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My children and I have lived with my sister for over 16 years. My boyfriend of 10 years moved to Texas and wants me to follow him there once he gets settled. My sisiter and I share the mortgage and I know she's not able to pay it on her own. My kids are going to college. One is 18 the other is 25. Full time students, do not have a job. How do I tell them I want to move to Texas with my boyfriend and want them to come with me, but I know that my kids won't go cuz of school and she won't go because of them. She would rather work herself to death to support herself and my kids just because they don't want to move and keep them happy.i know they will make me feel I'm abandoning them for my boyfriend! Does that make me a bad mother to want to move to be with him and the rest of our family that lives there ?
My children and I have lived with my sister for over 16 years.
My sister and I share the mortgage and I know she's not able to pay it on her own.
My kids are going to college. One is 18 the other is 25. Full time students...
My boyfriend of 10 years moved to Texas and wants me to follow him there once he gets settled.
How do I tell them I want to move to Texas with my boyfriend and want them to come with me
When boyfriend calls and says... "Smitty! I got that big job. $80,000 + benefits. Go down to Western Union and get the $5000 I sent for you to pack yourself up and get down here with. I've got a mortgage on a 10 room house so there's plenty of space for you to bring your sister and anyone else who want's to come" ... be sure to record the message.
When you have that $5000 in your hands? That's when you let her listen to the recording.
Until then? You stay put.
Quote:
Does that make me a bad mother (and sister) to want to move to be with him... ?
Without something darn good to go there for? Yeah.
Last edited by MrRational; 12-16-2012 at 02:40 PM..
My children and I have lived with my sister for over 16 years. My boyfriend of 10 years moved to Texas and wants me to follow him there once he gets settled. My sisiter and I share the mortgage and I know she's not able to pay it on her own. My kids are going to college. One is 18 the other is 25. Full time students, do not have a job. How do I tell them I want to move to Texas with my boyfriend and want them to come with me, but I know that my kids won't go cuz of school and she won't go because of them. She would rather work herself to death to support herself and my kids just because they don't want to move and keep them happy.i know they will make me feel I'm abandoning them for my boyfriend! Does that make me a bad mother to want to move to be with him and the rest of our family that lives there ?
Bad mother? A woman whose kids are supported by her sister for 16 years, but then wants to blow town to be with some loser who can't work up a marriage proposal after 10 years? Yeah, I'd say bad mother would cover it. Maybe throw selfish in there, too.
Bad mother? Possibly. Bad person? Definitely. Why should your sister support your offspring? The 25 yr old should have figured out their own finances by now, the 18 yr old should be on the road to independence, but doesn't deserve to have the rug pulled out under them.
Are you willing to send a check to help cover the mortgage while you pursue this guy? Priorities need adjusting here. Your happiness can be taken into account, but three other people are going to be adversely affected by your actions. You can begin the process, but it won't happen overnight. Your sister deserves a LOT of consideration after 16 years.
Wow Smitty I hope you don't take these other replies as gospel!!! Your children are grown, yes you need to figure out something about your obligations to the mortgage, but other than that I say do whatever you want! You've raised your kids, it's your turn. So what if your boyfriend hasn't asked you to marry him! Not everyone wants to be married! Just be honest and talk to them about it. Tell them you're at a time in your life where you're ready for a change and see what they say. They may support your idea, they may not, ultimately it's your life and you have to do what's going to make you happy!
Don't expect help from the boyfriend, like the first replier said, if he helps that's great, but if it's something you want to really do make sure you get the mortgage situation handled, get your own money and job and go! Life is too short!!!
My children and I have lived with my sister for over 16 years. My boyfriend of 10 years moved to Texas and wants me to follow him there once he gets settled. My sisiter and I share the mortgage and I know she's not able to pay it on her own. My kids are going to college. One is 18 the other is 25. Full time students, do not have a job. How do I tell them I want to move to Texas with my boyfriend and want them to come with me, but I know that my kids won't go cuz of school and she won't go because of them. She would rather work herself to death to support herself and my kids just because they don't want to move and keep them happy.i know they will make me feel I'm abandoning them for my boyfriend! Does that make me a bad mother to want to move to be with him and the rest of our family that lives there ?
Okay.
Advice #1: If you follow your boyfriend to Texas without a serious commitment in place from him, then you are a complete idiot. I mean after ten years, jeez, fish or cut bait already. I mean, you could move to Texas and, two weeks later, he could say, "You know, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." And then what?
Advice #2: If your kids are going to live with your sister, then you are still responsible for paying your half of the mortgage. Period. If your name is not on the note, consider your payment to be rent. You may not have a legal obligation, but you sure as heck have an ethical duty.
Advice #3: With your 25-year-old, yeah, I could see moving away since he/she should be a self-sustaining adult by this time. But leaving an 18-year-old (I'm presuming a high school senior) is the height of irresponsibility. This child still needs help in leaving the nest. So you are indeed abandoning that child. Hey, if he/she is in college already, that makes things a little better.
Advice #4: If your sister has to work like that to support your kids so you can move away on a lark, then you are incredibly irresponsible and self-centered. Shame on you if that's indeed the case.
Advice #5: Children are not the center of the universe.
I think you need to forget your boyfriend. What a creep! Your future is with your family....Someday your children will have their own children and you will want to be near by to help take care of them and watch them grow! Besides your sister sacrificed a lot to help you and your children now you need to step up to the plate.
My children and I have lived with my sister for over 16 years. My boyfriend of 10 years moved to Texas and wants me to follow him there once he gets settled. My sisiter and I share the mortgage and I know she's not able to pay it on her own. My kids are going to college. One is 18 the other is 25. Full time students, do not have a job. How do I tell them I want to move to Texas with my boyfriend and want them to come with me, but I know that my kids won't go cuz of school and she won't go because of them. She would rather work herself to death to support herself and my kids just because they don't want to move and keep them happy.i know they will make me feel I'm abandoning them for my boyfriend! Does that make me a bad mother to want to move to be with him and the rest of our family that lives there ?
It sounds like the OP right now pays half of the mortgage along with her sister. The OP is thinking that if she tells her kids and her sister that she is leaving for TX that the kids won't want to go and her sister will want to stay there for her kids and will have to work twice as hard to make the whole mortgage payment herself. Despite this I feel that it is not right to just leave your sister after all those years knowing full well that she cannot pay her mortgage without your help. Where has your boyfriend lived for the past 10 years you have been with him, in a place of his own or with you and your sister? I personally could not leave my kids behind. I have a son that is also 25, and another that is 22, and one that is 19, and a daughter that is 10. I would not leave this area and leave my adult sons behind. Your happiness does mean something, but it is more complicated than that. You do owe your sister something for allowing you to live with her all of these years. What will happen to her and her home if you leave? Why did your boyfriend move away when he is in a committed (I assume) relationship with you? I hope that you can get this figured out, there is no simple answer when it affects 5 lives.
I wouldn't do it, if I were you.
I mean You have lived with your sister all these years and your name is on the mortgage also,
and your sister will not be able to pay the mortgage on her own? It would be morally and ethically
wrong to do that to her imo. I would really rethink this if I were you. If your BF cared that much to begin with, he wouldn't have left you behind like that.
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