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Cutting a parent out of your life can be a huge deal, and it is not to be taken lightly. If you have any doubts at all, then you're not ready. The fact that you are here, asking, means you aren't sure. Don't do something that can't be undone. It's okay to be mad, but if you're not 100% sure, don't sever all ties just yet.
My parents divorced almost a year ago. It was a terrible marriage, there were constant fights and we witnessed some deplorable arguments.
My father has an impossible temper, he explodes for the slightest issues. Besides, he had a number of affairs with other women and I remember being a kid and running into my mother crying several times. Apart from that, he never cared much about us because he knew my mother would always take care of us.
We've stopped speaking to him since the divorce but our mother says we should at least keep it civil with him because he'll always be our father. I rejected his call on my birthday and my mother said their divorce was between them and I that we shouldn't punish him for that.
Unfortunately, this is a call you have to make alone. We can all weigh-in but, in the end, it's YOUR life and only you can open and close it to those you deem worthy or comfortable with. My Father was a stern disciplinarian but, to the other writers point, that is only half the story. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and my brand of Father was common.
He believed in the belt when necessary and pretty stern behavior as needed. I was one of six but, two of us were challenging and rambunctious. Here's the other 1/2. My Father traveled heavily for business for 30 years. He came home exhausted and completely worn out in the last 10 years. He was an engineer and had 156 engineers under him. To say he was busy, is an understatement. Then, he would come home to at least 2 of us jokers who thought little about what he did and never appreciated all the RIGHT things he did for us much later on. He stayed married for 51 years until my Mother passed in 2004 and he in 2007.
I now have a deep, deep affection and respect for my Father. Despite the routine "discipline" sessions as a young kid, I have no anger, pain, or hatred for my Dad. He did the best he could do under the circumstances. Christ, if anything, I was lucky. It was probably a miracle he didn't come home and slay my brother and I when we really misbehaved.
Perhaps this is not exactly a mirror of your experience but, we all tend to have "issues", real or imagined, with our parents. Over time, they tend to fade. The older we get, the smarter they become and all that. The other writer is correct, you don't know the whole story and maybe, just maybe, over time some of the wounds will heal.
I can tell you this, any anger or resentment you have today will hurt you deeply when you go to his funeral. Once that lid is closed, it is closed forever and anything you may wish to have done to remedy your situation will no longer be an option. The only one with more anxiety than you will be him upon his final minutes. A test of forgiveness is at hand and only you know best how to deal with it. Keep that in mind and in perspective.
I truly hope you can sort this out in your own way. Good luck and God Bless.
We've stopped speaking to him since the divorce but our mother says we should at least keep it civil with him because he'll always be our father
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But it's not up to your mother, it's your decision. My mother divorced my father when I was 20. I have spoken to him exactly twice in 25 years. I was never close to him and he was emotionally abusive to me. So I just decided not to have a toxic person like that in my life, even though he is my father. No regrets.
And I totally disagree with this statement:
Quote:
I can tell you this, any anger or resentment you have today will hurt you deeply when you go to his funeral.
How can a total stranger speak for how you'll feel when your father dies? Maybe you won't know about his death, maybe you won't even attend his funeral. My father is 91 years old and when he dies, I will not go to his funeral and will not feel resentment or anger. I've forgiven him and moved on. He just is not part of my life, even upon his death. Just because a person is your parent does not mean you owe them allegiance, devotion or attention, if they gave none of those things to you in your formative years.
The fact that he remembered to call you on your birthday indicates he cares at least somewhat, so unless he is abusive I would keep the lines of communication open
So he finally calls you on your birthday. So what. What I want to know is...
has he always been trying to have a relationship with you throughout the years or is this the one & only phone call out of the blue?
Does he only call when he's down & out or doesn't have a friend in the world or is bored to tears with his own miserable, pathetic, empty life, or only when he doesn't have a girlfriend at the brief moment?
