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It is hard to write this -- I am fearful of his finding this. But I'm frustrated and really needing insight. He has been my stepson since he was 18, and he does things that really worry me.
He has been married to a very sweet woman for over 12 years. Over the last 8+ years, she has become so frustrated with him that now, she can hardly stand the sight of him. They have children, still it amazes me that she has stayed with him this long. She has said she wants to leave him, but she says she made the vow, and she doesn't want to break it. She is a real "catch," because she is such a sweetheart, she is usually loving, she loves their children, she is willing to work hard, she is beautiful, but she totally lacks self-confidence. She has no idea how wonderful she is.
Unfortunately, he is very narcissistic, and she is his complete opposite. He spends money they don't have, and she wants to save money and use it for the family. He has taken out loans and has not paid them back, but she has paid back several of them. He went to a four-year trade school on loans, and he doesn't have the money to pay them back, and the are now asking for payment, while she tries to do what she can for this huge loan . . . which is very little. He is not doing any work that even resembles what he went to school for. He recently bought a truck without telling her . . . he just kind of came home with it.
He is constantly setting himself up to fail. It is as though he hates himself and wants to prove to everyone that he is worthless.
I don't know what else to write. Maybe more will come to mind as I receive answers and suggestions.
Please help me out. I want to help, if there is anything I can do.
There isn't anything you can do unless you want to be his endless cash cow. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Maybe he'll wise up when he's lost his family and has filed for bankruptcy.
No one on the outside can really "do" anything. They are both making the choice to stay in this relationship. Plus- he is choosing to stay irresponsible and childish. She is choosing to enable him by continuing to pay off his silly indulgences.
They are big kids. You just can only be there for her when she needs some love and conversation.
Nothing you can do for her if she considers that "vow" more important than her and her kids happiness.
^^^^
This.
At some point, she needs to let him sink on his own - and he shall. Unfortunately, he is taking his family down with his ship.
There is nothing YOU can do for your stepson, other than allow him to fall on his face. And to be there for your daughter-in-law and the grandchildren.
It is hard to write this -- I am fearful of his finding this. But I'm frustrated and really needing insight. He has been my stepson since he was 18, and he does things that really worry me.
He has been married to a very sweet woman for over 12 years. Over the last 8+ years, she has become so frustrated with him that now, she can hardly stand the sight of him. They have children, still it amazes me that she has stayed with him this long. She has said she wants to leave him, but she says she made the vow, and she doesn't want to break it. She is a real "catch," because she is such a sweetheart, she is usually loving, she loves their children, she is willing to work hard, she is beautiful, but she totally lacks self-confidence. She has no idea how wonderful she is.
Unfortunately, he is very narcissistic, and she is his complete opposite. He spends money they don't have, and she wants to save money and use it for the family. He has taken out loans and has not paid them back, but she has paid back several of them. He went to a four-year trade school on loans, and he doesn't have the money to pay them back, and the are now asking for payment, while she tries to do what she can for this huge loan . . . which is very little. He is not doing any work that even resembles what he went to school for. He recently bought a truck without telling her . . . he just kind of came home with it.
He is constantly setting himself up to fail. It is as though he hates himself and wants to prove to everyone that he is worthless.
I don't know what else to write. Maybe more will come to mind as I receive answers and suggestions.
Please help me out. I want to help, if there is anything I can do.
It's terrible when you see someone you love making stupid mistakes, time and time again, and I know you are suffering. He actually sounds to me as though he has some sort of psychological issue which makes him behave so recklessly, and I can understand your concern.
Now the advice - I think you are way too involved in his affairs. He is a grown man. His marriage to a lovely girl is falling apart, because of his behaviour over years and years and years. There is nothing you can do to change these years of history between a married couple. YOU CANNOT INTERFERE!!!! It is between two people only! You can support both parties emotionally, but you cannot fix anything, nor should you even try!
Please do not lend him any money, as this will only be enabling him. In fact, from your tone, I suspect one of the reasons he behaves so recklessly is because he knows the people around him will clean it up. This is very dysfunctional on both sides, yours included. He is a fully grown adult and you have to stand back and let him fall...hard, if need be. You could well be part of his problem.
