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I am so leery of contacting HR unless they contact me for a specific reference for her.
I agree with you and don't think it's a good idea at all for you to say anything at all to HR. Do as others have suggested and simply set your boundaries. Doing so isn't being "confrontational" by any stretch. Business and friendship are best kept separate and, frankly, if setting the boundaries you have to set results in the loss of the friendship then this may not be such a bad thing after all given what's been going on.
The thing is, most times she is a very good friend to me, and I enjoyed working with her. If she wasn't starting to exhibit the crazy- making obsessive behavior towards work that I have seen in the past not end well, I would want to work with her again.
I was trying to salvage the friendship from her obsessiveness about this job. Now, I am afraid if I confront her, she will retaliate.
Retaliate? Then she's not a friend at all.
Common sense would dictate that if you just started a position yourself, then you aren't in any position to help anyone yet. You need to establish yourself first before you can recommend anyone. I would explain this to her. That isn't being confrontational - you are being honest.
I would seriously cut ties with her after this. You don't owe her anything, and her sense of entitlement is staggering.
This is what concerns me. Don't worry about being polite or nice. Sometimes women are too concerned about hurting other people's feelings when they should be more concerned about taking care of themselves. Say no. It sounds like she may start stalking you (if she hasn't already). I suggest you tell HR you aren't recommending her and stop having ANY contact with this woman.
Being a reference on an application does not mean you referred the other party. Give her the official application protocol - go on-line, apply, follow up. It is HR's and the hiring manager's decision to select, interview and hire the candidate deemed best for the job.
Why the sour grapes about house with pool and husband?
I am not happy that our friendship has come to this. As for sour grapes about her husband and pool, I have none really. She chose to have children and be married and stay at home when I was working at her age. So, instead of her seeing all the good things in life she has, like a loving husband and a lovely home and family, she is hyper competitive at work. She has a brother who is a successful medical doctor. And I think her self esteem is tied into her career due to her family background, father having been a university professor. She currently has a job. She isn't destitute on the street, hungry and poor, looking for work.
I, on the other hand, came from a working class background, and sacrificed a lot for school and career. I appreciate my jobs, but it hasn't been an option for me to work to support myself, like it was an option for her. I found this job and went through months of interviews and background checks, etc. and for some reason, she thinks she can just call my supervisor and get hired. She and I have similar degrees, and in the past, I was interviewed and negotiated salary and offered more than one job by more than one company. I then referred her to one of the job offers, and she got it. I laid the groundwork for her, and then she ended up filing a lawsuit of sorts with the company. The HR department felt she was obsessively talking and bothering people at work about some thing that she would not let go. This is a pattern of behavior from her.
We no longer even live in the same states, so yes, I need to cut ties with her.
I need to do it in a more fade out way, without confronting her.
Thank you for the advice and suggestions. I need to be a dead end for her, as someone here suggested.
I'd just let the friendship fade out. Don't reply to every e-mail, maybe every third one, and keep replies short. Repeat to her your previous replies that you haven't been there long enough to have any influence. When she asks for your supervisors name, just repeat that there aren't any openings in your department.
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
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If you live in a different state, and are unlikely to ever see her again, just end it. Put her on your spam list, you'll never see another email. Block her phone, etc
The thing is, most times she is a very good friend to me, and I enjoyed working with her. If she wasn't starting to exhibit the crazy- making obsessive behavior towards work that I have seen in the past not end well, I would want to work with her again.
I was trying to salvage the friendship from her obsessiveness about this job. Now, I am afraid if I confront her, she will retaliate.
I agree with others that you NEED to contact HR and let them know about the situation. At the very least, you need to discuss this with your supervisor and get his/her advice. Your fiend, I mean friend, doesn't ever have to know about these conversations.
No need to confront her at this point.
I think it's obvious that in this relationship, you need to keep business and friendship separate. If she can't or won't accept those terms then you will need to break off the friendship. She sounds like a kook.
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