How do you deal with a lazy daughter-in-law? (business, house)

[slove1106]

I took this from a post I just replied to regarding laziness. Same applies here so I thought I'd just copy and paste.

Originally Posted by slove1106

I talked to a doctor once regarding my ex husband. After a year of marriage, he never did anything but sit home and play video games and didn't do ANYTHING out of the house. Even started showing his bad work patterns. I made a comment to the doctor saying something along the lines of "I don't know if he has depression, or if he's just lazy" and the doctor's reply was that no one is "just lazy". He explained to me that people who SEEM lazy usually have depression or other issues going on, because laziness is not a natural human factor. He said that people aren't born lazy, nor do they learn it. It's not a personality trait, nor is it something that stays that way if you choose to fix it. He said it most likely stems from depression, which has the effects of loss of interest and tiredness, which results in someone seeming lazy... Just a thought.

And in addition, she does seem to be suffering from depression. I know how people are always knocking doctors and their diagnoses on things, saying they over diagnose people, but my further comments stem from experience, not hearsay...

Anyway, long story short, I went through that for about a year in a previous marriage. I'm divorced now. In the past, I was always a neat freak, outgoing, and HAPPY. After year one of my marriage, I fell into mild depression... Same symptoms as your daughter in law. I never wanted to do anything after work, I lost interest in everything, my house would get messy... I was just TOO TIRED to do anything after work. What made it more frustrating was my ex-husband was also going through the same thing, except he didn't work. So I was stuck doing ALL the "woman's" job at home, working full-time, and going to college almost full-time, while he trashed the house.

I'm was in the opposite position as you though. MY mother in law would nag about my messy house, all the while I would argue with her that her son didn't do anything all day but sit on his *ss and play video games and trash my house to begin with while I was working and going to school. That brought me further down and depressed me even more. Anyway, it ended quite nice, I got a divorce and now I'm back to the neat-freaky happy person that I am.

So, point being, I highly doubt she's just lazy, I've never met anyone that was just "lazy"... It's a mental thing, and it can be fixed. Either with work, time, or medication. Laziness is stemmed from lack of motivation, lack of interest, tiredness, etc... all that can be fixed. Laziness isn't a personality trait, it's a problem that can be fixed if they want to fix it.

[janineb2008]

However my boyfriend's 25 year-old son and his son's 24 year-old girlfriend and their 1 year-old haved moved back home for a time to get back on their feet. They both alternately lie in bed while the baby fusses, playing on the laptop or watching T.V. A 4-foot pile of fetid laundry sits festering in the corner, old diapers, baby bottles, dishes and food wrappers are scattered around the room and everything smells like urine and sour milk. They are both lazy. They both work under 40 hours per week and hand the child off to each other after work in shifts. When they arrive home they do the bare minimum to satisfy the child and heave their carcasses into their bed to play on the computer or watch movies. They have to be told to wash their dishes, wipe the counters, put garbage in bin, remove the dirty diapers everything! Left to their own devices our house would be infested with insects and vermin. They leave enough hair on the bathroom floor (which travels everywhere else) to stuff a sofa and have not once in 10 months scrubbed the tub. They brought their cat without asking and don't clean the box unless forced to. We've had family meetings where they were told what was expected because they were staying in our house. I work from home and the sound of the baby crying and fussing for hours on end it driving me nuts, as they ignore him and continue to sleep, watch T.V. or play games. They will occassionally say something to him, but rarely interact more than that unless someone is watching. They have saved nothing and spend their money on games, pizza and prepared food. Criticism, helpful or not doesn't work. They are now on a time limit and will have to leave in 2 months, but I do feel sorry for the baby. I hope that when they are on their own they don't ignore him even further. In fact I hope they can find him under the laundry. But as as been repeated over and over, once they are on their own and out of our house it is not our business. It can't happen soon enough for me. It's my plan to suggest that family gatherings take place at their apartment every time I can think of a reason in the vain hope that they'll feel some shame and clean up. In the mean time I'm going to tell them about an article that I read that shows that parents that play with their children and keep a clean house are 50% more likely to win lotto, receive higher awards in court, get more assistance from the government and better cable reception.

[stargazer]

off subject, Slove I ate at Jack In The Box in Lake Forest. We were driving through going to San Diego.

[sunflower101]

Originally Posted by askme

She does get up and go to work, but on weekends sleeps in and the rest of the day just sits and watches TV. She's over 350 pounds. The dirty clothes and dishes are piling up, things are scattered everywhere and it's tough just to find a empty space to walk. My son told us that they each have their things they do around the house. Her's is doing the laundry, but I've noticed that they end up making a trip to the laundromat to do them because she's let them pile up for so long. I know this because they call and ask if we wanna take care of the grandbaby while they are at the laundromat.
We usually stay outside when we have to go over to their place, don't like seeing them live in that messy house. It is upsetting. My son was not raised this way.
The grandbaby...that's another thing. Momma will sleep in late on the weekends and my son takes care of baby when baby wakes up early. And he is the one getting up with him at night to feed him because she won't do it and very seldom changes a diaper. My son and her argue about who's turn it is, but she always seems to win out. I know my son is just trying to keep peace, but I hate to see what's happening and have not tried to discuss it with him. I want to keep peace as well. He's a hard worker and always on the go, right now building on to their house in his spare time. I realize I cannot control their lives, we all have our lives to live. But I just don't like what I see.
Does anyone else have such trouble with a lazy daughter-in-law? We try to overlook it, sometimes it's harder than other times. And we pray alot. But so far there has been no breakthrough.
Any other suggestions?

