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Sadly, many people are afraid to "catch it" so they avoid people going through employment, marriage, or health issues. Don't take it personally but do take care of yourself and do what ever you need to do to get your life in balance.
Bless you for being a caring person but the rest of the world may not be that way for many of the reasons stated by other posters. My Dad died when I was four years old and no one even talked about him except for the neighbor kids who mocked my brother and I for the loss. People can be criuel so just do what is best for you and don't become like them.
She was not your friend, she was your coworker. I am sorry you're going through this, but you need to speak to a professional therapist to get feelings off your chest, not a girl who works at the same job as you who just happened to have gone through the same thing.
She did not do anything wrong, but I understand why you're feeling so sensitive about it. You're going through a lot right now. Make sure not to get too angry at anybody around you in your life, because it is not their responsibility to make you feel better or talk to you when you want to talk. Just like it's not your responsibility to be your father and brother's shoulder to lean on. Your family needs to talk to professionals and not put the weight of their emotions on each other. That just leads to resentment and stress.
Thank you for the replies. To be honest I cannot disagree with any of what any of you have said. Yes, she was a co-worker, I haven't known her that long, but I did feel she was a friend. I guess things like this play with your emotions. I admit that me before christmas and the me for the past few months are completely different people. Scary really.. Anyway, I appreciate the replies and have taken note of everything. It would be nice to get back to how it was because this just makes work a little awkward, thank fully we work on different floors and not on opposite desks to each other! I am just going to lay low for a while with her, I do agree I have probably taken advantage of her, I do regret that as she is a nice person, she obviously has another side to her which I have brought out recently but everyone has another side to them. I do hope we can patch things up and understand circumstances made me the way I was. At the same time whilst it might seem selfish, I am glad I didn't keep it all bottled up inside me. I will talk to my family and look into seeing some sort of experts, thank you for the replies.
I'm really sorry about your mum and that you're dealing with all of this pretty much alone. As for this "friend" - I think you need to accept the fact that this is "the new normal" for you two and let it go. You have nothing to make amends for - she is the one who let you down at a time when you surely needed a shoulder. You indicated she went through something like this herself - and I think she doesn't want to relive those emotions and go through all that again. She may never be able to be the friend you really need - and you should accept that. It doesn't mean you're not an exceptional person or not worthy - it simply means this is not a good fit. Deal with her at work and let it go. Immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy and remain open to meeting other people who share similar interests with you - you will meet others who will not let you down and you can be yourself with. There are groups for persons who are active caretakers and support groups for people like yourself - look around and see if you can find one nearby and you may be surprised how much better you feel talking about all of this. Strangers aren't strangers after you get to know them a bit! I do wish you well - and continued good luck with your mum.
You said that she was not a very close friend, that you chose her simply because of proximity. She said what she did because she is like most empathetic people...She genuinely felt sorry for your situation...But, obviously you saw that repeatedly she was not available. Your reactions were out of line....no one is going to be always available...especially someone who may have gone thru a similar situation...and hadn't recovered enough to be supportive.
I see that you are in need of a compassionate friend to lend an ear....And it seems that the angst you felt about your Mom, has been transferred to this "friend" You may not recognize that, but imo that is what has happened.
I think you should find a support group....check the local hospital or cancer center near work. You will find others in similar circumstances.
Sharing your feelings with others who also are there to share their feelings is so supportive. It would be very healthy for you to share your story, your feelings and also to gather a network of friends who share similar values....Car and concern for a loved one.
There are also many online sites that can be supportive....including this forum.
About repairing this "friendship"....Leave it alone...You have tried...You are in some sense becoming overbearing in your persistance...That is likely why she is avoiding you.
Let it alone....it will eventually be ok...For now focus on your needs.
I feel very badly that your Mom feels like she does about your talking to others...it is a shame...Your whole family would benefit.
Perhaps you'll be the leader in guiding them to a healthy support system.
I'll post a couple of links below for you...
Good luck to you...Take care of you, the rest will happen as it should regarding friends. Hoping for the continued health for you Mom.
All of this. Every word. Please read it OP. Most cancer centers have group therapy for caregivers and family members as well as patients themselves. You all need to be in group and your mother needs an onco-psychiatrist.
You clearly need support and the system your mother has enforced is doing none of you any favors. In turn, you have treated this friend like absolute crap the same way your family is treating you like crap. I understand being disappointed that she is busy - but that's life.
This is a much more polite response than what I would have given you - and I'm a cancer survivor who was your age when I got sick. Because I didn't have a strong support network, I went to a lot of one on one and group therapy as well as got involved in young adult cancer survivor activities with other people who get it. But there were plenty of survivors who did not feel comfortable in group and even if they'd offer to lend an ear, they don't necessarily want to relive the trauma.
You lost this person as a friend because you did try to treat her like your on-call therapist - but with none of the money or professional boundaries. She does not want to clear the air - she wants you to stop bothering her because, frankly, the constant messages and lashing out are really frightening.
Please please please get yourself into therapy. You need someone to talk to and that person should not be a friend.
Good advice.
It's better to seek out these groups because even though friends and others try to understand, if they aren't going through something similar themselves, they aren't going to understand like others who are facing the same thing.
As far as the mom not wanting to tell people, I think that's up to her as an individual. Some people really hate being treated like some patient and have people always ask them how they feel or treat them differently. Some people are stoic and just prefer not talking about illnesses. It's her cancer, it's up to her how she wants to deal with it.
Thanks again for the advice. I have some counselling booked in soon. In terms of the friend, out of the blue today she has accused me of stalking her. I really don't know what I have done to make her say things like this but it is a pretty serious assumption. With absolutely no evidence. Unfortunately I don't think this can be repaired and I don't want to repair anything with her now. I am totally shocked and a little upset by what she has said. (I didn't say anything to her, she just approached me on the stair well and said this to me)
It has gone to far. I did think she was a friend but I guess not now. Thanks again for the advice, it is greatly appreciated.
You went over the top with this young woman. She may have felt that you wanted more than emotional support, and she's not interested in you in that way. You became like an emotional vampire and sucked the energy out of her. Just guessing. I hope your Mother continues to do well.
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