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Just need to vent here. The hubby and I hosted a family party yesterday, and I've never felt so exhausted, and defeated. I guess everyone goes through this at some point, when having to host family, dealing with in-laws, whatever. We've hosted plenty of parties before, but this was the first time we were both completely annoyed at the end of the day.
First of all, I don't cook. My husband is an awesome cook, and he likes to do it. I cook here & there, but I'm not as good at it, and I don't get enjoyment out of it. When we have a party, he does the cooking, and he gets so much satisfaction out of being able to cook for everyone, and loves the compliments he gets. The problem is, some people act like I do absolutely nothing, because he's doing the cooking. I mean, I'm used to the underhanded comments my mom makes...she has made fun of me for not cooking since I was 18 (even though she refused to teach me how to cook as a kid...whenever I tried to help, or learn, she would get annoyed with me & tell me to set the table, since she never really had the patience for us kids). Yesterday was hell. I couldn't sleep Friday night, and got up yesterday morning & cleaned the house for 4 1/2 hours. Once the family was here, even though the husband cooked, I waited on them hand & foot, cleaned up, put food out, put it away, up & down all day. My father in law's girlfriend was rude to my husband & me all day. Comments to me all day about not cooking, making fun of me. Of course, my mother has to chime in & be rude with her, and the more wine they have, the worse it gets. My father made several comments to me, and my husband, about how bad he felt for my husband because he 'did everything.' My husband did stick up for me. When I asked my mother, and my FIL's girlfriend, do you think it's ok for me to put the appetizers away? Is anyone still picking at them? & they said sure, and then offered to help, apparently, when I said 'sure, thanks' the FIL's girlfriend had to make jokes about 'having to learn that trick,' because I tricked them into helping me.
And at the end of the night, my mom & the gf started washing dishes, and wouldn't get out of my way so I could put things away etc, my husband & I were apparently ungrateful. Because me saying to my mother, 'thanks mom...oh mom, you can put that right in the dishwasher,' was not enough. They had to make comments to each other, laugh at us, and the FIL's gf had to say to my husband 'you better thank her (my mom)' because washing 2 dishes was just too much, and the first 5 times we said thank you, wasn't enough. And when I said, 'I said thank you several times', my mom turned & snapped "Oh yeah, saying PUT THAT IN THE DISHWASHER' is really a thank you."
I don't know why it got to us this time, but it really did. Maybe we always drank more before & were able to bear it. I've never hosted a party before on almost no sleep, either. I just don't remember everyone being so rude all at once. I think my FIL's girlfriend was the worst part, she's never been that bad before. I told my husband I don't want to do that again, but he wasn't too happy with that. It will be a long time before we host a party with the families again, though. What's the point, if we are just going to feel so annoyed after? I guess the fact that my mother and almost Mother in law are drunks doesn't help, either.
They sound like pretty toxic people. They were nasty, disrespectful and hurtful. Tell your husband you'll cheerfully host parties for a hand-selected group of friends, but hosting your family isn't an option - at least not until dynamics change a bit, like maybe your mom and almost MIL getting sober.
Either that, or you just establish that you will ask anyone to leave who makes rude or nasty comments. This seems like it would be problematic though.
There's no reason for you to have to endure that. I'm sorry that something that should have been a fun occasion turned into such a terrible slog.
Thank you. I told my husband earlier, I would love to host a party soon with our friends, some of whom have never seen hour house (we purchased it 10 months ago), but I have no desire to do this with the parents again.
Great advice from Jrz. I put up with that type of dysfunction from my family (but I did the cooking) for a long time
and one day I decided that's enough. What a relief. Good decision about having friends over instead.
They sound like pretty toxic people. They were nasty, disrespectful and hurtful. Tell your husband you'll cheerfully host parties for a hand-selected group of friends, but hosting your family isn't an option - at least not until dynamics change a bit, like maybe your mom and almost MIL getting sober.
Either that, or you just establish that you will ask anyone to leave who makes rude or nasty comments. This seems like it would be problematic though.
There's no reason for you to have to endure that. I'm sorry that something that should have been a fun occasion turned into such a terrible slog.
I agree.
My husband and I have the same setup, he's the cook and I wash the dishes. He likes to cook and excels at cooking (he has a better palate than I do). But yes I also have to deal with "Poor him, he does 'everything'." it's actually annoying, especially considering how much I already do with everything else. And of course, there's a quick retort if something is said (by me or husband). Apparently I can never do enough... so we told them to shut up and put them on probation-- we don't host as much, they have to put up with having less savory food (cooked by somebody else).
OP, if you're going to host them again in the future... go dry. If they're drunks, they shouldn't be drinking. Plus, there's no need to waste fine wine on bad company.
Just need to vent here. The hubby and I hosted a family party yesterday, and I've never felt so exhausted, and defeated. I guess everyone goes through this at some point, when having to host family, dealing with in-laws, whatever. We've hosted plenty of parties before, but this was the first time we were both completely annoyed at the end of the day.