Get a life woman and mind your own dam business and GROW UP!

I don't know your daughter in law. We don't know the other side of the story. Therefore its not fair to judge. Its not easy juggling being a wife, mother and at the sametime holding a full time job. Both your son and DIL have joint responsibility in taken care of their kid. Instead of being so hateful by bad mouthing her to strangers, Set an example, show her love and and kindness and offer to help without being competitive and negative. If you don't respect your DIL you don't respect your son and their kid.
Grow up.

[#Littledog]

Yeah, she could be suffering from a depression or another medical condition. If she works full time and has a baby, I am sure she is quite tired! After my two children were born and my husband and my dad were diagnosed with serious illnesses, I became somewhat depressed. It was definitely reflected in the house . My doctor also discovered I was anemic and ordered me to take iron pills. Now my iron is better, my husband and dad are better, my children are a bit older (I don't have 2 in diapers anymore!) and I'm working less. So I'm much happier and not as tired. The house is starting to look good, too .....

What I would have loved was for someone to offer to take the kids once in a while so I could rest or help me with the housework. Sometimes I would feel so overwhelmed with everything it was hard to know where to start. I could never get any decent cleaning done when the kids were little because I had to keep a close eye on them. It seems like once you start something, you get interrupted. Maybe that's how you DIL feels.

[Aconitum]

Originally Posted by askme

She does get up and go to work, but on weekends sleeps in and the rest of the day just sits and watches TV. She's over 350 pounds. The dirty clothes and dishes are piling up, things are scattered everywhere and it's tough just to find a empty space to walk. My son told us that they each have their things they do around the house. Her's is doing the laundry, but I've noticed that they end up making a trip to the laundromat to do them because she's let them pile up for so long. I know this because they call and ask if we wanna take care of the grandbaby while they are at the laundromat.
We usually stay outside when we have to go over to their place, don't like seeing them live in that messy house. It is upsetting. My son was not raised this way.
The grandbaby...that's another thing. Momma will sleep in late on the weekends and my son takes care of baby when baby wakes up early. And he is the one getting up with him at night to feed him because she won't do it and very seldom changes a diaper. My son and her argue about who's turn it is, but she always seems to win out. I know my son is just trying to keep peace, but I hate to see what's happening and have not tried to discuss it with him. I want to keep peace as well. He's a hard worker and always on the go, right now building on to their house in his spare time. I realize I cannot control their lives, we all have our lives to live. But I just don't like what I see.
Does anyone else have such trouble with a lazy daughter-in-law? We try to overlook it, sometimes it's harder than other times. And we pray alot. But so far there has been no breakthrough.
Any other suggestions?

i would either anonymously send them "how clean is your house" episodes on DVD, as well as news snippits of where families got their kids taken away for living in filth.. Or just hand it to them face to face. the anonymous way is more ominous, though, because they'd be freaking out that someone would take their kids away if they didn't clean their house. if that doesn't light afire under her lazy butt or open your son's eyes, i dunno what will!

[jennaflorrie]

She's acting like a sloth. I think her excess weight doesn't help - also she sounds like she may have a bit of post-natal depression? I would encourage her to seek help. Try and be kind to her, talk to her. If she see's you on her side maybe she'll let you into her confidence. What happened in her past? What were her family like? Lots of questions need to be asked. Sounds like she needs steering in a new direction.

[Bongopercylou]

Originally Posted by askme

She does get up and go to work, but on weekends sleeps in and the rest of the day just sits and watches TV. She's over 350 pounds. The dirty clothes and dishes are piling up, things are scattered everywhere and it's tough just to find a empty space to walk. My son told us that they each have their things they do around the house. Her's is doing the laundry, but I've noticed that they end up making a trip to the laundromat to do them because she's let them pile up for so long. I know this because they call and ask if we wanna take care of the grandbaby while they are at the laundromat.
We usually stay outside when we have to go over to their place, don't like seeing them live in that messy house. It is upsetting. My son was not raised this way.
The grandbaby...that's another thing. Momma will sleep in late on the weekends and my son takes care of baby when baby wakes up early. And he is the one getting up with him at night to feed him because she won't do it and very seldom changes a diaper. My son and her argue about who's turn it is, but she always seems to win out. I know my son is just trying to keep peace, but I hate to see what's happening and have not tried to discuss it with him. I want to keep peace as well. He's a hard worker and always on the go, right now building on to their house in his spare time. I realize I cannot control their lives, we all have our lives to live. But I just don't like what I see.
Does anyone else have such trouble with a lazy daughter-in-law? We try to overlook it, sometimes it's harder than other times. And we pray alot. But so far there has been no breakthrough.
Any other suggestions?

The way they live their life is none of your business. You should perhaps find some hobbies or do some volunteer work to preoccupy your time so you don't spend it fretting about others do or do not do.

[esya]

The fact that you name-call ANYONE is a red flag to me that you are not helping them but hurting them. He may be depressed, she may be depressed, but name calling is a sign of judging others. It is their marriage and they have to work it out. If you want to help you should be supportive. If you resent being supportive, stay away.

[SOUTHGAS]

Anyone who says it's none of your business is a fool.It became your business when they moved into your home.Do they pay rent?If so they may think that their room is their apartment so to speak.-but even apartment lords have rules so I say get on their azz tell them to get up ,clean up or move o u t.Don't take no guilt trip either because most likely that will be their only defence...do not give in,make it plain and let it go...