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The OP is correct. There are very few situations where one person is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong. But each person in that situation will act like the injured party.
Case in point. We were friends with a couple up the street. He was a photographer and she was a stay-at-home mom. While the husband was a pretty normal, hardworking guy with the usual issues, she was a complete depressive. I mean, she was always complaining about things. She had four beautiful kids, nice neighbors, a nice house, a husband who made excellent money, lots of friends, and she just couldn't learn to be content.
The husband started making more and more money so they could afford a bigger nicer house. So they decided to buy this really nice, beautiful house out in the suburbs. He really didn't want to leave the neighborhood, but she was all about moving. This house was going to solve all her problems. It was really big, blah blah blahbity blah. So they move.
Two weeks later, we were all at a pool party and I got to talking to her. The house had a bunch of problems. She didn't know if she liked her neighbors all that much. The neighborhood was hard to get out of at rush hour. She had to drive too far to the grocery store. And the litany went on and on. Mind you, this was the house SHE wanted.
So I blurted out, "Amy, you and Edward could go on a fabulous week-long vacation to Florida, have a wonderful time, buy a winning lottery ticket so you could have anything your heart desired, and you still wouldn't be happy." Yeah, I know. Wasn't my best moment, but it just came out. Well, that annoyed her, so she mentioned that to Edward who shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, he's right."
Two years later, they divorced. No, he wasn't stepping out on her. He just couldn't take it anymore. He handed over the house, the investments, and wrote her a huge check to just get out of the marriage. He wound up with a bubbly Russian model to whom life is one big freaking adventure and is now deliriously happy. Meanwhile she continues to be miserable eight years later. My wife, who is a pretty tolerant person, couldn't take Amy anymore. She got tired of her blaming Edward for her misery in life when so much of it was self-inflicted.
I know people like this! This was just too funny to read being that I know people like this. Thanks for sharing!
I was over at a friends house and we were talking about a mutual friends ex-husband. I said, well there ware 2 sides to every story. She was furious that I said such a thing. My friend said that when people say that, it's like saying that's it's one persons fault.
What I meant by that, and I told her this as well, is that I have to hear both sides to make any decision about someone. To dislike someone based on what someone says about them, it's ignorant.
My friend has a lot of girlfriends who are "divorced" from terrible awful guys. I'm not saying that they aren't really terrible awful guys, just that I can't make up my mind until I meet them myself.
This is causing a rift in our relationship now. She thinks I'm wrong and I think she's being ignorant.
Thoughts?
Are you her friend, Lucky Girl? Why are you taking such a hard line on this? Obviously it is upsetting her. When YOU say "well there are two sides to every story" in this instance, it is a put down to your friend's girlfriends. Why on earth would you care about your friend's friends and their ex-husbands?!
Are you looking to meet the divorced guys?! Do you too want a chance for heartache!?!
This is about having your friend's back and her friends' back, not "right" and "wrong." This is about girlfriends sticking together, the ladies having each other's back.
If you have to prove your point, have a great time with that. I think you'll be all on your lonesome, being "right" over something like this.
could be, but I try to look at all sides and the reasons for why people act the way they do. i tried to explain my thought process, but don't think it worked.
But why are you making such a big deal about it? Basically, your friend was venting about her friend's situation, and instead of just listening and making a non-committal comment (like, "he sounds like a jerk...") you made it a bigger issue. You didn't have to. This was simply your friend venting about someone, she needed you to listen, and instead, you made it into a big deal about how you can't make a judgement without knowing the guy. This wasn't something that she really needed to hash out with you and discuss both sides and whatnot. This was simply your friend being upset for her friend, and instead of listening to her, you made it into a big issue about how you can't trust her friend's side of the story without hearing her friend's husband's side, too. In my opinion, you completely missed the entire point, and made it into something more.
By the way, saying something like, "He sounds like a jerk" or similar, isn't making a deep commitment on your part to think the guy is a jerk. You are merely saying that, from what your friend says, he SOUNDS like a jerk. Not that he actually is one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
You are right. However, by saying that, your friend inferred that you doubted your mutual friend's side of the story. That's why she got defensive.
This. Your friend was obviously very upset for her friend, and instead of you just listening and hearing her vent something she needed to vent, you made it a big issue by suggesting that her friend could possibly be in the wrong and blah blah blah.
In other words, this wasn't an actual issue that you needed to moderate or solve or anything like that. It was your friend venting, period. And instead of letting her vent, you basically turned it into an argument. You should have just let it be. If you didn't want to hear her vent, then you could have tried to redirect the conversation or said that you had to leave early, or whatever. Or, if it just makes you uncomfortable to hear bad things about someone, you could just say, "I'm uncomfortable talking so much about someone I don't know" and then change the subject.
I don't think it's a good thing to enable a friend's possibly inaccurate view of reality. People keep bad habits and have bad attitudes all their life because they don't associate with anyone who will challenge their views. Most of peoples bad behavior towards others comes from a lack of empathy and feeling that their biased view of reality is correct and justified. Why nod your head and go along with it? Where would you then draw the line? What if your friend is trying to justify stealing from someone... "this person owes me" ... should you just nod your head, and think 'whats the big deal?' like others in this thread are implying?
If you're raising a child, and your child gets upset about having to share their toys for example, you don't say "you're right, you shouldn't have to share" and give them their toys back. This example may be irrelevant in some cases but am just trying to convey my point.
