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I've been friends with my best gay friend for 10 years now. We have always had a great friendship except for ONE thing.
First, he's never made that much money. He probably makes just barely enough to survive. He is currently 50 years old. Some of his traits are not getting his rotting teeth repaired yet, he will go spend money on a tattoo. You get the picture.
He has always either NOT had a car, worked odd jobs, lives with roommates. etc. I don't consider him a "moocher" per say but he does has some interesting expectations of me and I don't know if he does this with others.
I will give you some examples.
When I was living on my own, he moved in with me for about 2 months because he had ended a relationship in another part of the state so I wanted him to get back on his feet. He actually ended up staying for nearly a year which was fine because it helped me with the rent. However, he would always use MY shampoo, MY toothpaste. One time, I stayed at my boyfriends house and he took a brand new unburned candle from my room and put it in his room, burned it without asking. Then after a month of living at my boyfriends place, I got a HUGE gas bill. I was never home and he was using it like crazy. We got into a fight over it because I asked him to pay for it as I was not living there. Why would I pay the biggest gas bill I ever had when clearly I wasn't there?! He wanted me to pay for most of it. WTF?
Another example. He helped me move to another state. He drove the truck. I paid for everything which I should, plus his lost wages from not working (he has his own cleaning house business) I paid for meals etc. Which was fine. But then he decided to stay an extra 4-5 days where I moved (he has friends there) and wanted me to give him 100 spending money. I thought, gee, wouldn't this be HIS dime since he decided to stay and party for another 4 days? So, I gave him the money even though I thought it to be a bit out of line.
The last thing, I went traveling, and he came up to my town to visit me and friends. I have since left but he OFFERED to watch my cats at my apartment. When he offered, I said I would pay him the same amount that I pay my cat lady which is 20 bucks. He said "YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME" I said, no, let me just give you something for your time. He said "ok, 10 bucks" I said... no problem. He sends me a message the night before the morning that I was leaving "CAN YOU LEAVE ME THE MONEY IN CASH?" I thought, geez, ok, so I walked down to the bank late at night to get him 30 dollars. 10 bucks a day for 3 days. He then sends me a text and says "I thought we agreed to 50 dollars?" So I called him and I said "where did you get that idea?" He said "well, I told you I would do it for 100 bucks but then told you I would do it for half price. WHOA! I said, wait, that's not true and why would I pay you MORE then what I pay my normal lady? Plus, he's staying in my apartment downtown the three days!!!
He said "well, I KNOW what I said"... he said "maybe it was a misunderstanding on my part or yours but that's not what we agreed to. Then he passive aggressive said "well, HAVE A NICE TRIP" and we hung up.
Can someone tell me what's going on here? I know it's not enough to end the friendship but I feel I need to have a down to earth talk with him. How do I go about it and what should I say?
I know you are being serious but your post was actually a little funny for some reason. But, I think you answered your own question. He is taking advantage of a good thing every chance he gets, and as long as you let him, he will continue to do so.
I know you are being serious but your post was actually a little funny for some reason. But, I think you answered your own question. He is taking advantage of a good thing every chance he gets, and as long as you let him, he will continue to do so.
LOL. I wasn't trying to be funny but I can see where you would think it was.
I did talk to his other close friend and he doesn't do that with her. So it's clearly a personal thing. Perhaps I have set an expectation with him where he thinks I cover things? I don't know. But, I don't know how to approach the topic with him. I need to set up boundaries which clearly he has crossed with me.
I won't do it now as I will let things cool off but I will be bringing all this up with him. If it ends the relationship, then so be it. I know friendships come and go.
You friend is only doing what you allowed and probably in some warped way if we heard his side of the story we would find that he probably thinks he has done you a ton of favors in exchange for a burnt candle, high gas bills and hustling you for $50.
Reestablish/Establish boundaries, often if necessary, or simply, end the relationship if it is no longer mutually beneficial.
LOL. I wasn't trying to be funny but I can see where you would think it was.
I did talk to his other close friend and he doesn't do that with her. So it's clearly a personal thing. Perhaps I have set an expectation with him where he thinks I cover things? I don't know. But, I don't know how to approach the topic with him. I need to set up boundaries which clearly he has crossed with me.
I won't do it now as I will let things cool off but I will be bringing all this up with him. If it ends the relationship, then so be it. I know friendships come and go.
Well, lets hope it don't end the friendship. Sounds like you have put up with an awful lot from him so I take it you must really like him as your friend. Just speak your mind on the matter and like you said, if it ends the friendship then so be it. Good luck
He is taking advantage of you. You definitely need to set some boundaries and don't allow any wiggle room. As for money matters I'd conduct all financial matters via text so that you have it in writing when he tries to twist things in his favor. When you set your boundaries, and stick to them, your friend will probably confront you - that would be a good time to tell him how you feel and clear the air.
I've been friends with my best gay friend for 10 years now. We have always had a great friendship except for ONE thing.
First, he's never made that much money. He probably makes just barely enough to survive. He is currently 50 years old. Some of his traits are not getting his rotting teeth repaired yet, he will go spend money on a tattoo. You get the picture.
He has always either NOT had a car, worked odd jobs, lives with roommates. etc. I don't consider him a "moocher" per say but he does has some interesting expectations of me and I don't know if he does this with others.
I will give you some examples.
When I was living on my own, he moved in with me for about 2 months because he had ended a relationship in another part of the state so I wanted him to get back on his feet. He actually ended up staying for nearly a year which was fine because it helped me with the rent. However, he would always use MY shampoo, MY toothpaste. One time, I stayed at my boyfriends house and he took a brand new unburned candle from my room and put it in his room, burned it without asking. Then after a month of living at my boyfriends place, I got a HUGE gas bill. I was never home and he was using it like crazy. We got into a fight over it because I asked him to pay for it as I was not living there. Why would I pay the biggest gas bill I ever had when clearly I wasn't there?! He wanted me to pay for most of it. WTF?
Another example. He helped me move to another state. He drove the truck. I paid for everything which I should, plus his lost wages from not working (he has his own cleaning house business) I paid for meals etc. Which was fine. But then he decided to stay an extra 4-5 days where I moved (he has friends there) and wanted me to give him 100 spending money. I thought, gee, wouldn't this be HIS dime since he decided to stay and party for another 4 days? So, I gave him the money even though I thought it to be a bit out of line.
The last thing, I went traveling, and he came up to my town to visit me and friends. I have since left but he OFFERED to watch my cats at my apartment. When he offered, I said I would pay him the same amount that I pay my cat lady which is 20 bucks. He said "YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME" I said, no, let me just give you something for your time. He said "ok, 10 bucks" I said... no problem. He sends me a message the night before the morning that I was leaving "CAN YOU LEAVE ME THE MONEY IN CASH?" I thought, geez, ok, so I walked down to the bank late at night to get him 30 dollars. 10 bucks a day for 3 days. He then sends me a text and says "I thought we agreed to 50 dollars?" So I called him and I said "where did you get that idea?" He said "well, I told you I would do it for 100 bucks but then told you I would do it for half price. WHOA! I said, wait, that's not true and why would I pay you MORE then what I pay my normal lady? Plus, he's staying in my apartment downtown the three days!!!
He said "well, I KNOW what I said"... he said "maybe it was a misunderstanding on my part or yours but that's not what we agreed to. Then he passive aggressive said "well, HAVE A NICE TRIP" and we hung up.
Can someone tell me what's going on here? I know it's not enough to end the friendship but I feel I need to have a down to earth talk with him. How do I go about it and what should I say?
After all this, and who knows what else... You don't consider him a moocher? It's not enough to end the relationship? Wow...
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