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Based on some of the comments in that thread, I'm curious as to how much of your marital/relationship issues you share with your friends.
Are you the type that shares your private business with anyone who will listen, or do you have select friends or family you discuss it with? Does gender matter when you're sharing these issues? Do you ever think you're discussing your issues with the wrong person (meaning you should be talking to your spouse instead of your friend?)
I don't have marital issues; my spouse and I work our issues out together. But this isn't my first marriage.
Before I did only tell my female friends but I didn't really have any male friends that I felt I could confide in.
Now that I am old, I really think its best that one only discusses relationship issues with the spouse or, if truly troubling things occur, a therapist.
I am very private about my relationship issues, at least the serious issues. I think it is a major violation of trust between the spouses to discuss anything about your "intimate" issues with anyone other than a therapist. Minor annoyances I would share with my closest same sex friend but no one else, and with the admonition that she is NOT TO SHARE my info with our other friends. I know way too much about my friends'/acquaintances' marital issues because they over-share. If someone needs to confide and ask for advice or just have a sympathetic ear, that is one thing, but to complain and ****** about your spouse's shortcomings or make snide comments about their habits or personal issues is a betrayal of trust in my opinion. I'm more of an acceptor, I accept that my spouse has his own issues and I have mine. We work them out between us and leave others out of our business. I would be upset if he shared our problems (few though they are) with others.
Based on some of the comments in that thread, I'm curious as to how much of your marital/relationship issues you share with your friends.
Are you the type that shares your private business with anyone who will listen, or do you have select friends or family you discuss it with? Does gender matter when you're sharing these issues? Do you ever think you're discussing your issues with the wrong person (meaning you should be talking to your spouse instead of your friend?)
We discuss our marital issues with each other since we are the only two involved and the only two who can work things out.
Our private life with each other is exactly that "Private" and no one else is involved on any level for any reason.
I tend to stay pretty private with regard to the actual workings of my relationship. I don't complain about my partner to my friends, for example.
However, if we were going around and around about an issue and I was feeling like the exchange was going nowhere, I would probably consult a friend I trusted to be discreet and who knew me well to get an outside viewpoint. I've got good friends who tend not to sugarcoat things, and I think that would be a more effective/efficient next step than going directly to a therapist, because a therapist will have to take some time to get to know you. And yes, the friend that I consulted could be a male friend if I felt he had a lot in common with my partner and would be able to better explain my partner's perspective. But it would have to be a pretty extreme issue for me to seek outside help from a friend.
I tend to stay pretty private with regard to the actual workings of my relationship. I don't complain about my partner to my friends, for example.
However, if we were going around and around about an issue and I was feeling like the exchange was going nowhere, I would probably consult a friend I trusted to be discreet and who knew me well to get an outside viewpoint. I've got good friends who tend not to sugarcoat things, and I think that would be a more effective/efficient next step than going directly to a therapist, because a therapist will have to take some time to get to know you. And yes, the friend that I consulted could be a male friend if I felt he had a lot in common with my partner and would be able to better explain my partner's perspective. But it would have to be a pretty extreme issue for me to seek outside help from a friend.
I feel the same as you, things would have to be pretty bad to take my issues to somone outside my marriage, and that person would have to be very close to me and know me really well, not just someone I'd recently met (as in the other post).
However, if I was asking a GF what she might do if she were in my shoes, I don't see that the same as asking a male friend what he'd do if he were my SO. That feels like a violation to me, to ask another man to speak on behalf of my SO without his knowledge. I know I would not be happy if my SO turned to a female friend to understand my perspective because she is not me and cannot speak on behalf of me.
However, if I was asking a GF what she might do if she were in my shoes, I don't see that the same as asking a male friend what he'd do if he were my SO. That feels like a violation to me, to ask another man to speak on behalf of my SO without his knowledge. I know I would not be happy if my SO turned to a female friend to understand my perspective because she is not me and cannot speak on behalf of me.
That's a pretty healthy attitude.
With few exceptions, if a person is bringing their problems to a non relative of the opposite sex, it's a pretty good indication that they're checking out of the relationship.
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