You must "give him to God", by which I mean LET HIM GO. Stop covering for him. Stop worrying about him. Stop giving him money, or advice, as he obviously wastes both. Try to accept that he is a grown man, and in charge of his own destiny. Support your DIL with what you can, she and her children may well be the silver lining on this particular cloud.
I highly suggest you find an online forum which has step parenting issues, there will be plenty of good common sense advice for how to handle this...but I must say, I love my bio son to within an inch of his life, but I can NEVER imagine any circumstance that I would wish to "step in" and sort out his marriage for him! It's none of my g-d business!
I actually think you need to enter treatment too...you are way too close. Your hyper-parenting a fully grown man!!!! That is not healthy for either of you.
Thank you all for your concerns, advice, and help. I value it beyond what I can express. I am so frustrated, and have been for years over this situation, butall I have done about it so far is talk to his wife. My husband has tried to talk to him.
So far, I have not given him any money, except for when we all take trips together. Then, I make sure they have gas money, and I give them things from my cupboard. I admit that I also give them a few more for holidays than I do the other children, keeping it secret from the others, but it isn't that much more. I've been too afraid of making things worse by being an enabler, as you suggested, MissAnnThrope. I want him to grow up, to take responsibility, to stop being so selfish.
I don't intend to give him money. If his wife needs money, I will consider giving it to her, if she is able to promise me to keep it between the two of us and not give him a cent. I just can't give to him, because I don't want to hurt him further by giving any to him. I really care about him. I care deeply about both of them and the children.
I worry about the children. I worry about their clothes, their environment, their expectations, their personal outlook. There is so much to consider and pray about.
I had thought he was doing a little better, until he bought that truck. I keep hoping, but he has given me no reason to hope. He doesn't think. He never really considers anything, thinking it through, or asks for advice. He does nonsense, then tells us, expecting for our opinions, and it leaves with the fact that we can never have even a possibility of encouraging his actions.
He needs a better job, one paying more, one with more hours, but he just doesn't seem interested. He does have a job, but it is not enough. It is not full time.
I am so frustrated. He is going to lose his family, and he knows it! It's like he feels helpless. It's as though when he does these things he's helpless, like someone on a leash who just follows where the leash leads and does these things. He acts like he believes it is just what is going to happen anyway, like he can't do anything to stop it. He sets himself up for failure.
I want so much to encourage him to think more highly of himself so that he will not be such a fatalist. He seems intent on creating failure, so that he can prove to himself and the rest of us that he is a failure, that he is worthless. He seems like a destroyer. He seems to think he doesn't deserve better.
This is so frustrating. I have not interfered yet, but how I want to!
As far as what I have considered doing, I want to pull him off in a corner and talk to him, saying many of the things I have said here. But I don't know where to begin. That is why I appreciate what you have written here, giving me others ways to think.
Thank you all so much.
Last edited by Mia Ghinn; 06-22-2012 at 08:30 PM..
No, actually, you're letting him experience life and its appropriate consequences. I realize he's not a child, but he also supposedly has many years ahead of him. The sooner he learns that there are consequences to behavior - both good and bad - the sooner he will decide whether to change his behavior. Up to now, he has not had to experience the consequences of his behavior - someone is bailing him out. His wife is protecting him (and herself) from the consequences of his irresponsible financial behavior. At some point, you have to pay the piper. What if his wife died? What would he do? Would he actually put his children first and buy food rather than a new car? At this point, he will not.
Your duty is to permit him to learn, not to shield him from life's lessons. Some people do not learn from others' mistakes - and he is one of those. By constantly bailing him out, everyone who has done so has prevented him from standing on his two feet. No wonder he has no self-confidence; no one gave him the opportunity to develop any.
Tough love ain't easy, that's why it's called tough. It's difficult to stand on the sidelines and watch someone fall down; but it's important to do so.
Remember when your children were first learning to walk: you didn't try to catch them every time, you allowed them to learn - how to fall and how to not fall. Give your stepson that same opportunity.
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