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I am so frustrated, need some advice. I am in my early 50's and thankfully both of my parents are alive and healthy. My mother is 77, and although as I said her health is good, she is depressed, lazy and stubborn!
Approx 10 years ago after being an elementary school teacher for 40+ years, her school had to drop a 1st grade teacher and she was the one dropped. Whether it was because of the 3 she had the most advanced degrees (and therefore a higher pay) or because she was already eligible for retirement or because (and she admits) was not a team player -- preferring to keep to herself and eat lunch in her classroom while grading papers, or working in the room rather than being in the teacher's lounge -- she was the one to lose her job.
Even though she knew it was a possibility, she was still shocked and saddened. She always said when she retired she wanted to do volunteer work at a hospital. She did fill out the paperwork but never heard back, when I suggested she call and follow up, her response was she did as they asked it was now their job to call her. When I suggested it might have gotten lost in the mail, fell behind a desk, etc., she didn't care.
She volunteered with a religious school, she subbed once and then told them not to call her anymore, she volunteered at another business, but didn't like what they had her do, so never offered again.
She did go on a couple of interviews to be a teacher's aide/reading specialist, but she didn't like the hours. She still talks about how she lost her job! I've suggested seeing a therapist -- that got me a big fat no!
Basically she lays in bed and reads and watches A LOT of tv.
Last year she and my dad moved (same apartment building, just downsized), she HATES it! That has added to her depression from losing her job, again I suggested a therapist, NO!
She does admit she is lazy & depressed.
She says she worked 40+ years she should be able to do what she wants, but laying in bed and watching TV all day?
She & my dad do go to the gym 3 times a week and out to eat, an occasional movie. I know my dad would like her to do more, but because he avoids confrontation, he goes along, he does complain to me, but he still goes along.
If she is physically sick, she will go see a Dr., but she needs to see a therapist! I know I can't make her go, but between the depression, her still talking about losing her job and then the move last year and her laziness, I don't know what to do.
I've read other posts here where the general opinion is "it's their life, you can't do anything". But how do you deal with the frustration? I do hold my father accountable for some of this, he enables her.
We were having a fine talk this morning, then it turned to something she needs to take care of knows she needs to take of, but wants to do it on her terms. I ended up hanging up on her, it was either that or start yelling.
I can't distance myself because I am an only child and they do depend on me for some things, but at times I feel like putting my fist through the wall.
She & my dad do go to the gym 3 times a week and out to eat, an occasional movie. I know my dad would like her to do more, but because he avoids confrontation, he goes along, he does complain to me, but he still goes along.
Gee, that doesn't sound lazy to me. Not at all.
It is THEIR life, and you need to let them live it as they see fit.
I really don't see what it would frustrated you at all, especially to the point of "putting my fist through the wall." Especially as there is no way you are going to change a 77 year old!
This issue is simple. You cannot change others, you can only change how you react and respond to it. You have made the suggestions, she is not incompetent, it IS her life, etc.
You can make rules that apply to contact such as Mom, I wont listen or talk about XXX unless you take these steps..... Otherwise, this is what I will do (leave, hang up, etc.)if you bring it up. I am sad you ..... and will not enable you any longer. But you have to follow thru.
I wonder if you would put the shoe on your foot and try to see how a nagging son/daughter/wife/husband is just an irritation and not a help.
You can and have to emotionally distance yourself. That doesn't mean you don't love them but it means what they say doesn't upset you to the point of putting your fist through the wall. Until your mom actually hurts herself physically stay out of it.
If she can't find work, perhaps she can find activities that she'll like. Does she play cards? Does she like bird watching? How about a senior swim class? See if you can find new passions with people her own age and laid back attitude.
For gosh sakes, she's 77 years old and has worked for 40+ years. If she wants to lay in bed and watch TV, I think she's earned it. She goes to the gym, goes out to eat, goes out and sees movies....
I think the issue is yours far more than hers. Leave her alone.
If she can't find work, perhaps she can find activities that she'll like. Does she play cards? Does she like bird watching? How about a senior swim class? See if you can find new passions with people her own age and laid back attitude.
It's not that she can't find work, she doesn't want to do anything but what she is doing. It does bother me that she isn't doing enough to keep her mind sharp -- she is fine now, but you have to keep your mind working. My dad has committee meetings, lunches with friends, he spends a lot of time on the computer, but my mother is happy doing what she is doing.
I'm afraid she is doing more harm than good. She and my dad use to play bridge a lot many, many years ago, she really doesn't have any hobbies, is very introverted and not a people person.
For gosh sakes, she's 77 years old and has worked for 40+ years. If she wants to lay in bed and watch TV, I think she's earned it. She goes to the gym, goes out to eat, goes out and sees movies....
I think the issue is yours far more than hers. Leave her alone.
You are right to a point. I'm not saying she should be out of the house 8 hours a day, but I'm afraid if something happened to my father, she would never leave the house.
I'm a homebody, I love to stay home when I have a day off from work and on the weekends, but even I can't lay in bed day in and day out and watch tv all day.
She used to be a voracious reader, she still reads but mainly newspaper, she says she mainly only reads her book a couple of times a month.
This issue is simple. You cannot change others, you can only change how you react and respond to it. You have made the suggestions, she is not incompetent, it IS her life, etc.
You can make rules that apply to contact such as Mom, I wont listen or talk about XXX unless you take these steps..... Otherwise, this is what I will do (leave, hang up, etc.)if you bring it up. I am sad you ..... and will not enable you any longer. But you have to follow thru.
I wonder if you would put the shoe on your foot and try to see how a nagging son/daughter/wife/husband is just an irritation and not a help.
I can't argue with anything you wrote, there is no doubt that I am a control freak, it's not that I want to control every minute of her life, but it kills me how her laziness and stubbornness have taken over her life.
She agrees with everything I say but does nothing about it. I've found out she is lying to me, telling me what I want to hear just to shut me up. My dad also told me that when I nag her about something, she digs her heels in and becomes even more stubborn.
I know what our trigger points are, and I tell myself, don't ask, don't bring it up, but then I open up the can of worms and it goes downhill from there.
Part of the problem is her -- and part is me. I can't control her (and I do know that), I need to control myself, but it gets to the point where I have to bring something up (knowing what the outcome will be before I open my mouth and yet I still broach the topic). I have to find a way to stop myself.
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