I don't think it's a good thing to enable a friend's possibly inaccurate view of reality. People keep bad habits and have bad attitudes all their life because they don't associate with anyone who will challenge their views. Most of peoples bad behavior towards others comes from a lack of empathy and feeling that their biased view of reality is correct and justified. Why nod your head and go along with it? Where would you then draw the line? What if your friend is trying to justify stealing from someone... "this person owes me" ... should you just nod your head, and think 'whats the big deal?' like others in this thread are implying?
If you're raising a child, and your child gets upset about having to share their toys for example, you don't say "you're right, you shouldn't have to share" and give them their toys back. This example may be irrelevant in some cases but am just trying to convey my point.
I was over at a friends house and we were talking about a mutual friends ex-husband. I said, well there ware 2 sides to every story. She was furious that I said such a thing. My friend said that when people say that, it's like saying that's it's one persons fault.
Then your friend is simply wrong. But people do get offended by this phrase because what it actually means is "I do not form an opinion on events from one perspective of those events" but what people actually hear by that phrase is "I am unwilling to simply take your word for it" and they feel that as a friend you are required to. But blind friendship to me is no friendship at all.
I don't think it's a good thing to enable a friend's possibly inaccurate view of reality. People keep bad habits and have bad attitudes all their life because they don't associate with anyone who will challenge their views. Most of peoples bad behavior towards others comes from a lack of empathy and feeling that their biased view of reality is correct and justified. Why nod your head and go along with it? Where would you then draw the line? What if your friend is trying to justify stealing from someone... "this person owes me" ... should you just nod your head, and think 'whats the big deal?' like others in this thread are implying?
If you're raising a child, and your child gets upset about having to share their toys for example, you don't say "you're right, you shouldn't have to share" and give them their toys back. This example may be irrelevant in some cases but am just trying to convey my point.
I think this may be a little too black and white for the nuance of the situation we're talking about. Whether or not it's an attractive trait, most people need to vent every once in awhile. It's healthy to let stuff off your chest and get those feelings out rather than lock them inside and have them do more damage. If the sister-in-law continued to rail on this guy for weeks, months, years, then sure, no problem with her saying that. But I also see how in the situation it was used in, while a fair point, it had the effect of implying, "I don't believe our mutual friend's story to be the truth."
It would be like if a child who wasn't the most attractive was called "ugly" by a classmate and ran home and cried to her mom about what happened and her mom answered, "Well, there are two sides to every story," or "You can always have plastic surgery when you're older," rather than dealing with the hurt feelings. Sometimes the most honest answer isn't the best one when the situation isn't one you can change.
In the OP's case, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to say, "It's such a shame," or "That's just terrible," or something more neutral that didn't particularly take sides, and if she kept going excessively, just change the subject.
Are you her friend, Lucky Girl? Why are you taking such a hard line on this? Obviously it is upsetting her. When YOU say "well there are two sides to every story" in this instance, it is a put down to your friend's girlfriends. Why on earth would you care about your friend's friends and their ex-husbands?! Are you looking to meet the divorced guys?! Do you too want a chance for heartache!?!
This is about having your friend's back and her friends' back, not "right" and "wrong." This is about girlfriends sticking together, the ladies having each other's back.
If you have to prove your point, have a great time with that. I think you'll be all on your lonesome, being "right" over something like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana
But why are you making such a big deal about it? Basically, your friend was venting about her friend's situation, and instead of just listening and making a non-committal comment (like, "he sounds like a jerk...") you made it a bigger issue. You didn't have to. This was simply your friend venting about someone, she needed you to listen, and instead, you made it into a big deal about how you can't make a judgement without knowing the guy. This wasn't something that she really needed to hash out with you and discuss both sides and whatnot. This was simply your friend being upset for her friend, and instead of listening to her, you made it into a big issue about how you can't trust her friend's side of the story without hearing her friend's husband's side, too. In my opinion, you completely missed the entire point, and made it into something more.
By the way, saying something like, "He sounds like a jerk" or similar, isn't making a deep commitment on your part to think the guy is a jerk. You are merely saying that, from what your friend says, he SOUNDS like a jerk. Not that he actually is one.
This. Your friend was obviously very upset for her friend, and instead of you just listening and hearing her vent something she needed to vent, you made it a big issue by suggesting that her friend could possibly be in the wrong and blah blah blah. In other words, this wasn't an actual issue that you needed to moderate or solve or anything like that. It was your friend venting, period. And instead of letting her vent, you basically turned it into an argument. You should have just let it be. If you didn't want to hear her vent, then you could have tried to redirect the conversation or said that you had to leave early, or whatever. Or, if it just makes you uncomfortable to hear bad things about someone, you could just say, "I'm uncomfortable talking so much about someone I don't know" and then change the subject.
I would understand these sentiments if the friend were talking about her own marriage, but she's gossiping about someone else. If she were going on about her own husband being a jerk I'd nod sympathetically even if I were thinking, "I'd have divorced your whiny a$$ five years ago." But I don't think friends owe each other the same sympathy and and lack of candor when it comes to gossip.
I also don't understand the idea that all a friend is supposed to do is agree with everything I think and say. If I'm being unreasonable, I hope my friends tell me that. Under the circumstances in the OP, I would not be the least offended if someone pointed out to me that there are two sides to every story.
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