My boyfriend has a father just like yours. His dad had affairs on BF's mother (who's divorced from him, but sure stayed in the marriage long enough!), but was also a lousy father as well. Back as a kid though, I'm sure my BF thought he was a swell guy. My boyfriend can write a book on all the bad things he's done, from affairs, to tax evasion & HOPEFULLY getting arrested in the future, to stealing money from my boyfriend to being a flashy, smug, all-for-show, but no substance idiotic, a-hole.
My BF finally at age 40 FINALLY, FINALLY had it with his dad & was tired of giving him unteen million chances & has cut off ties. I say he should have done that 15 yrs ago, but I guess better late than never. Will he ever see his dad again for any reason? Not if he can certainly help it.
For a long time, I've always said that his dad is a complete WASTE OF SPACE ON THIS earth & it's true. He contributes NOTHING positive whatsoever. My BF's mom isn't trying to convince him to stay in touch. She stays out of it.
My parents divorced almost a year ago. It was a terrible marriage, there were constant fights and we witnessed some deplorable arguments.
My father has an impossible temper, he explodes for the slightest issues. Besides, he had a number of affairs with other women and I remember being a kid and running into my mother crying several times. Apart from that, he never cared much about us because he knew my mother would always take care of us.
We've stopped speaking to him since the divorce but our mother says we should at least keep it civil with him because he'll always be our father. I rejected his call on my birthday and my mother said their divorce was between them and I that we shouldn't punish him for that.
If your father has not physically/sexually abused you, there is little need to cut him off 100%. Limited contact may be best, if you feel that his temper is dangerous and can become lethal. My mother and father are both sensitive with a temper...but the older I get, the funnier their flare-ups become; they now remind me of crabby old people who are stuck in their ways. Sometimes you have to laugh at what you can't control. And did you just say your father called you on your birthday? Consider yourself lucky. My father doesn't even call to check to see if I'm breathing, and he only TEXTED me "happy birthday" this year because I had just initiated a telephone call with him like 3-4 days before my bday,and he knows I am coming to town to visit soon.
Whatever happened between your mother and father has very little to do with the way you choose to treat him. You are also lucky to have a mother who doesn't bad-mouth your father her children, which is also mentally damaging. Do NOT ignore your father.
Has he ever been abusive to you? Even if he has, is he in a position to be abusive to you now, or has he been abusive to you since the divorce?
There is no need to punish him for the sake of your mother - she clearly isn't interested in having you do that, quite the opposite in fact.
It's ultimately your decision, but here is how I handled my mother, who WAS physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive to all of her children.
If she called, I was polite. I would send her a card at xmas and usually call her at least once during the year. However I kept very clear boundaries, such as refusing absolutely to take sides in her conflicts with my siblings, my father, her second husband, or anybody else in her life. I would never leave my son with her for babysitting and when I found out my father was giving her access to my son in my absence I stopped taking him over there either, until my son was much older and my father had remarried a very nice woman who I knew could be trusted NOT to leave my son alone with my mother (largely because she wouldn't allow her in the house, but its all good).
My mother was an abusive parent but she was also a severely damaged person due to early abuse by her father, who my grandmother divorced at a time when divorce was a horrible thing for a woman (1938). Especially in the rural mid-west. While acknowledging that, I was still very firm about keeping set boundaries with her.
When she died I was the only one of her children who had any regular contact with her. I have nothing to regret. Well, I do regret that a Christmas gift that she sent me went astray and was not delivered to me until 6 months AFTER she had died. I'm sure she was very hurt that I never acknowledged that because it was a very personal gift harking back to some of the few good times we had in our family, but it was utterly beyond my control. But as far as anything that was within my control, I feel I handled the situation as well as could be expected and in a way that minimized any additional pain for her while protecting me and mine from her behavior.
You don't have to subject yourself to abusive behavior or language, of course. I don't feel people can recommend one way or the other because none of us know what the situation is. All I can say is that for me it was possible to maintain communications with my mother on at least some level without exposing me or mine to the toxic cloud she walked around in.
Your father cant be all that bad if your mom is encouraging you to keep him in your life or at least speak with him. If he was really so terrible, your mom would be encouraging you to stay away from him. I guess she see the importance of having a father in your live and maybe she knows that he love you in spite of their bad relationship.
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