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But how did you deal with this? I mean, I just don't understand why people feel this is OK. I would never in a million years walk into someones house and just go into any room I pleased without asking. I guess I just don't get it and that's what bothers me. The other part of it is that I have never said anything to her, but it's driving me insane. I know that I won't be able to let these things go on further without saying anything.
I always say, "you teach people how to treat you." Well I know I taught her to do and say whatever she wants. Honestly, I did it because she's an elder and I wanted to be respectful, but I have no respect for her anymore.
I think because she lived with you two before that she feels a sense of ownership. Boundaries...She has none, and she lived there before so it is even worse it seems.
Perhaps redecorating, or even moving. It is sort of like nesting, lots of people feel that way. She may not understand how rude you percieve it, especially if her daughter is accepting of her behaviors.
Again, enlist her daughter. You are allowing this to become bigger than you can handle, holding in this anger is not healthy for you.
Talk to your fiance, lay down the issues and work together to devise a plan and work together to resolve it.
Here are some links. I hope it helps.
When you marry someone, you essentially marry their family as well, like it or not. If you marry this woman, you're going to be sharing an entire lifetime of family get-togethers, holidays, kid events, etc. How does your fiance feel about your dislike of her mother? Does it upset her, or is she understanding about it? I'd get that sorted out before you actually get married, because her mom may well become a bigger part of your life if and when you do marry and have children. It doesn't sound like her mom is evil or malicious--just someone who can be vulgar and a little nosey from time to time, and who you choose to intensely dislike.
When I first got married, my mother would come to our apartment, head straight for our bedroom closet, and start rooting around in there. My husband decided to teach her to mind her own business, so he bought a couple of naughty things and left them in plain sight in the closet. She's never again gone into our closet or even into our bedroom anywhere we've lived, without asking first.
That was a good idea. Unfortunately I don't think putting a big Johnson and lube in the fridge will deter this woman. lol
It appears that you are a bit more socially refined than the future MIL. That is something you will never be able to change about her. All I can really think of is to use an incredible amount of patience. She's using passive aggressive techniques that are frustrating you. If she does something you don't like, then try to turn what she does into a positive:
'I came here to eat'..................I'm so glad you enjoy my cooking
'You're going to have the sh**s all night'..................Yes, but it's better than a premature death
'going into your refrigerator'............write on a water bottle 'To Mom with love' in magic marker and leave it in plain sight.
Meeting her head on will just cause bad blood:
'I came here to eat'.......Do I have to hire a rodeo clown to distract you?
'going in your fridge'.......Are you in there again? Our neighbors complained about the strobe light in our kitchen.
Personally, I'd take the high road. If you need tips, watch Everybody Loves Raymond and see how his wife deals with his mom. It's a similar situation.
Put a lock on a cabinet or closet and put your personal stuff in it. If she asks about the lock, tell her that you put it there for her. Or for her safety. Or that it's for her and it's a child safety lock. Whatever.
For her birthday or Christmas, buy her a book on etiquette.
And I'd be tempted to pretend confusion over what she's drinking and the laxative. Make her think you mixed them up. LOL Give her something to worry about. LOL
We don't choose our family, we are kind of stuck with them. One of the ways to deal is by avoiding them. That's what I would do. We shouldn't be forced to spend time with people that are incompatible with us. You shouldn't feel guilty.
Also, something that sometimes helps me: don't see this person as a normal person. See them as a child. Expect certain actions from them and react accordingly.
For example, if she is rude, don't think of her as a person who shouldn't be rude. Think of her as a child who wasn't raised properly, who doesn't know any better, who doesn't understand such things. React to her as you would to a child, overlook things as an adult would with a child.
A little baby gets into our stuff because they don't understand boundaries. Think of her as such: someone who doesn't have enough brains to actually understand. You'll need to hide stuff (like they hide from babies) that you don't want her to see or touch.
Someone I know was very negative and never offered positive opinions on anything. At one point I tried to see her as a real person and make her opinions count for something. That made me feel bad. So I decided to see her as someone whose opinion is not worth anything. It became much easier to deal with her. I just ignored everything she said (in my mind) and we got along fine.
Good advice. Also, get used to responding "Oh, Mom, you're so funny!" when she lets those zingers fly. Even if she's serious - just tell her she's funny, then change the subject and ask whoever else is around some question likely to lead to a discussion. In other words, give her a sort of gentle brush-off, and immediately turn your attention elsewhere.
Expect her to escalate when you start this and she realizes it's your regular response - but don't yield. You can use variations of it, of course. "Yes, Mom, I expect you do think that's funny". Or, "I'm glad you find that so funny". Just keep the focus on "funny" - don't smile or grimace or roll your eyes when you say this, just keep a deadpan face and use a light tone of voice. Then change the subject immediately. If there's no one else around to speak to, find something you just have to do in another room. Just cut her right off, but nicely.
Of course, you can and should also engage her in conversation when she's behaving herself. You can ask her about her day, about her past experiences, things she likes or does well, etc. In fact, she may be doing all this outrageous stuff because she's lonely and craves attention. So it's just when she starts her outrageousness - that you need to defuse her. When she's behaving, reward her with the attention she seems to be seeking.
Why to you refer to her as "MIL" if you are not married? She is your fiance's mother . . . no inlaws until marriage.
I'm guessing that OP says MIL because it is faster than typing "the mother of the woman that I am in love with" or my "fiance's mother" or my "future, once the laws in my state join the 21st century, MIL".
Personally, I think that saying MIL identifies the person clearly and concisely.
I do not like the idea that this brash woman is going to be responsible for your innocent puppy, I also do not understand why she is so anxious to babysit. There are pet day cares, I can just see this woman doing something deliberately careless and feigning ignorance afterwards. Please explain to your fiance that you are not comfortable with this and while having this honest conversation please tell him how you feel about his mother's behavior overall. Afterward, he can put his foot down as far as how his mother behaves in the home you both share- this woman has no boundaries nor does she have any home training.
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That is something you will never be able to change about her. All I can really think of is to use an incredible amount of patience. She's using passive aggressive techniques that are frustrating you. If she does something you don't like, then try to turn what she does into a positive:
