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I totally get wanting to reach out to siblings and not the father. I have no interest in my father, been there, done that, he made his choices. Siblings are different, you are all just the common victims of the parents circumstances.
I have a half brother that was also born outside of my parents marriage. He is older than me but younger than my other siblings. My parents had since divorced, but my mother told us about him (father's son) and we even met him in our teens. I often think of reaching out to him, as he is an only child and we would most certainly welcome him into our family. I think most would see that you did nothing wrong. I think you go for it, tread gently, and becarefull not to share your vision of their dad with them, let them keep their vision..... the same with your mom..... they are going to see her very differently than you do.
My other siblings knew about my mother and that he was with her for a few years. They are only a few years younger than her and had a good relationship with her as far as I know. They were adults at the time this whole thing happened. The kids even knew my mom was pregnant, but not that their father was the father in that case. As I said, it's a bit complicated.
Hi - You may be able to confirm [or not] someone's death by looking in the Social Security Death Index. The public record available does not contain all deaths, just those already made available publicly in some way, like an obituary. Perhaps your local librarian can help you.
To make a complicated story short, I have a few half-siblings that, to my knowledge, don't know I exist. My father was married at the time I was conceived to their mother, and still is to this day if they are both alive. My father knows about me and we have had contact before, but not in over 10 years. I'm not looking to reconnect with him, but part of me wants to at least meet my siblings. They're older than I am, somewhere in their 40s or maybe even 50s (not sure exactly). I would want to know if I had siblings I wasn't aware of, but I know not everyone feels the same way. I also don't want to cause any problems in their family. I'm not sure if I should try and find contact information or if I should just leave it alone. What do you guys think?
You know, these folks are all grownups - they should be able to handle "the truth" by now.
And think of it this way...you have nothing to lose by contacting them.
Worst case scenario they aren't interested in you and blow you off.
But best case scenario they want to get to know you so you get to enjoy building a relationship that can last the rest of your lifetime
You know, these folks are all grownups - they should be able to handle "the truth" by now.
And think of it this way...you have nothing to lose by contacting them.
Worst case scenario they aren't interested in you and blow you off.
But best case scenario they want to get to know you so you get to enjoy building a relationship that can last the rest of your lifetime
Good luck whatever you decide to do!
Unless he's very revengeful, what is the point of potentially ruining a marriage and the relationship this man has with his children? To you this whole disaster is worth it just so that he meets them once?! Because chances are close to 100% these "siblings" wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.
You know, these folks are all grownups - they should be able to handle "the truth" by now.
And think of it this way...you have nothing to lose by contacting them.
Worst case scenario they aren't interested in you and blow you off.
But best case scenario they want to get to know you so you get to enjoy building a relationship that can last the rest of your lifetime
Good luck whatever you decide to do!
There's the operative word. 'Should' is a long way from 'will.' And the odds that these people will accept him as long-lost kin are long at best. No, the odds of major damage are far greater than a positive result. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Unless he's very revengeful, what is the point of potentially ruining a marriage and the relationship this man has with his children? To you this whole disaster is worth it just so that he meets them once?! Because chances are close to 100% these "siblings" wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.
Our OP has done nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of.
If Dad is "exposed" to his other children by our OP reaching out to their siblings, so be it. That's on HIM.
Maybe some siblings wouldn't want to know a new found sibling - as shallow as many people are that would most likely be the case.
But others might care deeply to know their long lost sibling.
Our OP will never know which reaction their siblings will have unless they reach out to them.
There is the risk of being rejected, sure. But fear of that shouldn't stop michi from trying if this is very important to him/her
Our OP has done nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of.
If Dad is "exposed" to his other children by our OP reaching out to their siblings, so be it. That's on HIM.
Maybe some siblings wouldn't want to know a new found sibling - as shallow as many people are that would most likely be the case.
But others might care deeply to know their long lost sibling.
Our OP will never know which reaction their siblings will have unless they reach out to them.
There is the risk of being rejected, sure. But fear of that shouldn't stop them from trying if this is very important to them.
You're absolutely right on this count. But why punish a man in his old age? And why punish the family with this new knowledge?
Let me give you an example.
My wife's grandparents had next door neighbors, the Burnses, who never had children. They treated my wife and her cousins like one of their own. They were just an extension of the family. The classic sweet old couple.
The husband died at the age of 80 something. Who should arrive to the funeral but his former secretary and the 50ish son he had fathered? Mrs. Burns, who had no knowledge of any of this, was totally devastated by the revelation, and died months afterwards very bitter about the entire matter. I wasn't there at the funeral when the truth came out, but it evidently was quite the scene.
You're absolutely right on this count. But why punish a man in his old age?
Well, personally, I don't agree that old age gets you a pass on bad behavior (unless you were old and feeble minded when you behaved badly in the first place!)
Well, personally, I don't agree that old age gets you a pass on bad behavior (unless you were old and feeble minded when you behaved badly in the first place!)
Perhaps. But what about the damage such a revelation causes to others? It's one of those situations where one can be perfectly right and wrong at the same time.
To make a complicated story short, I have a few half-siblings that, to my knowledge, don't know I exist. My father was married at the time I was conceived to their mother, and still is to this day if they are both alive. My father knows about me and we have had contact before, but not in over 10 years. I'm not looking to reconnect with him, but part of me wants to at least meet my siblings. They're older than I am, somewhere in their 40s or maybe even 50s (not sure exactly). I would want to know if I had siblings I wasn't aware of, but I know not everyone feels the same way. I also don't want to cause any problems in their family. I'm not sure if I should try and find contact information or if I should just leave it alone. What do you guys think?
Michimaze what does your mother say you should do?
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Social Security Death File?