First of all, I don't cook. My husband is an awesome cook, and he likes to do it. I cook here & there, but I'm not as good at it, and I don't get enjoyment out of it. When we have a party, he does the cooking, and he gets so much satisfaction out of being able to cook for everyone, and loves the compliments he gets. The problem is, some people act like I do absolutely nothing, because he's doing the cooking. I mean, I'm used to the underhanded comments my mom makes...she has made fun of me for not cooking since I was 18 (even though she refused to teach me how to cook as a kid...whenever I tried to help, or learn, she would get annoyed with me & tell me to set the table, since she never really had the patience for us kids). Yesterday was hell. I couldn't sleep Friday night, and got up yesterday morning & cleaned the house for 4 1/2 hours. Once the family was here, even though the husband cooked, I waited on them hand & foot, cleaned up, put food out, put it away, up & down all day. My father in law's girlfriend was rude to my husband & me all day. Comments to me all day about not cooking, making fun of me. Of course, my mother has to chime in & be rude with her, and the more wine they have, the worse it gets. My father made several comments to me, and my husband, about how bad he felt for my husband because he 'did everything.' My husband did stick up for me. When I asked my mother, and my FIL's girlfriend, do you think it's ok for me to put the appetizers away? Is anyone still picking at them? & they said sure, and then offered to help, apparently, when I said 'sure, thanks' the FIL's girlfriend had to make jokes about 'having to learn that trick,' because I tricked them into helping me.
And at the end of the night, my mom & the gf started washing dishes, and wouldn't get out of my way so I could put things away etc, my husband & I were apparently ungrateful. Because me saying to my mother, 'thanks mom...oh mom, you can put that right in the dishwasher,' was not enough. They had to make comments to each other, laugh at us, and the FIL's gf had to say to my husband 'you better thank her (my mom)' because washing 2 dishes was just too much, and the first 5 times we said thank you, wasn't enough. And when I said, 'I said thank you several times', my mom turned & snapped "Oh yeah, saying PUT THAT IN THE DISHWASHER' is really a thank you."
I don't know why it got to us this time, but it really did. Maybe we always drank more before & were able to bear it. I've never hosted a party before on almost no sleep, either. I just don't remember everyone being so rude all at once. I think my FIL's girlfriend was the worst part, she's never been that bad before. I told my husband I don't want to do that again, but he wasn't too happy with that. It will be a long time before we host a party with the families again, though. What's the point, if we are just going to feel so annoyed after? I guess the fact that my mother and almost Mother in law are drunks doesn't help, either.
What a nightmare! You have my sympathy. It's rotten you had to go through that.
Family getting together should be about love and support.
Try, if you can, to forgive them!
If alcoholism is a family problem/disease---perhaps you and your husband can lead by example, and not provide or have any at any future family functions? I don't know. It may help everyone.
My husband & I haven't been drinking as much lately, so he & I just bought a few light beers to have ourselves (Miller Chill) and told them to bring their own if they want it. So, they brought a crapload of their own wine. I do like to drink at parties, or when we have them, but...unfortunately my mother & FIL girlfriend can get mean when they drink (and they're usually drunk after 2).
What a nightmare! You have my sympathy. It's rotten you had to go through that.
Family getting together should be about love and support.
Try, if you can, to forgive them!
If alcoholism is a family problem/disease---perhaps you and your husband can lead by example, and not provide or have any at any future family functions? I don't know. It may help everyone.
I am so sorry. My brother gives huge family dinners several times a year and always does ALL of the cooking. My brother does this because he loves to cook and does it very well. No one ever complains or makes snide comments that his wife doesn't cook. He even cooks for huge events like parties/celebrations for 50 or 60 people all by himself. As long as others do the clean-up he is happy as a clam.
I know that you were just venting but here a couple of ideas for the future.
I suspect that excessive alcohol had a lot to do with the problems. Perhaps you should consider banning it from all future functions with family members. If they are true alcoholics they may just decide to stay home rather than not drink for a few hours. Then it is win-win. They get to drink at home and you get a peaceful get-together.
If you really feel that you need to have get-togethers with this rude group perhaps having them over for an early Sunday Brunch with an advance timetable. Eat at 11 AM and everyone goes home at 1PM (as you have to be someplace else at 1:30). Literally push them out the door if you need to do that. Short, sweet and not enough time for them to get drunk.
Or invite them for breakfast Sunday morning and then everyone out by 11:45 or are invited to join you at noon mass. Again, short & sweet and no time for them to get drunk.
Plan a party with your friends and forget about this nightmare.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-13-2014 at 11:32 AM..
I'm sorry you went through this. I have a toxic family (and my mother is the Queen of "guilt trips.") and toxic in-laws. It does get exhausting after awhile. Neither family ever visits much so there is a sanctuary at home.
I think you handled it as well as you probably could have and, in my experience, family members like that will ALWAYS find something to pick at you about. It doesn't have to be about the cooking or the clean-up. My MIL actually took a magnifying glass and looked at the stenciling on one of our walls one time. I just mentally told myself that the visit would be over soon. I honestly think both sides of the family could find fault with the Pope (or somebody like that). It's just a way their pass the time.
A few books I like are "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In-laws" both by Susan Forward. She also co-authors one titled "Emotional Blackmail." They provide quite a bit of insight into this kind of family dynamic. I've learned to just let most of it go. People like that aren't likely to be introspective or apologetic so there is no point in letting them "steal your joy" for another minute longer.
All the best to you.
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it's actually annoying, especially considering how much I already do with everything else. And of course, there's a quick retort if something is said (by me or husband). Apparently I can never do enough... so we told them to shut up and put them on probation-- we don't host as much, they have to put up with having less savory food (cooked by somebody else). 
