully.
In the months since you've had a chance to see her true colors by her behavior towards you as a friend; selfishness, insensitivity to your feelings, circumstances and boundaries, duplicity, emotional manipulation, etc.
Feel good about your choice of drawing the line with her. You deserve people in your life who respect and appreciate your good character.
Last edited by Haley James; 10-09-2011 at 05:07 PM..
Reason: grammar
well its been 2 months since i first started this thread. last time i saw her was back in early november (purely work related) and at that point i had told her i would not be working with her anymore. she hasn't contacted me since then. true colors certainly did show through.
Be glad that you did see her true colors....seems she loves to play the head-games....you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't get involved with her...smart thinking on your part....
Be glad that you did see her true colors....seems she loves to play the head-games....you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't get involved with her...smart thinking on your part....
Well said.
It wasn't a good idea to have a relationship in the workplace anyway. I mean there are plenty of other fishes in the ocean, no need to risk jeopardizing your job.
i was in a similar situation. was seeing this guy at work, we broke up, he started dating someone else. perhaps he didnt think i knew about her but he still flirted with me. i distanced myself and he acted hurt. seriously?
what's her intention? sounds like she likes you to shower her with attention, but give you nothing in return. maybe she wants a pretend work BF? maybe she thinks that if you liked her, you'll pick carry the work-load as you are now?
i was in a similar situation. was seeing this guy at work, we broke up, he started dating someone else. perhaps he didnt think i knew about her but he still flirted with me. i distanced myself and he acted hurt. seriously?
what's her intention? sounds like she likes you to shower her with attention, but give you nothing in return. maybe she wants a pretend work BF? maybe she thinks that if you liked her, you'll pick carry the work-load as you are now?
see that was the thing i never quite got her true intentions towards me or "us". probably 4 months into working together i did ask her out, since the flirting was none stop and the signals pretty clear IMO. each time she didn't really say no but never said yes. i asked her out one last time back in Feb 2011 and was not told no but again not told yes. after that i progressively began to distance myself. around this past august is when she began to get weird saying things like "i'm worried about how work is impacting our relationship". i'm like um what relationship? work is our relationship. you have a boyfriend no?
i did get the feeling during this past fall that she did like you said want a pretend work bf. she has a bf but would never mention it around other people if i was around and would instead flirt with me openly.
basically we were / are making the same money but in the grand scheme of it all i was carrying probably 75% - 80% of the work load.
you mention in your situation he acted hurt once you began to distance yourself. thats exactly how she acted at various times. creepy.
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