Shutting a half brother out of my life (father, person, member)

[jbtornado]

I had a weird situation in my life. When I was 20 I was told I had a half brother I did not know about and he was discovered through an uncle's tyrade to my cousins. My father produced my half brother when he was 16 and never talked to or associated himself with my half brother again. Anyhow at 20, My sister met my half brother as they were not that far from each other and eventually he wanted to meet me. We met and got along fairly well for a few years and would hang out time to time. He has two sons or nephews of mine also which was an added bonus and sometimes it was nice to just have a small getaway to see him for a day or two as we never have lived in the same town.

Unfortunately, problems started arising. As I got older, I was just becoming comfortable with my sexuality and my half brother would constantly rant against homosexuality and call everyone and everything f###%*s and make gay jokes about most men. It would go on and on and keep going on around me while I never came out to him and made things increasingly awkward and uncomfortable. The other major issue is an alcohol issue my half brother clearly has. Every time I was with him, it would have to involve bars or heavy drinking. I know for a fact that this is not just normal social drinking as he would get pretty drunk every evening and often times drive around town drunk. I don't think it is normal for someone to be drinking daily and all the time and know already that this was hereditary as my father drinks daily also.

A few years ago my half brother sent me a message late one night on facebook that he went through my facebook friends and noticed many were of an "alternative lifestyle" as he put it. He claimed to not want to judge me but in the same message he sent he called it a choice which insulted me greatly. I also noticed that many of these messages and calls are always late at night (after he's been drinking) and always seem desperate to get me back and a few have taken shots at my sister and father for various reasons. Is it wrong for me to keep him shut out of my life? Its just constant stress and I don't personally see how this gets better til his drinking stops at least.

[imcurious]

You might just become "unavailable." If he presses you as to why, you can say you are not into heavy drinking and bigotry.

[jbtornado]

I left out how I have not talked to him for two years now. Do you or anyone else who reads this see why I should even talk to him at this point?

[willow wind]

It's perfectly reasonable to shut him out of your life. Unfriend or block him on Facebook.

His worst rants seem to be alcohol connected. However, his basic attitude toward your sexual preference is going to cause you pain. No one can make you miserable unless you let them. This half brother is only going to make you miserable so it's best to move on and move him out of your life.

[veuvegirl]

I would just ignore him, sounds like he is not a positive force in your life.

[nightlysparrow]

Two years is a long time. Look how people's attitudes have changed about gay marriage in that time. People can get sober, too.

You could at least try to find out, in a roundabout way perhaps, if he has evolved.

[PAhippo]

If you haven't talked to him in 2 yrs, haven't you already shut him out?

You could do as nightlysparrow suggests and do some behind-the-scenes investigating but I don't see why you'd want to.

[brokencrayola]

I think I would block him from your Facebook and your phone and your email. He is not going to change his dislike and unacceptance of your lifestyle. Allowing him in your life at all is only adding stress to your life that you don't need.

[Angelcake4]

When a bigoted person spews their hate, I think it is our duty to set them straight (even if it someone we love or are close to).

It would have been a little bolder to tell him right away when he started spewing his hate that you were gay - and so what? Yes, you would have had to deal with a confrontation, but to say nothing seems as though you just let him have his ugly say. I know of too many people filled with hate that softened due to a close friend or family member (some hardened people just need a good reason - or slap in the face - ha! to let go of their hate).

Moving forward, I would find a way to let him know that you are gay and that you will never turn your back on friends with alternative lifestyles, but you would turn your back on someone filled with hate. Leave the door open and point out whatever positives your half brother has. Let him know that when he is more mature and open minded, you can talk.

That being said, he obviously has other issues in his life - and those negatives have led to another problem, which is his drinking. I do regard alcoholism as a disease. I wouldn't turn my back on a relative who was diagnosed with diabetes. And yes, I know diabetes doesn't say and do hateful things (nor accidentally kill innocent bystanders).

I don't know if attempting to help him with his alcoholism is even something you are interested in (maybe get the other sisters involved?). It's a lot of work and there's no guarantee it's treatable with some people.

If you have no time or patience, then yes, cut him off.

As an aside, I am guessing that he is mad at your loss of contact with him, which is why he would take the time to go through your friend list and look up people's lifestyles - who has time for that? It makes it seem as though he misses you.

[kab0906]

I firmly believe that just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean they *have* to be part of your life.

Choose your happiness. Doesn't sound like he will add to your life.

And don't upset yourself about it. His behavior is the negative one, not yours.